Sunday, September 30, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 25 - What Are the 10 Most Significant Events In Your Life?

When I consider "significant", I'm assuming it means "life changing". It took me a while to come up with this list. It is in no particular order.

Ten Events that Changed Tee's Life (in no particular order)
  1. Becoming a mother. January 13, 2004, quite possibly the scariest day of my life. I chronicled the details of that day already. See Labor Day. Other than the pain of that day. The scariest part was knowing that I would officially be responsible for the life of a new citizen of the universe. It was now the my job to make sure that he is educated. That he eats a well balanced diet. That he stays away from guttersnipes, scallywags, and trollops. And most importantly: that he is not so messed up that his story ends up on Criminal Minds. My biggest fear in life is raising an Unsub. So far I think I've done okay, but there are days when I'm not show sure. Any mother who has ever walked in on their child writing extensive plans for how The Ninja Turtles should invade and overthrow The Power Rangers knows what I'm talking about.
  2. Going to college. I'm pretty sure most people consider this a normal event in life.  But that's not so much the case where I'm from. College is a privilege, not a forgone conclusion. The school that I went to was NOT my first choice. It wasn't even my second. But it was the school that I (meaning my parents) could afford. Yes, I was given a full academic scholarship. But I still had to eat and walking around naked was still illegal back in those days. If I had gone to the school I wanted to go to (Cornell University, Ithaca NY) my parents probably would have had to sell bone marrow, kidneys, and the occasional liver to make sure I made it 4 years without starving, even with my scholarships and grants. So, I sacrificed a want because I didn't want to run track anymore and wanted to stay on the academic road. But it turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. 
  3. Leaving Kentucky. I've made 2 decisions in my life that SAVED my life. This one one of them. I left a place where I was sad and lonely all of the time.  Even though I was surrounded by friends and less than an hour away from family. Being in that place made me feel like I was in shackles. I never felt like I could reach my full potential. I was wasting away. And so, I constantly prayed for change.   Eventually, an opportunity for a substantial raise and change in scenery was presented to me. I took it and I haven't looked back. 
  4. Being punished in Mrs. Jones' 1st Grade Class. Okay, I was only 6 but this was definitely a life changing moment for me. So, I was in Mrs. Jones' 1st grade class at Auburndale Elementary School. We were working on spelling, or at least the rest of the class was. I was sitting at my desk twiddling my thumbs because I was bored out of my mind. I'd been finished with the assignment for at least 15 minutes. I was contemplating getting up and running a lap around the classroom. Instead, for reasons that I could not explain then and can not explain now, I yelled out in my very finest playground voice "FUCK!!" And time stood still. Mrs. Jones, a portly brunette with the kindest, gentlest manner anyone can ever have came running to my desk. Her face was beet red. She says, "TEE, what on Earth did you just say?!?!?" And I calmly sat in my desk, straightened my back and said, "I said fuck Mrs. Jones. I just said fuck.". Without saying a word she grabs me by my arm, takes me to the front of the classroom, draws a circle on the board and tells me to put my nose in it.  Now this may not seem like adequate punishment to you, but you should know that I was probably smaller than most Kindergarteners when I was in the 1st grade. And Mrs. Jones drew that circle at at least 2nd grade height! I spent recess chilling in that corner with my nose in that circle on my damn tippy toes. I'm talking THE TIPS of my damn toes! Michael Joseph Jackson had not one damn thing on me that day. Anyway, all of that to say it changed my life because I never yelled out "fuck" in class again. I didn't stop using the word. But I learned enough from that incident to know that I should probably use my inside voice when saying it.
  5. My First Trip to the Principal's Office. This time it was 4th grade. Mr. Villanova was the Principal of Bloom Elementary School. I can't even remember why I was in the office. I think it was for fighting, but I can't be sure. All I remember is sitting in this high backed chair that faced Mr. Villanova's desk. I remember him looking at me with extreme disappointment on his face. He said something like, "Tee, you are one of the good kids. There's no reason you should be sitting here right now." And then he picked up the phone and called my father. He told my father what my infraction was and then he said, "I'm just calling to verify that I have permission to paddle your child." And then he shook his head grimly and hang up the phone. He stood up with a stoic expression on his face. He took me by my hand and then took me to a corner in his office where a paddle was plugged into the wall. Yes, you heard me right. The damn thing was plugged into the gatdamn WALL!! It was metal, at least 15 feet long, and had cutouts all over it. It was plugged up so that it could heat up and vibrate to induce more pain. He told me to turn around. I wouldn't. He told me to turn around again. I wouldn't. He picked the paddle up. I screamed. He sat it down. I fainted. When I came to I was still in the office. My father was there. He was laughing at me. Apparently, this is the kind of shit evil parents and Principal's do when they have good children who want to act like problem children in order to scare the shit out of them and force good behavior. It worked. I didn't get caught doing any bad shit again. Well, until middle school.
  6. Being placed in the Advanced Placement Program. So apparently I'm gifted. Or at least that's what somebody told my parents. And because I was a "gifted" kid, I was placed in the advanced program.  This meant leaving my home school and being shipped to a school that specialized in teaching nerds and the socially awkward.  That school was Bloom Elementary by the way. This happening to me set me on a path that would lead to many additional significant events in my life. I met my first best friend at Bloom. I met my first real boyfriend at Meyzeek Middle School (another school that catered to future bomb builders and bosses). I met my first track coach. The most important lesson that I learned that "gifted" kids are no different than "regular" kids. "Gifted" kids just have worse attitudes. 
  7. The Million Dollar Question. When I was in the 7th grade at Meyzeek Middle School, I was sentenced to detention. Don't ask me why. I had a horrible attitude, so possibilities are endless.  Anyway, I was in detention. That days teacher was a man named Ronald Ramsey. Mr. Ramsey had a reputation for being a hard ass. And also a lunatic. Now, this didn't mean that he was a bad guy. In fact, he was probably one of the best teachers in the school. He just didn't take any shit off of anybody. And for that he was branded "crazy". I could relate. So there I was in detention. Mr. Ramsey was staring at me with an attitude. I was staring back with my own. After a few minutes of this Mr. Ramsey asks me, what I've since coined The Million Dollar Question. He says, "Why are you here?" Before I could retort with my own smartass rebuttal he continued, "And I don't mean, here in this place. I mean here. What are you doing with yourself? What are you going to do with your life?" And I was struck speechless. There I was, an advanced student and I couldn't come up with the answer. Those few short sentences changed my life. I had never NOT had the answer, for anything. I didn't like how that felt. And so, I decided, that day in detention that I would find some kind of purpose. Or at least as much purpose as a 12 year old can. I joined the track team. Turns out I was pretty fast. I started paying attention in class. And I slowed down on the snarkiness to teachers (a little). 
  8. The first time I saw "New Jack City". Yes the acting in this movie is somewhat questionable. But the movie is chock full of life lessons. Just say no. Be your brother's keeper. Don't date strippers. Don't get high on your own supply. Never listen to a person with a gun who sings lullabies. Keith Sweat is available for weddings. Creepy old men can pop caps with the best of 'em. It's always business, never personal. You can't hide crack under titties. Light skinned guys will always be made the scapegoat. I love this movie with everything that is in me. That is all.
  9. My first Coach bag. When I was 13 my mother began a tradition of getting her daughters new Coach bags for Christmas. My first one was a black cross-body satchel with brass details. I thought that bag was the most amazing thing in life. The leather smelled delightful. It was so soft and supple. Getting that bag started a fire inside of me that still burns today. I LIVE for an awesome handbag. I graduated from Coach into more high end brands. But honestly, brand doesn't matter. Give me some soft, buttery leather; great detail on the hardware, and enough room to carry my crap and you've got a sale. Handbags are my life.
  10. The bus ride to Paducah, KY. Westside Track Club was on it's way to Paducah for a regional track meet. The bus was full of young track stars. I happened to be sitting next to one of the finest young men on the team. It was June 23 and he asked me to be his girl. I couldn't believe it. But it only took me like .08 seconds to say no. I didn't want to seem desperate or anything. He asked me again about 15 minutes later and I decided to end his misery. That was almost 20 years ago. Life changer.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 24 - What Gives You Sincere Happiness?

Laughter.

Hearing people laugh. Seeing people laugh. Being doubled over with laughter. Laughing so hard I cry. Laughing so hard I snort. All of that brings me unspeakable joy.

There are so many things in my life that I have to take seriously, that when I have an opportunity to laugh at something I jump all over it.

This is also why I've honed my ability to find the ability to laugh at just about anything. Finding the funny in something that other people may take too seriously helps me keep my blood pressure down. It's not always good when I start giggling in the middle of a "serious" meeting or church service, but this is my coping mechanism.

If you are ever around me and hear the delightful sound of my laughter (some people would say it sounds like Tickle Me Elmo...I'm not so sure), there's an 84.72% chance that I'm not laughing at you. This doesn't mean that I'm dissing you.  This just means that you amuse me.  That's not a bad thing.  Trust me. When I'm not laughing at you is when you have a problem.

I have a serious habit of laughing at inappropriate things. I spend hours on youtube and World Star Hip Hop looking at the foolishness that people upload to the internet. But do you want to know what makes me laugh the most? The news.

You may think all the reports of crime, recession, and the end of days is depressing.  But you have to look past the message that is being given and concentrate on the people giving the message. Newscasters are comedic gold. Their faces and reactions when reporting on stories like the mating habits of two suburban squirrels or other dumb shit are always priceless. Sometimes, you luck up on a story where they can't even contain themselves. When you get this kind of gold hold it close to your heart. It will get you through the lean times in your life.

Here are some awesome real life moments from my neck of the woods.  When I tell you these gave me life? My soul is still smiling people.





Friday, September 28, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 23 - Write a Letter to the Person Who Has Hurt You The Most

This damn writing challenge is more invasive than a colonoscopy!! I can't deal. Ugh.


Dear You,

I love you.  I think that's the only thing that matters.

Love,
Me


Thursday, September 27, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 22 - Whom Do You Admire Most?

There's not one single person that I admire. There are so many outstanding people in my life that I would never be able to pick just one.  My friends are analysts, scientists, doctors, executives, lawyers,  mothers, fathers, preachers, teachers....the list goes on and on. Every single one of them has done something or lives a life that I admire. But since I don't have the time or the space to name all of them, I'll just tell you about a few.

First, there's my friend Hershey. I think she's amazing. Pretty much everything she does, she excels at it. And she has the nerve to make it look super easy. But that's not why I admire her. What I admire is her work ethic. She's probably the hardest working person I know.  When she puts her mind to something, whatever it is, she accomplishes it. I've seen her stay up for days while trying to study or perfect something.  Sacrificing sleep, food, and free time is nothing if she has to do it to get the job done. Now she's back in school pursuing another dream. I don't worry about her, because I know she's going to do well. I'm just waiting on the graduation invitation.

Then there's my mother-in-law, Radiant in Red. She's one of the sweetest people that I've ever met. It's hard to imagine that she would ever have an unkind word for anyone.  In fact, on the days when I call her hollering and cussing, she finds a way to make me see the good in whatever the moron who has pissed me off has done. To calm me down when I'm on the ledge? That takes skill. And she does it with ease. Every single time. She's a God fearing woman who stays prayed up and covered. What I admire most about her is her ability to find the good in anyone. For a pessimist like me who automatically searches for the screw up, having someone like her in my life is kind of equalizing for me. Her calm vs. my not-so-calm just seems to work. I can't imagine not having someone with such an awesome soul in my life. She's definitely been a blessing.

And don't get me started on Dark 'N Lovely. Everything about her makes me smile. She's another positive beacon in my murky, mean waters of life. I look forward for texts and calls from her because she always have a kind word of encouragement.  She entertains my foolishness, but won't hesitate to call me out when I take things too far. What I admire most about her is her ability to tackle being a stay at home Mom and wife to one of the craziest thugs I know (Winchester STAND UP!!). For all of the people who say that working a 9-5 is hard, knowing that she works at her job 24 hours a day and still finds a way to be perky and smile? Phenomenal. Lord knows I would be the most difficult person on Earth if I had to do what she does everyday. Her kids are beautiful, intelligent, and normal. She's done an outstanding job.


So there, 3 people that I admire. I picked 3 because that's my favorite number. I already told you that I could say something about pretty much everyone I know.

Bonus Pick: Shaun. This chick said she was tired of not moving and picked her feet up and started running!! I'm not talking about just around the block either. She's doing 5Ks and 1/2 marathons! If that's not something for the lazy folks of the world like me to admire I don't know what is!! Keep up the good work girlfriend! Me and my ankle will be cheering for you from the sidelines.




Wednesday, September 26, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 21 - Who is Your Best Friend in Life?

My best friend in life is Jesus.  He's never failed me.

But, I'm sure the question is about some earthly being, huh? I love all of my friends like they are my sisters and brothers. And like siblings we fight. We argue, curse at each other, and on occasion there may or may not be a pinch, a headlock, or a kick to the shin to get emphasize a point. I won't say that I'm the person who does these violent things.  I'm just saying that I've seen it happen with my own two eyes.

What I love about my friends is that they don't bother me.  They understand that I'm not a talker.  So, they don't inundate me with phone calls.  They know I don't provide information unless I'm ready to share.  So, they don't ask me a lot of questions.  They know I'm odd in social situations.  So, when I'm invited to functions they make sure that I'm comfy.  And every now and again they tell me to get my weird ass out of the corner and go talk to somebody. (Shout out to Tater!)

If I had to designate someone as a BFF, I would have to chose 3 people: my sister, Nurse Betty; my homie, The Good Reverend Doctor; and my other homie, The Glamazon.

Me and Nurse Betty have been tight since we first met back in the Summer of 1980. I can only remember a few fights between us.  We've never really had a rocky relationship.  It's always been pretty easy breezy. In fact way back in the day, people thought we were twins. I know it's hard to imagine two people walking this Earth with a *allathis* going on, but it's true. I look up to her (mainly because she's like 7 inches taller than me) because she's had some hard times, but she still comes out of it looking like nothing ever happened.  She is one of the most intelligent and kind people I know.  And her since of humor is beyond wicked.  I love her with all of my heart.  There's absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for her.  Not saying I don't love my other siblings, but she's kinda my fave. ;-) Since I've moved we don't get to spend time together like we used to. But through phone calls, texts, visits, and FB I feel like she's close to me all the time.

My reaction to pretty much everything GRD does.
The Good Reverend Doctor is my XY bestie. I honestly don't remember how we became friends. And often these days I find myself wondering why we are friends. GRD is one of the few people who can silence me. Not because the things he says and does are so profound. Because the things that he says and does are just that foolish. He's single handedly made me believe that there is something wrong with the water in a certain part of our hometown. That or he was dropped on his head several times as a kid. Anyway, GRD has been an awesome friend to me. He gives support, encouragement, and at times a stern word to make me see that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
He's like a brother to me.  He also owes me $25.42 for a meal that I cooked for him while in undergrad. I believe there were some lemon-pepper wings involved, but I can't be sure. Also, another $142.21electricity used while playing PlayStation when we should have been studying. He pretends like these debts don't exist. I'm considering taking him on Judge Judy or Judge Joe Brown to get my scratch. I'll keep you updated on how that goes.

The Glamazon is my ride or die homie. She knows where ALL the bodies are buried. Probably because she's the reason why most of them are in the dirt, but that's neither here nor there. Glamazon and I have been tight since high school.  Again, I'm not completely sure how the friendship started. It just did. I love The Glamazon because she gives good advice.  Whatever my problem is she can help walk me through it. She helps me see sides that I won't or can't see. And in turn, I try and do the same thing for her.  There are times when we get on each others nerves.  When that happens, we just stop talking. Months might go by without us saying a word. But when a call is made you would never know that any time has passed. Glamazon is like another sister. Honestly, there have been times in my life where I thought my parents liked her more than they liked me. You ever want somebody to run a few miles with you, cook a mean lasagna, and then demolish all of your enemies in the same day? The Glamazon is the girl for you.  She's like a secret agent that way. Unsuspecting as hell. Code name Dark Shadows.

Welp, those are my best friends. I honestly really don't like giving people that title. My friends are like my family. So, over the years I've just gotten more sisters and brothers. And I love them all the same.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 20 - Does Love = Sex?

Personally, I say no.  You pretty much know whether or not you will give the panties to a man in the first 30 seconds of meeting him.  There's no love involved there. I mean, it might come later, but when the decision is made your brain is only filled with thoughts of what that mouf can do. You can tell me I'm lying, but you know that I'm telling the truth.

She's a boss.
I know plenty of people, myself included, who have had pure unadulterated lustful sex with a person that they didn't love.  Sorry Mama.  You can bust it all the way open for someone that you really can't stand, if your attracted to them in that way. Just think of yourself as a black widow. Have a little live action and then rip his head off.  Not literally of course. I would never condone post-coitus homicide. What a way to ruin the glow.

Then there are people who don't even consider sex without love.  These would be your 90-120 day rule/mostly celibate girls. They wait and wait and wait and wait... And sometimes they really find love.  But usually they just settle for somebody that they like a whooooole lot. Now don't think that I'm judging these folks.  I'm not, I'm just talking about what I've seen.

Now you can express love by having sex with a person. When you are in love you will have the greatest sex ever.  Well...at least that's been my experience.

But no, to me sex does not automatically equal love for me. There's way too much debauchery in the world for me to even consider that.


Monday, September 24, 2012

30 Day Challenge: Day 19 - Write a Letter to Yourself 10 Years Ago

Dear 24 year old me,

I just thought I’d write you a letter to show you how much you’ve grown over the last decade.  You wouldn’t believe everything that’s happened since you turned 24.

You’re a mom now. Can you believe that? Close your mouth.  Yep the person that said her uterus would never be the home to a fresh zygote actually brought a life into the world.  And he is the love of your life and one of your very best friends.  There’s nothing you wouldn’t do for him.  You will protect him at all costs.  You sacrifice all of your selfish wants to make sure that he has all of his needs and his wants, plus some wants of other people because he’s spoiled rotten.  Because of your impatience with stupid children, you will make sure that he knows how to read and write before he’s 2.  Because you refuse to “wipe a grown man’s ass” he’s potty trained around that time too. He will be an awesome conversationalist, because sometimes he’s the only person you really want to talk to.  He shares your love of good music, snark, cheeseburgers, and super heroes.  There will be times when you wonder if you are making the right decisions for him.  There will be times when you are afraid that your hang ups and fears are affecting him adversely.  Don’t worry.  He’ll be just fine.  So far, there are no signs that he’s an Unsub. In fact he’s one of the most amazing and loving human beings you know.  And if you didn’t do something right, you know I wouldn’t say that.  You’ve done okay for a woman who doesn’t even like kids.

You have been married for 11 years now.  At some point during the marriage, however, your heart will get broken, shattered even.  Because of the pain from that, there will be days when you don’t want to go on. Days where you don’t shower, get out of bed, or brush your teeth.  Depression will become a major factor in your life.  Remember all of the mantras in the mirror that you always say? “I’m awesome, because God said so!” “Mirror girl I don’t even have to waste our time asking.  We both know who’s the fairest!” etc. etc.  In 10 years you hold those kinds of things close, because there will be days when you don’t feel so great about yourself.  And those rules you have? That list of things that you would never accept while in a relationship? Every single thing that you said you would never accept, you will.  I’m not telling you this to scare you or bring you down.  I’m telling you this to prepare you.  You need to know that everything about life isn’t rainbows and unicorns.  You are not immune to hurt.  You are also not immune to healing.  There will be some very tough years. Extremely tough. But bit by bit, you will build yourself up again.  You won’t be the same girl that you are right now.  But that’s not a bad thing.  Because of what you’ve learned from these dark days, you will be more independent, more understanding, and less judgmental.  Your heart will open in ways that you never imagined they could.  At 24 you are incapable of forgiving.  At 34, you won't be able to imagine a reason not to be.

If I recall correctly at 24 the circumference of your circle of trust was pretty substantial.  At 34? Not so much.  Some friendships you ended because you just couldn’t deal with the pettiness and cattiness that came with them.  Others you simply grew out of.  The ones you thought you couldn’t live without? You don’t miss.  The ones that you missed found their way back into your life somehow.  I blame Facebook.
You moved to the East Coast.  A semi-traumatic move for your Mother but it was pretty awesome for you.  You have a job that you actually enjoy, some of the people you work with are pretty damn cool, and you can breathe.  Living in that one horse town in KY stifled you. It made you feel like you were drowning.  Now every day you see people who look like you who have careers and lofty goals.  You can go to a concert without having to travel 2 hours away.  And even though you are 20 minutes away from one of the grimiest cities in the nation, you are not afraid.  That’s a big change for a person who let fear dictate her life for so long.

Let’s see, what else has happened in the 10 years since I’ve seen you?

You are seriously contemplating getting your tattoos removed.  Something you said you would never do when you got them.  You know because each one meant something and was special? Pfft!! Girl you can’t wait to take a laser to those things.  But not because you are anti-tattoo, you’re just anti-the tattoos that you have.

Your love of handbags is now bordering on addiction.  However, with the help of good consignment stores you are able to get the bags that you like without really breaking the bank all of the time.

You’ve grown 2 inches, but nobody believes you.

You went natural. And you love it. 

You have shaved your head...twice.

You stopped biting your nails and developed a nasty O.P.I. habit.

See? A LOT can happen in a decade. Certainly a lot has happened to you.  But the one thing that has happened that matters the most is that you’ve grown.  You are a much better human being at 34 than you were at 24.  I’m sure you don’t like hearing that, because at 24 you think you are the greatest thing that the Good Lord ever saw fit to create. But it's true. Thirty-four year old you runs circles around 24 year old you.

You are a better sister. You are a better mother. You are a better friend.  You are a better person overall. Why? Because you've dealt with grief with your head held high.  You've dealt with disappointment with a smile on your face.  You've conquered your fears with laughter. You still find reasons to live and love.  And you still find time to look fly. 

Love always,
You at 34


Sunday, September 23, 2012

30 Day Writing Change: Day 18 - What's Your Passion?

I don't thing I've ever identified my passion.

There are plenty of things that I enjoy doing.  But there is nothing that I do that I couldn't live without.

I love to write. In fact, I wouldn't mind making a living doing it. But, I don't know if I love it enough to stop everything that I'm doing write now to pursue it.

I love to shop. Can that be a passion? Handbags and shoes give me LIFE! The smell of leather and other animal skins makes my heart smile. But, I'm not sure how that could be a passion.

Can you be passionate about eating? I love food. But I'm not a foodie. I'm picky as hell. Eating with me is like feeding a 2 year old.  My food can't touch and there are only certain things I will eat. But, put something in front of me that I can recognize and KNOW is delicious. I'm shutting it down.

I'm not sure my anti-body hair movement is a passion or not.  But I work hard at keeping my body smooth and furless. I judge hairy people and direct them to the nearest laser hair removal location. I don't consider that a passion. I consider it community service.

I love politics. But I mainly watch to see politicians make asses of themselves. I mean, I try my best to keep up with the issues and know what I'm voting for. But really I just do that so that I can call people out when they don't know what the hell they are talking about.

What about playing the dozens? I love to do that. My mental rolodex of Yo Mama jokes is pretty damn stellar.  But that can't possibly be a passion, can it? Who would live for that kind of thing? Not me.

I'm going to have to think about this some more.  I know y'all are judging me right now.  I gotta fix that.



Saturday, September 22, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 17 - Choose Trust or Love

I choose trust.

If you are spending your days stalking his FB wall and trying to interpret why someone liked a picture.  If you are hacking into his email and intercepting messages.  If you know the code to his voice mail and forward messages to your own phone for "proof".  If every other night you and your girls are suited up in black hoodies and Tims and patrolling the neighborhood to see where his car is parked?  That's not love.  That's obsession.  Seek some damn help.

It's a waste of time if you are spending yours worried what someone is doing.  They obviously aren't wondering if you are sitting at home worried about their behavior.  They are out there getting their life! You better go get yours.

Trust is a basic building block for love. You don't have that? Expect your shit to be shakier than a glass house during a F5 tornado.

If you don't trust your partner, you stay in a place that is unhealthy for both of you. There is no way the relationship can flourish if one person is ALWAYS questioning the intent of the other.

Staying with a person that you don't trust isn't always about love anyway.  It's about co-dependency.  It's about enabling.  Sometimes it's about control. (See KeKe Wyatt on R&B Divas for reference.) That's not a happy situation for any of the parties involved.

A person who says that they love you, but continues to do things that demolishes trust is an emotional abuser.  If their words and their actions don't match it might be time to back away.  Even if it's just for a little while.

So yeah, I choose trust. If I can trust you, I can love you completely. If I can't, there's always going to be something in the way that prevents our relationship from growing.  And if we can't grow together, we don't need to be together.

I know it's never that simple. Believe me I KNOW that it's never ever that black and white. But there comes a time when you have to make decisions that are best for your emotional health. And stepping away from a situation that turns you into a stealthy stalker just may be one of them.

Trust.

No More Drama

**DISCLAIMER: I've been thinking about writing this post for a while now.  At first I wasn't going to do it because I know there's going to be some kind of backlash, but I decided that if I'm going to live up to the theme of this blog and stay true to myself then I have to write it.  If you get upset with this post I sincerely apologize for hurting your feelings.  But I don't apologize for what I'm going to say.**

Yesterday I came to a realization.  I have a silent family.  That doesn't mean that everyone is a mute.  No, it's actually quite the opposite.  My family is full of loudmouths.  There's always somebody ready and willing to pop off about whatever.  But nobody talks about anything.  At least not anything important.

That really bothers me.  I think if people stopped trying to seem so...invincible and really sat down and talked things out with each other there wouldn't be a need to do all of the yelling and screaming and other foolishness.  I realize that it's a defense mechanism though.  All of that rah rah is a distraction.  Like a magic trick, do something fancy with your right hand so nobody pays attention to your left.

I get it.

I just don't like it.

I have a reputation for telling people like it is.  But I save that superpower for friends and strangers.  I don't ever really go there with my family.  Well, yesterday I decided that I'm not going to do that anymore.  You come to me with a problem and we are going to talk about the real issue.  You don't want to talk about the real issue? Then you don't want to talk to me.

I've spent 34 years on pointe dancing around problems.  My feet are tired people.  So, I'm just gonna sit down and relax.  I'm not going to let worrying about what everybody else is doing cause me to have ulcers, high blood pressure, and migraines.  No, I feel like if I'm going to suffer through all of that, it's gonna be because of my own bullshit.  And Lord knows I have enough of my own.

From this point on Tee doesn't want talk about who made you mad.  I don't want to hear about what dumb shit other people are doing.  I don't want to listen to you complain about how the world has done you wrong.  I don't have any more time for victims, charlatans, and fools.  I just don't.

This is what we are going to do if you feel like you absolutely need to talk to me.  We are going to talk about why you are in the position that you are complaining about.  What did you do to end up there? What are you doing to get out? This is about owning your shit and taking responsibility for the shit storms in your life.

We are going to take that big ass elephant in the room for a walk.

And when we are done taking those laps I'm still going to love you. Nothing will ever, ever change that. And I hope that you feel the same. You probably won't like me though.  And that's fine, you don't have to like me, just get in line behind all the others.  As long as the message gets across I'll be just fine.






Friday, September 21, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 16 - If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?

I would eradicate stupid people from the Earth.  Get rid of dumb and the sun will shine brighter, birds will sing louder, and rainbows will cover the sky.  It's true.

That was easy.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 15 - If You Could Have a Super Power, What Would It Be?

This is a good question.  I've never really thought about having a super power before.  Not because I'm not into super heroes, mainly because I prefer to use brute strength on my enemies.  But, I guess if I had some kind of X-Men worthy mutation it would be kind of dope.

But what would it be?

Maybe I could read minds like Jean Grey.  She was always in somebody's head messing around with their thoughts.  If I had this power I wouldn't use it on my friends.  I think I would save it to use on politicians and dictators.  Like, I'd get in there and see what synapses where firing when they came up with an asinine idea.  Could you imagine how different the world would be if somebody got into the man's head that up with slavery? Or if they could have shut down Hitler's whole frontal lobe the night he came up with Auschwitz? Or if they could have made Drake's Daddy pull out before...well you know.

Yeah, I'd read minds.  And I'd make people make better decisions, meaning I'd make them do what I think is right. 






Wednesday, September 19, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 14 - Dream Wedding

Most girls dream of the wedding where they get to dress up like a Princess and meet Prince Charming at the end of the aisle.

Well, I did that 11 years ago.  And let me tell you something people.  It was the biggest damn headache of my life!! 

Almost 2 years of planning culminated into an event with over 400 guests, about 100 of them uninvited. There were almost 20 people in the wedding party to keep track of. A soloist didn't show up.  There was a monsoon.  The ring bearer hid the pillow so he wouldn't have to walk down the aisle.  One of my bridesmaids didn't get a French Manicure as requested. My father refused to remove his Blue Blockers.  I didn't get to eat any of the delicious food that I'd carefully selected because of my nerves and people kept talking to me. 

By the end of the night my nerves were fried!! All that meeting and greeting.  People I barely knew touching me and talking to me.  I don't know what I was thinking when I said I wanted a big wedding.  Hubby just wanted to go to the Justice of the Peace or Vegas.  The thought was an affront to my betrothed Southern sensibilities.

If I had to do it all over again, I'd hop on a plane and disappear.

So my dream wedding? Me, the man I love, and a clergy man.  Alone on a beach with white sand and turquoise water.  Wearing white linen and no shoes.  I may or may not be drunk.  The end.  I don't have time for theatrics and shenanigans. My dream wedding is about US, not the show that we can put on for everybody else.

Yep, next time it will be simpler. No anxiety attacks or Bridezilla-esque emotional breakdowns. Just us, Jesus, and an ocean breeze. Sweet.


Tuesday, September 18, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 13 - Favorite Movies

I love movies.  In my opinion there is nothing better that sitting at home on the weekend with a mixing bowl full of Haribo, an ice cold Pepsi, and some popcorn watching your favorite flicks.

I like movies that bring out happy emotions.  I want to laugh and sing. I like movies that are full of action and a little bit of suspense.  

Miss me with the horror movies.  I don't play the fear games.  The last horror movie I watched was Saw. I believe the year was 2002.  I was at a friend's house and it was under duress. I've never quite recovered from that shit. I mean, I forgave my friend immediately for subjecting me to that foolishness, but I will never look at clowns, pipes, or hospitals the same again.

Since I'm a lightweight movie buff, I won't bore you with all of the movies that I love. I'll give you my top 10.

The Top 10 Best Damn Movies Ever (According to Tee) 

1. My favorite movie of all time is The Color Purple. I don't know how Stephen Spielberg managed to capture life in the rural south as awesomely as he did, but he deserves all of the awards! I know that movie by heart. Every single damn word. My favorite scene? When Celie is "at home fixin' ta shave Mister"! Lawd hammercy that's some high drama for you! Yo Mister was about to get bled like a hog during slaughter. Shout out to Shug for those fleet feet! That's how you save a life homie.

2. New Jack City. This is a classic right here.  If you grew up in the inner city you revered this movie because there where characters that you knew on screen. Look, there was a time in my life when I considered Nino Brown a close and personal friend.  You can go ahead and judge me if you want, but Wesley Snipes plays the hell out of a drug dealer. I know you've seen Sugar Hill (another good movie). Oh and don't get me started on Keisha. When she murked Smitty the Jamaican and "[blew] his brains all over the sidewalk in broad daylight"? Brava Diva!!! Brava!!

3. The Five Heartbeats. When I tell you that I LIVE for this movie!! OMG! This movie is full of everything that I need. Great acting, singing, comedy, and drama at the same damn time!! I love it. So many people were overlooked for major awards in this one. Robert Townsend? Leon? MICHAEL WRIGHT? Man, listen Eddie Kane, Jr. is one of the best characters ever captured on celluloid.  You don't have to agree. I'm sure you've been wrong before.

4. The Jackson Family: An American Dream. Look, wherever you put Michael Joseph Jackson, I'm going to be there. This movie is amazeballs. I really don't have any words to describe how it makes me feel. I just love it. That is all.

5. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Now, I know this is 3 movies, but I'm lumping them all together because I feel like they all are equally amazing. In case you didn't know, I'm a book nerd. So having one of my faves brought to life in such an awesome manner just makes my heart smile. Also, Orlando Bloom as Legolas does something wonderful to my soul. You can judge me for swooning over an elf. I'm pretty sure I don't care.

6. The Princess Bride. The love story between Wesley/The Dread Pirate Roberts and Princess Buttercup is beautiful. Also, the movie is freaking hilarious. The comedic timing in this one is stellar. Every character is played to perfection. This is one that I can watch over and over and feel like it's the first time.

7. Malcolm X. Denzel Washington should have 3 Oscars. That is all.

Thug love.
8. Paid in Full. Another hood classic that I can't get enough of. Also Mekhi Phifer as Money Makin' Mitch makes me suh-wooooon like no other. Despite the fact that the main characters are huge drug dealers, it's a really good story. A true story which makes it even better to me.

9. Coming to America. Hands down one of the funniest movies ever made. This is when Eddie Murphy was at his best. Prince Akeem and his homeboy Semmi's shenanigans in Queens, NYC are the stuff of legend. Non-stop laughter from beginning to end. Also, please be advised that is is nothing for me to start singing this little ditty at the top of my lungs wherever I am. Best. Song. Ever. Oha DID THAT.

10. The Temptations. Another awesome movie about the life of a spectacular music group. What makes this movie a favorite is Leon as David Ruffin. Talk about a stand out performance! Wooo! Everytime I say the phrase "you ungrateful sonsabitches!" I try to channel Leon. Outstanding.

Okay, so that's my top 10. I'm going to go watch a few of them now.

Monday, September 17, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 12 - What would you say your biggest fear is when it comes to relationships?

That's it! I'm canceling this weeks therapy appointment. Seems like I'm covering everything here for free.

My biggest fear when it comes to relationships is failure (and we already know I have issues with failure). I'm afraid that even if I try as hard as I can to make things work, they won't. Ending something that you vowed before God and everybody would last until death? That's some epic failure for your ass right there people.

I'm afraid of being judged. That people will say "I knew it wouldn't work" or "I'm surprised it took this long to end". People will pretend that they know things about me and my relationship that they don't, and make conclusions based on lies. That people will look at me and know that I couldn't fix. Like there will be some kind of scarlet letter on my forehead. A big ass italicized "F".

I'm afraid of scars. Of not being able to believe in love again. Of not even wanting to try, because the first time was such a letdown.

More than anything, I'm afraid of being alone.  Which is odd for me since I value solitude and silence so much. But being in a room alone with your thoughts is something all together different than going through life alone with your feelings. Wouldn't you agree?



Sunday, September 16, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 11 - Are You a Lover or a Fighter?

Are you a lover or a fighter? I'm both. I'm a Cancer. Lover and fighter pretty much sums up what we are about.

It takes me a long time to love. Hell, let's be honest, it takes me a long time to like. But when I decide that you are a person that deserves that emotion, there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. Except go to jail. I ain't going to the pokie for none of you clowns.

When I do that feel that emotion, I feel it to the very depths of my soul. I don't use the word love lightly. If I say it, I mean it. If I tell you I love you, you better believe I'm telling you the truth. If I say I don't like you, then you should believe that too. I'm not a person that lies, especially about my emotions. I honestly don't think I could. Even if I'm quiet how I really feel about you shows up on my face.

I'm not going to get too deep into my fighter side. Let's just say that there was this book written once called The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, look that one up if you ever need an explanation of how I flip when it's time to fight. It's all good in the hood til you push me. Then all bets are off.

I don't consider myself an angry person. I don't even think I'm mean. I'm honestly one of the sweetest, nicest people you know. But do something that hurts me or somebody that I love? You are going to have some problems buddy. I'm talking problems of the furniture moving, smoke in the city, somebody might need stitches and a self-esteem transplant after this variety.

I don't play the I'm going to talk this out and come up with a solution that makes sense games. No ma'am. Do something to hurt a loved one and I'll cut you first and ask questions later.

So yeah, I'm a lover and a fighter.

I'll love you until I don't. I'll fight for you until I won't. If I don't and I won't? Don't even bother coming around me. It will be an awfully chilly situation. Please refer to paragraph 4 for how things may turn out for you.



Saturday, September 15, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 10 - What Do You Like The Least About Yourself?

I really don't like that I'm socially awkward. I really don't know how to act in a room full of people. And by full, I mean more than me.

I don't know how to start a conversation with a stranger.  You ever want to experience epic awkward silence come and sit next to me at a function. I'll look at you, maybe even smile (probably not), but I won't say a word. Not because I don't want to (well maybe), but because I don't know how. Like, when you walk up to somebody you don't know are you supposed to pretend like you care enough to ask them questions like "what's your name?" "what do you do?" "come here often? I have no idea where to start.

On very rare occasions (twice) I may try to tell a joke to break the ice. But unless you know me, you probably wouldn't get my humor. So that leads to more awkward silence. And eventually somebody walks away in search of real human contact.

I honestly try to avoid any situation where I will be around people that I don't know. Being in social situations makes me extremely anxious. I get so nervous sometimes that I just don't go. I don't plan parties or soiree's at my home. Sometimes I think it would be nice, but then I talk myself out of it. I just know nobody is going to show up. Or if they do come they'll be so bored or put off by the awkwardness that they leave almost immediately.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't like this. It can get terribly lonely. So yeah, that's the thing that I like least about myself. Who do I write this copay check out to?


Friday, September 14, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 9 - What Do You Like Most About Yourself?

I swear all these years I been paying for therapy, I could have been doing a damn writing challenge. Imagine that.

The thing that I like most about myself is my ability to find something funny in just about any situation. For me laughter is as therapeutic as any antidepressant that a doctor can prescribe. I know some people don't think that it's appropriate to laugh at some situations, but I've never been accused at being an appropriate person so....

I guess it's best that I give you some examples of what I'm talking about.

So, I'm always laughing in church. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Girl, you should be paying attention to The Word!" Well, I do that too. Multitasking is kind of a hobby of mine. Anyway, church is one of the most stellar people watching locations you can find. There's always somebody on the Mother Board who can't carry the weight of her Titanic sized hat, so she's got a sideways type of lean going on. There's always that member that catches the Holy Ghost at exactly 11:45 and runs 3 laps around the church, with occasional breaks to see who's watching. And don't even get me started on the epic shade that occurs in the choir stand!! Those singing angels stay passing out side-eyes, rolled eyes, sneers, and sucked teeth. So yeah, all of that is funny to me. I pay extra tithes and offering because I feel like I should be paying for the show.

I think I'm most famous for laughing at a very serious spoken word presentation back in 1998. It was during the Miss Black UK pageant.

The lights were dim. There may have been candles and somebody banging on some bongos. The whole crowd was quiet. The contestant walks out dressed like Cheetara with a little black Cabbage Patch baby tied to her back. She proceeds to stand up there and utter the single most wackest poem I'd heard up to that point in my young life. "Can I Make Love To You?" No ma'am. You may not. I'm not sure how she tied her African bush theme to the poem. I didn't even give a shit. I laughed until I cried. Man listen. Real tears. But I was the only person in a room full of hundreds who seemed to have been moved that way. Apparently it was rude. I was supposed to wait until I was in the comfort of my own dorm to tear the poor girl to shreds.  You know, like all of the other shady people. Oh well.

So yeah, I laugh at all of the wrong stuff.  And I like that about myself. I guess you could call me an asshole. I don't really care.


Thursday, September 13, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 8 - Has your heart ever been broken? Have you ever broken a heart?

Who wrote these questions? Sweet baby Jesus you are a meddling such and such ain't you?

Anyway, to answer the questions: yes and yes. I used to think my heart had been broken several times. Now I know that those times were just hurt feelings. A real broken heart causes real physical pain. It takes a very long time to recover from it. In my opinion, it's one of the closest times a person can come to experiencing death without completely crossing over. I've only felt that way one time in my life. I'm still not 100%. Sometimes I don't think I ever will be.

Not being able to breathe without hurting? Nausea? No appetite? Headaches? Depression? Anxiety? Been there and done all of that and some more. All because the person that I loved decided that they didn't love me as much as they should have. Or maybe they couldn't love me as much as I deserved.  I haven't quite figured it out yet, but I'm working on it.

I try not to be jaded and evil (well at least not because of what somebody else did to me, some of that is just a character flaw) and hold old hurts against new people. Nobody likes to hang around the mean old bag lady. I don't do a lot of asking "why me" or "what could I have done different" anymore. Dwelling on things that I can't control doesn't help the healing process.

It's an odd feeling realizing that the one you want to be with is the one that has the power to hurt you the most. That's why I've tried as hard as I can to never make someone experience the hurt that I felt when my heart was broken. I figured that I was doing a pretty good job until someone told me that I wasn't. It seems that I've been leaving a trail of broken hearts behind me for decades now. I mean, don't get me wrong I knew that folks were quite taken with my greatness, but I never knew that they felt bad once I moved on. But apparently, that's part of how I hurt guys the most. It's very easy for me to walk away and not give a person a second thought. Not because I don't think that they matter, mainly because I don't think they are important anymore. That's pretty harsh, huh? Damn. *light bulb moment*

And then after the heartbreak, you end up in limbo. Hurt, damaged, and angry. Still able and wanting to love. Knowing that that love can hurt you, but going after it anyway. It's like stepping into a cage at the zoo. You know there's a possibility that you are going to be ripped to shreds, but you just have to have a closer look because there's a chance that you might not get shredded.

Heartbreak sucks big ones.


Wednesday, September 12, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 7 -What does your name mean? Why were you named what you were named?

The most appropriate translations for my name would be fantastic and awesome. But I made that up because it's not written anywhere. In real life it means "aunt". Also appropriate because I have 10 nieces and nephews.

My mother chose it because she's prophetic and she knew that I would be great.  Also, there was a girl next door to my aunt with the name. She must have been great too. 



Tuesday, September 11, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 6 - What is your fear/phobia?

What are my fears/phobias? I think the easiest thing would be for me to tell you what I'm not afraid of.  I'm serious. Everything scares me. It's kind of ridiculous. Anyway, here's my list:

Shit That Scares The Shit Outta Me: An Abbreviated List

  1. Scary children in movies. I don't mess with movies that have children in them. Scary kids terrify me. There's no reason should be walking around unattended killing folks and getting possessed all willy nilly. It ain't right and I want no parts of it.
  2. Heights. Being high up makes me nervous.  
  3. Deep water. And by deep I mean higher than my ankles. I can't swim, I don't want to learn. There is nothing more out of control than being surrounded by water and not knowing if you are up or down. No thanks.
  4. Scary movies. Being scared on purpose is dumb as hell. Anybody who's into that needs to seek mental treatment of the 72 hour hold variety.
  5. Large crowds. And by crowd I mean more than 4 people. Any group of people larger than that and I retreat inside myself. I'm not antisocial. I'm a socialphobe. I just made that word up. 
  6. Unattractiveness. Now, I know this will seem mean, but judge me if you want. Who didn't jump when they first laid eyes on Shabba Ranks? Exactly. This is why I don't have any ugly friends. Pretty is comforting to me. 
  7. Loud noises. Wanna see me jump and run? Pop a balloon. My ass will beat Usain Bolt getting away from there.
  8. Cats. Cats are creepy and sneaky. They look at you with eyes that know. They see through you. I'm certain that a whole group of cats sits around a plans the demise of the humans around them. I can't take those kinds of chances.
  9. Failure. I talked about this before. I don't like failing. I don't like starting things that I can't finish. I don't always have to win, but I have to make it to the end. If I don't it's a problem. I'd rather not start something if I know I won't be able to see it through.
  10. Public speaking. I think this is because I'm a socialphobe. I don't like speaking in front of people. If I have to I talk as fast as I possibly can to get it over with.
  11. Answering questions. I have an irrational fear of being wrong, even when I know I'm right. 
Well that's all the sharing I'm going to do today. I pay my therapist good money to tell her these things. I can't be giving it all away for free. 

Monday, September 10, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge - Day 5: Describe the last thing that seriously made you cry

The last thing that made me seriously cry? What's seriously? Like fall down on the floor, snorting and snotting? Roll around on the ground in pain crying? Screaming and hollering and just acting a complete damn fool?

Last Tuesday.  My sister called me to tell me that my nephew had been critically injured in an accident. She described all of his injuries and told me that "it doesn't look good".

Doesn't look good? What the hell does that even mean? Doesn't look good....like he might die?

Impossible. He's only 16. 16 year old kids don't get in accidents and have injuries that "don't look good". No, she was talking about somebody else.  Until I realized that she wasn't talking about somebody else. She was talking about the boy that I helped raise.  A child that I love like he's one of my own.

To hear that he didn't look good? Total devastation.

Yea, I seriously cried. Epic emotional breakdown. I haven't cried since. Not saying that I won't, but I'm gonna try and be strong for now.























Sunday, September 9, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge - Day 4: What Is True Love?1

What is true love? 

I have no idea. And that's an honest answer. 


Saturday, September 8, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge - Day 3: If you could wish for anything that would come true, what would you wish for?

I don't make wishes. I'm a realist with a very large dose of pessimist. Wishes aren't what a person like me spends time on.

But if I had to make one wish, I'd wish that my nephew Nicolas Shayne Thomas got up out of his hospital bed fully recovered from all injuries and ready to make positive changes in his life.

I know that wishes don't really come true. So what I do is pray.

I'm praying for Nicky's complete physical and mental healing. I'm praying that he learns a lesson from everything that's happened. I'm praying that he recognizes his blessings and stops blocking them.  I'm praying that my family recognizes the miracle in the fact that we are able to pray for his recovery and not for our peace from a tremendous loss.

I have faith that my prayers will be answered. That renders wishes unnecessary.










Friday, September 7, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge - Day 2: Who/What Can't You Live Without

I used to think that I couldn't make it without certain people in my life.  Turns out I'm doing just fine.

A few years ago I would have said a real book, but my Kindle has made me a believer.

Yesterday I would have said an apple Jolly Rancher lollipop, but I had to settle for a Blow Pop and I still survived.

Other than my son there are no people on Earth that I just have to be around. But I wouldn't say I couldn't live without him because there are days when I want to ship him off to destinations unknown in a box with holes punched in it.

I guess the "who" that I can't live without is my very best friend, Tee. The real me. We had some problems and she went away for a while a few years back. And I must admit that life was pretty rough without her. I was walking around completely lost. I understand why she took a break, but dammit it was hard dealing with life alone.

She's back full throttle these days though. And she's taking no shorts. From anybody.

So yeah, the one person I can't live without is the real and true me. Deal with it.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 1 - My Favorite Things

Day 1 of the writing challenge. Assignment - 20 of My Favorite Things.

This should be easy. I'm always making lists about something. Usually about things I hate or that get on my nerves, this is a delightful change.

These are in no particular order.

  1.  My son's laughter. Nothing brings me more joy that listening to this sound. There's so much freedom and unbridled happiness in it. He's an only child so he's skilled at making himself laugh. Then there's the shenanigans on The Regular Show. Oh and when he thinks he's parents do something uncool or stupid.  Yeah, he's always laughing. I love it.
  2. Air Max 90/95. I'm obsessed with these shoes. I collect 90s and 95s like some folks collect coins. Here's why: in 1990 and 1995 I couldn't get them because my feet were too small, the kid's shoes didn't have the patented Nike air pockets that I'm so enamored with. Call me crazy if you want, but I'm making up for lost time.
  3. Handbags. Another obsession. I can't really even explain how a new bag makes me feel.  Pulling something made of soft, buttery leather out of a dust bag is just...awesome. Angels sing and baby Jesus smiles. There's just no better feeling.
  4. Music. My taste in music is pretty eclectic. My iPod is filled with selections from The Dixie Chicks to A$AP Rocky. I like old school R&B the most. That music had so much feeling behind it.  When Marvin Gaye or The Temptations sang about love you believed it. Frankie Beverly gives me happy feelings. Jeremih? Not so much.
  5. Maury Povich Baby Daddy Shows. Man listen.  These shows give me LIFE!! I know, I know some folks will say that I shouldn't support the how MP takes advantage of the poor, loose women who continue to come on the show trying to identify their sperm donors, but I can't give it up. Watching a young man hit his dougie or a mean pop-lock combo when he finds out he doesn't have to commit to 18 years of child support makes my heart smile. 
  6. Musicals. Yep, I love them. In my opinion there is nothing better than watching people randomly break out in song and dance. I pretty much have lived my life imagining that my life is like a musical. I've assigned certain songs to go with certain moments.  Judge me if you want, I'll be over here chilling with these jazz hands and this kick-ball-change move of perfection.
  7. Movies. I'll watch anything that doesn't involve scaring the piss out of me. I'm not into that kind of torture. 
  8. Nail polish. I'm a former nail biter. Getting regular manicures saved my hands. I love bright, pretty colors. Zoya and OPI are my go to brands.
  9. Reading. My goal is to read one book a week. I usually read more. I'm a speed reader so getting through them isn't really an issue.
  10. Ratchetness. I really can't explain it. Go here for more information. 
  11. Cupcakes. You give me a cupcake and I will love you for life. End of story.
  12. Haribo Gummi Bears. I honestly believe that this is the manna from heaven that they talk about in the Bible. Only the Good Lord's hands could create such perfection.
  13. Pedicures. My regular pedicurist is Tom Phan. Tom has hands have been blessed for God. That man can give you a foot and calf massage that will make you want to kiss him.  I don't kiss him, but I tip him really well. I'm pretty sure they just call my money his youngest child's scholarship fund.
  14. Criminal Minds. I'm already a devout follower of the stranger danger doctrine. This show has convinced me that everyone is an unsub. I don't trust nunya!! But I can't look away. Not even when some loon serves up his victims at the church chili stand. 
  15. NCIS. Mark Harmon is a fine piece. 
  16. Suburban living. I was raised in an urban area. The burbs are so much better. Where else can you get your dry cleaning, tasty food, clothes shopping, taxes, and shoe cobbling done in the same plaza? Only in the burbs. So convenient. 
  17. Kindle. All of my books in one place? One-click purchasing? Words With Friends? You had me at hello Kindle.
  18. Jeans. There's nothing better than a nice pair of jeans! When you find a brand that fits you just right and makes your ass look like perfection it's like you won the lotto. Joe's Jeans does this for me. Stellar. Definitely worth the money you pay.
  19. Random information. If you ever want to know a fact of some shit that will never matter ask me. My head is so full of useless information, I'm shocked that I can have normal thoughts.
  20. Sleep. Getting 8 hours is a requirement. I choose sleep over everything. Judge me if you want. But you won't be judging any bags under my eyes. 
Well there you go. 20 of my favorite things. Took longer than I thought it would. 

30 Day Writing Challenge

So my homie Double Tu started a 30 day writing challenge to get in the habit of blogging everyday.  I think this is a great idea. I'll be participating in the challenge.  I think this is a great way to get your writing juices flowing.

Here are the challenges, each one represents a day of the challenge:
1. 20 of my favorite things?
2. Who/what can’t you live without?
3. If you could wish for anything that would come true, what would you wish for?
4. What is true love?
5. Describe the last thing that made you seriously cry.
6. What is your phobia/fear?
7. What does your name mean? Why were you named what you were named?
8. Have you ever had your heart broken? Have you ever broken a heart?
9. What do you like the most about yourself?
10. What do you dislike the most about yourself?
11. Are you a lover or a fighter?
12. What would you say your biggest fear is when it comes to relationships?
13. Favorite movies?
14. Dream wedding?
15. If you could have a super power, what would it be?
16. If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?
17. Choose: trust or love
18. What’s your passion?
19. Write a letter to yourself 10 years ago.
20. Does love = sex?
21. Who is your best friend in life?
22. Whom do you admire the most?
23. Write a letter to the person who has ever hurt you the most?
24. What gives you sincere happiness?
25. What are the 10 most significant events in your life?
26. When were the happiest days in your life?
27. If there was a movie about your life what actors would you cast and who would they play?
28. If you died tomorrow, what’s one thing you’d regret not doing?
29. Who would you invite to the perfect dinner party? (Dead, living, historical, famous, not famous...)
30. Who are you?

Serenity. Courage. Wisdom.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change; the courage to accept the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. - Reinhold Niebuhr

I know some people may recognize The Serenity Prayer as the mantra of Alcoholics Anonymous or maybe another 12-step program for addicts in recovery. I'm not recovering from any addiction. At least not one of the alcohol or opiate variety. No, I don't think you have to stop getting drunk or high to have an understanding of what Dr. Niebuhr was saying. I believe that we all are recovering from something. 

It could be heartbreak, sickness, depression, a loss. We all have experienced something that changes our lives in a way that makes us question the way that we've done things before, and recognize that a change needs to be made.

Such a simple prayer. But it means so much. Well at least it does to me. Whenever I'm having a difficult time I repeat it. I'm a bit of a control freak. In my perfect world I would be able to decide the outcome of every situation that I encounter. There would be nothing but happy endings, rainbows, and butterflies. 

I know that's not realistic. Everyday I struggle with this.  And that's why I say this prayer. I have to remind myself constantly that I'm not in control. 

Serenity. Courage. Wisdom.

I don't want to feel pain. Pain sucks. But I have felt it. Sometimes it's hurt so bad that it felt like my soul was on fire. I didn't want to go any further because I knew that the pain would go with me. I just wanted to lay down and be still. I don't know if any of you can relate to that kind of hurt, but I'm pretty sure that there is at least one person out there that can. It took me a LONG time to figure out that I couldn't let that pain dictate my life.

I prayed and found serenity. I learned to forgive myself and the person/people that hurt me. I couldn't have peace as long as I held on to grudges. Letting go was cleansing. 

I found courage in my new found ability to move forward. Instead of living in fear of being hurt I look forward to healing. I no longer shy away from new experiences that remind me of past pain. I battle anxiety for some of these things, but I try not to back down.

I've learned that there is a lesson in everything. Even what feels like the worst thing to ever happen in life happened for a reason. There is nothing that you will go through that you can't learn something from. Wisdom.

Serenity. Courage. Wisdom. 

Three words that changed my life. Three words that continue to help me grow daily. 


Monday, September 3, 2012

Labor Day

Picture it:  Lexington, KY.  A cold winter day in 2004.  It was a Tuesday, the13th of January.

I awaken early in the morning with an unfamiliar pain in my ass.  I'd never been pregnant before so I couldn't be certain, but I was pretty sure that this kind feeling was not something that I should be experiencing.

I grab my cell phone and call my OB/GYN's office.  I explain the ass pain and they schedule me for an immediate appointment.  In the office, I'm hooked up to some kind of machine that reads contractions.  I'm told that I'm not in "real" labor.  I'm sent home with a prescription for a sleeping aid and an assurance that it wasn't time yet.

I knew that they were full of shit. I couldn't quite place how I knew it. But I knew that what I what I was feeling was real. No ma'am, there's no way you can fake the feeling of a 10 pound bowling ball forcing it's way out of your anus. Not even Steven Spielberg can do that. I don't give a damn how many awards his imagination has won! But because I was a rookie at this, I didn't argue.  I went home, turned on Maury Povich and fell into a peaceful sleep.

Cut to dinner time.  It's about 8:30 pm and I'm pulling a pan of baked chicken out of the oven.

All hell breaks loose! I am gripped around my center by a pain that I can only describe as what the last seconds of life feel like right before the Good Lord shuts all your bodily functions down. Oh my goodness, I think I would rather be hit square in the face by Kimbo Slice than to deal with this kind of foolishness!

[This is where my story really begins. Please be patient with me as I walk you through this. It's taken many years of therapy for me to even be able to discuss this.]

I had made a promise to my husband months before that I would try to taper the cursing during this time.  So when the first wave hit I screamed "Hallelujah!!" And then the second wave hit and I screamed "Thank you! Thank you JESUS!!" I'm not sure how I ended up on the complete other end of the spectrum from cuss words. I guess the only thing I could remember was the Lord is my refuge and strength.  An ever present help in times of sorrow and need.  And dammit I was feeling mighty low.

Around the third or fourth "help me Jesus", Hubby decided to check on whether the chicken was so delicious that it was giving me the Holy Ghost. No, no sir. No praise dancing here. I'm just in this kitchen trying to stay conscious. I appreciate you giving a damn about the chicken though....

When Hubby finally figures out what's going on he grabs my bag and ushers me out of the door. No delicious chicken for us tonight. Our Lil Man is on the way!

We get to the hospital and head straight for the maternity ward.  I've preregistered so there shouldn't be any issues.  All I have to do is say I'm here and they show me to my delightful birthing suite.  Except, it didn't really work out like that.  These sonsabishes DIDN'T HAVE MY PAPERWORK!! I'm not sure how this happened.  I know I sent it in. This is unacceptable.

I remember my promise to my husband.  I don't want to bring my child into the world in a flurry of f-bomb, b words, and motherf@%^ers. So I concede and head to registration.

So we sit down at the registration desk.  A lady named Taneshia would be helping us out.

Taneshia: Mrs. Tee! I see it's time to have a baby!
Me: *side eye and sneer* Umm hmmm. Looks that way.
Hubby: *squeezes my hand and shakes his head* I've officially been warned not to show my ass.
Taneshia: Great! All we have to do is get you registered.  You'll need to fill out this, this, this, and this!
She places a stack of papers the size of the Encyclopedia Brittanica A-Z set.
Me: Um... but I preregistered. I sent the paperwork in weeks ago.
Teneshia: Oh, no! It appears you're not in the system.  Just fill out this, this, this, and this and we'll go have a baby!
Me: *blank stare*
Hubby: Ummm...is there anyway we can do this later, she's in a lot of pain.
Taneshia: Oh, no. We have to do it now.  Just sign this, this, this, and this! And I'll go make a copy of your driver's license and insurance card.
Me: *tosses cards at her head* *well not really but I wanted to*
Taneshia: Be right back!
Me: *another contraction hits me in the gut* Look Hubby, if this bitch don't move at like lightening speed I'm moving some fucking furniture in here! Ya hear me?
Hubby: *closes eyes* *exhales* OK baby.
Taneshia: *singing* You don't have to be rich, to be my girl...
Me: *turns to Hubby* Is she back there singing? Is..is..is this heffa singing Prince?
Hubby: *shrugs shoulders*
Me: BITCH are you back there singing? All I know is if I have to come over this desk it's gonna be a motherfuckin problem!! You understand me! This ain't Star Search, shut the fuck up, make my copies and GET ME IN MY GATDAMN ROOM!!
Hubby: *hangs head*

I've failed. In an extremely epic manner. I have no regrets.

Taneshia rushes out. An orderly appears out of nowhere and I am ushered to my room.  I immediately ask about my epidural.  I'm informed that it's not time for that yet.  The nurse, who was extremely efficient at putting people out of their misery, gives me a shot of something that makes me feel loose and dreamy. I'm certain it was an antipsychotic.  I have no complaints.

An hour passes.  The nurse violates me by sticking her whole arm in my privacy.  She summons the anesthesiologist.  I am pleased.

The anesthesiologist asks me my height and weight. I lie. I tell him that I weigh more than I really do. He sends Hubby out of the room.  Sets up the epidural drip.  In a few minutes I can't feel anything from my armpits down.  I'm officially a quadraplegic.  I have no complaints.

I fall into a peaceful sleep.  I am awakened by the nurse telling me it's time to push.  She puts her hands down there and asks me if I can feel it.  I can't feel shit lady, I'm numb from my eyeballs down!  But I lie and say I can.  I don't want them taking away my drugs.

And so I start pushing.  I can't feel a thing.  But the nurse is very encouraging, she keeps telling me I was made for this kind of thing.  I'm convinced she's taken a dose of the good shit they've given me.

Lil Man is almost here.  The nurse tries to convince Hubby to come check out the progress.  he refuses.  He's perfectly fine in the position that he's chosen north of all of the action holding my hand and whispering words of encouragement.  But the nurse just won't let it go.  She finally gets him to come check things out.  He immediately regrets it.  I've never seen a black man turn this shade of green.  Even through my drug induced haze I'm smart enough to pray that if he falls he falls forward onto the bed to prevent injury.  No sense in both of us being confined to a hospital bed.  Baby needs at least one able bodied parent.

He's absolutely horrified by what he has seen.  I ask him what it looks like.  He turns to me with the grimmest expression I've ever seen a young man wear and says, "What does it look like?!?! It looks like a gotdamn baby coming out of you pu$$y!!" And then he comes back north and grabs my hand.

About 10 more minutes pass and Lil Man is here.  I'm so high I didn't even realize he was out. Hubby has to tell me that he's across the room being cleaned and weighed.

They bring my precious baby over to us.  He's all bundled up in hospital issued blankets and hats.  He opens his eyes.  They are blue.  I start to cry.

These tears are not of joy.  I'm crying because my child is pale and has clear blue eyes.  He's the ugliest little creature I've ever seen.  There's no way he can be mine!! There's obviously been some kind of mistake.  So I ask the nurses where my real baby is. They just chuckle.  Apparently, they think it's the drugs.  But it's not.  I know this little alien isn't mine. But I don't say anything else.  I have a plan.  I'm going to call my girls, they always have my back.  They are going to help me find my real baby.

So, in a few hours I've called all of my friends to announce the birth.  I also tell them I don't think he's mine.  I'm black.  That kid is a caucasian alien. He has red hair and impossibly large blue eyes.  I'm not well versed in the works of Mendel, but I'm positive that shit is kind of genetically impossible.

And then the tears really start to fall.  I cry because my baby is unattractive.  I cry because my baby is not the same race as me. I cry because nobody will help me find my real baby. But after I hold him, I decide that I like him despite his unfortunate facial situation.  I'll keep him for now, at least until my real baby shows up.

In the meantime I make a pact with God.  I utter what is quite possibly the most shallow prayer a person could ever fix their mouth to say.  I say "God, I know this is probably some kind of punishment for me making fun of white people and ugly people.  I get the message.  I won't do it again.  Just change my baby's face.  If you make him cute, I'll be nice to white folks. I'll have white friends. I'll stop being mean to ugly people even when they make me nervous. I promise God, just give me another chance! I won't let you down!! Amen."

And after a few weeks his cuteness started to show. But I haven't been able to keep my promise.  I still make fun of just about everybody.  I'm really not nice to anybody.  This is why I only have one child.  I know the next one will probably come out looking like some kind of jacked up science experiment.  I can't take those kinds of chances.