I saw this posted on PostSecret this morning. It really struck a chord with me. The idea of knowing that I am "enough" is a constant struggle for me. After seeing this secret, I immediately knew that I should write about it, but I couldn't really find the words.
It has taken me almost 14 hours to come up with the following paragraphs...
Like many females, I have struggled with maintaining my self-esteem. I have been in situations that led me to compare myself to other people. I questioned why my skin wasn't the right color. Why my hair isn't straight enough. Why my legs aren't long enough. I wondered what made other women more desirable or likable than me. I have looked to men to validate me. I have looked for permission from others to accept myself (or who I thought I was) .
Over the years, I have accepted and allowed a lot of things for no other reason than because I thought I deserved it. I thought that because I didn't measure up, what I was getting was the perfect portion for me. Only recently have I realized that I haven't been getting my fair share. That I deserve so much MORE. But I've also realized that I will never get more until I accept the fact that I that there is room inside me for what's in store.
So every day, beginning as soon as I open my eyes, I start saying positive affirmations like the one on PostSecret. Slowly, but surely, I am beginning to believe the words that I say. I'm not completely there yet. And honestly, I don't know if I will ever be 100%, but my goal is to get as close to that as I can.
I have the power. I have to believe that. I may never be the tallest, skinniest, or even the prettiest girl in the room. But I will always be the best me that I can be.
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference... - Elie Wiesel
IDC
Indifference. It's certainly an odd emotion. In layman's terms indifference is pretty much the point when you just don't give a shit. Just about anything that is remotely associated with whatever it is that you previously cared about you give approximately 0 damns about now.
What's odd is that it usually surprises you. You don't know that you don't care until you realize that instead of blowing your top, you're shrugging your shoulders, taking a sip of tea, and giving a big ole blank stare.
I know you've experienced it.
The point where instead of losing your mind when you find out your boo is doing things they shouldn't, you just shake you head and bid them adieu. No tears because you are hurt, just tears because you can't believe you wasted so much time dealing with a person like that.
That project at work that was sooooo important that you were losing sleep. But people keep undermining your ideas and management keeps making asinine decisions so it's affecting your productivity. Instead of flipping tables in meetings, you just let them have their way and don't even smirk at their failures.
Most people would say that this is not a good emotion. They would say that a person that just doesn't care or doesn't feel any emotion about things isn't really taking advantage of the human experience. I disagree. I think that indifference is an essential emotion. It is as important as happiness, sadness, and anger. Some things are not worth wasting heartfelt emotions like hate (although, I don't believe in hate...just extreme dislike) on. Some people aren't worth dedicating important moments of your life to.
I choose to assign happiness to things that really and truly matter. I choose to assign anger and sadness to those things too. Indifference is the black hole where all the unimportant crap dwells. They are assigned side-eyes, blank stares, and head shakes. Because honestly, most of those things are really even important enough for words.
Honestly, indifference is my goal for a lot of things. This doesn't mean that I want to live my life without feeling happiness, sadness, or anger. I'm not apathetic. What it means, to me at least, is that I don't want to dwell on tomfoolery and shenanigans that other people can bring into my life. I've found that most of the things that make me sad or angry are because of other people's decisions.
Indifference is about taking the control that those people have over you away. It's not apathy by any means. An apathetic person doesn't care about anything. A person who is indifferent about some things cares enough about themselves to not care about things that don't matter.
Take back the control that you've given others. Defy them by not caring about what they do or say. Don't let them ruin your day or take up any extra moments in your life.
And remember, nothing makes a hater feel more stupid than hitting them with one of these:
Although people having piss poor judgement of character has been around for eons, I'd like to blame Facebook for the problems that most of us face with this issue today. I think people really begin to think that the people on their friend's lists are really and truly their friends.
This troubles me. I currently have 346 people on my friends list. While I know all of them, only 5 or 6 (maybe 7) are people who I call friend. I know that most people on Facebook are voyeurs. They really just want to see what you are talking about so that they can go back and talk about it with others. Now, this isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes you want to get the people going.
What bothers me is that these days people use the word "friend" too loosely.
A friend is NOT a person that uses your words against you. A friend is NOT someone who uses information that you unwittingly provided to aid in evil deeds or participate in the ruining of the lives of others. A friend doesn't "like" you and then talk about you behind your back. No ma'am. My friends at least have the decency to clown me to my face. This is why I love them.
While there are many things that I look for in a friend, in my opinion, the most important trait that a friend should have is that they know who they are. Just think about it. We all know of a person that hasn't quite found themselves yet. We see how they jump from social circle to social circle playing a role for each group. But we never can really tell which role that they play is the real them.
And this is about more than just a person networking. I totally understand that you have to wear certain masks when doing that. You don't want any potential employers or investors knowing that you are really a assclown or that you have a drinking and/or meth problem. Leave that for the people who love you and a special episode of Intervention.
A person who doesn't really know who they are is dangerous. People like this are prone to jealousy. And there's one thing that I know, a person should never feel that emotion towards a real friend. Why? Because whatever that person is doing should be reason for you to cheer or for you to get your shit together. But being envious of them should never enter your mind. A jealous friend does things like keep tabs on what you do at the club and then report back to your boo. A jealous friend promises to give you a ride to that interview for your dream job, but shows up too late for you to make it. A jealous friend watches every move you make and tells all of their other friends. There are never any secrets with a jealous friend.
Cuh-ray-zee!
People who haven't found themselves emulate you for all of the wrong reasons. Does anyone around here remember Single White Female? Nobody wants a person around that wants to be them! Well, at least I don't. One of me is more than enough. If I ever wake up and somebody is hovering over me watching me breathe or if I see one of my friends dressing like me, using my mannerisms, or something else that is totally weird and stalkerish we are going to have a long conversation. And by conversation I mean some elbow drops will probably occur. The conversation is going to end with a permanent sayonara. I don't have time to be filing EPOs and perfecting my Krav Maga skills just because you are a loon.
Anyway, I'm just saying all of this so that you can start paying attention to the people that you have around you. Everyone that says that they are your friend isn't. And you shouldn't be so quick to allow people into your life because they are friendly. I'm a firm believer in giving folks a grace period to figure out whether or not you want to be around them on a long term basis or not. Ask any of my friends, it probably took me 2-3 weeks before I said one word that had any real meaning to them. Why? Because I don't trust people (we've been over this before) and I was watching how they move.
Is my system foolproof? Nope. There have been a few that got past me. But trust and believe when I found them out, the situation was rectified.
What I don't have time for these days is pettiness, gossiping, or hating. My world is only open to grown folks who's schedules are too full for foolishness. Love, honesty, and support are what me and my friends are about. We don't tear folks down, we don't live to watch folks go down in flames, and we don't sell pipe dreams. All real life, all the time.
My group of friends is a reflection of who I am. My mother always said, "You are the company you keep." It took me many years to figure how true that is. But the circle I have around me now includes everyone that is supposed to be there. It's kind of amazing.
What about your friends? Does your crew show the world the kind of person that you are? Or do they bring you down?
I just realized something. A date that has been very significant to me in the past few years just passed, and I didn't realize it until about 15 minutes ago.
Forgetting a day on a calendar may not be a big deal to some, but this is a significant sign of healing and change for me. For years, I have dreaded seeing this date on the calendar. I would seriously cry and go into a deep depression on this day every single year. I can't begin to describe the amount of pain that this date has caused. But it's safe to say that on this day my life changed so drastically that I just knew in my heart that I would always remember it.
But this year I didn't. This year there were no tears. There was no fear. There was no feeling of dread or impending doom.
There was...nothing.
YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!! Copious amounts of Dougie's are being hit right now.
You cannot imagine how light and fluffy I feel right now!! It is such an amazing feeling to know that an old wound has healed.
Anyway, I just thought I'd share this because I want you all to know that you can get past the worst thing that's ever happened to you. It may take a while, but if you are patient and resilient and commit to your recovery, one of these days you might not even remember why you are being so committed.
I went from wanting to crawl inside myself and hibernate from for the entire Fall and Winter seasons to enjoying the changes in the colors on the leaves and remembering why holidays like Thanksgiving should make me smile.
I've committed myself to my happiness. I'm no longer holding on to the things that hurt me or the things that remind me of troublesome times. I have so much more life to live, there's really no reason for me to be wasting the time that's been given to me by dwelling on things that I can't even control.
When I started this blog it was supposed to be a form of therapy for me. My plan was to come here and discuss whatever was on my heart and my mind. I haven't written often, but when I have I tried to write as honestly as I could. I can only write about my own personal experience. I only know about my happiest moments. I can only recall my heartache. I can only learn from my mistakes. When I started writing about these things I was fearful. I didn't know what people would think of me when they saw that I really do have a therapist. What would they say when they found out that I suffered from anxiety and depression?
The 30 Day Challenge that I recently completed was a great help to me. It made me use my brain in ways that I haven't used it in a very long time. But mostly, it made me open up about some things that have been going on in my life that I hadn't revealed to anyone. It provided a way for me to look at myself in a way that I never had before.
Publicly, I've always had copious amounts of self-esteem, but I never really viewed myself as a particularly strong person. In fact, because of some of the decisions that I've made, I saw myself as pretty weak. But completing that challenge showed me some things about myself that I hadn't realized before.
I'm a survivor. I've been through a LOT and I have a lot to say. My voice is important. My words have power. I am much stronger than I ever realized. And even if my message goes no further than this little blog, the fact that I'm even saying these things "out loud" really does make a difference.
It's taken me quite a while to realize this. However, over the past few weeks I've received emails, texts, and inbox messages from readers telling me that they see something beautiful in the way that I write. They say that something I said helped them figure out a problem that they were having. I've been told that people can see themselves in the things that I write. This is amazing to me. Because although helping others was not my intent, I'm proud that my mess has some kind of positive effect on someone.
Ain't it purrty?
I never imagined that I would get so much support and honest input and reactions from people when I started this blog. But I'm happy that it's turned out this way. I don't propose to know all the answers. In fact, I certain I don't know the answer to most. But this blog isn't about having answers anyway. I'm just writing about my life as I live it. And even though I usually end up in tears when I'm writing, I gain confidence with every keystroke.
It took longer than it should have, but I'm seeing the purple in this situation. I think it's quite beautiful.
I have to have a medical procedure next week so I'm buying books to get me through my recovery. I decided to order a book called "Passing Strange". It's the story of a white man who passed for black in order to be with the woman he loved. It didn't download. So, I had to call customer service. I usually hate customer service because I have piss poor patience, but Amazon usually doesn't give me problems so I went ahead. I spoke with a guy named Carl.
Carl had a lovely Southern accent. While listening to him I imagined him leaning back in his chair, with his cowboy hat tipped forward and his boot covered feet propped up on his desk.
Anyway, as he's helping me, we have the following conversation:
Carl: I've actually read about the man that this book is about. It was years ago when I was still in the military.
Me: Oh really? I'm looking forward to reading this one. I heard it was a really good read.
Carl: Yeah, I read it because my wife...well the women who should have been my wife.
Me: *thinking* Oh Jesus not an over sharer!! *out loud* Oh.
Carl: Her brothers told me that if she married me there would be one last white man walking the Earth. So...well, to keep peace in her life and me alive, we broke it off. She was the love of my life.
Me: *thinking* Now that's a story* *out loud* That's terrible!! I can't believe that happened, I would think her happiness would mean more than what they felt. I hate that, Carl. I really do.
[Pause] We should stop right here and reflect on the fact that I even engaged in conversation with Carl. The Good Lord is making changes in my life people. Recognize this please. [Play]
After my Kindle issue was rectified, I sat down for a while and reflected on my conversation with Carl. I thought about how people let other people make important decisions in their lives. I've never experienced anything like what Carl described, but I've certainly allowed people who were important to me lead me in directions that I probably wouldn't have gone if left to my own devices.
I think it's horrible that people allow themselves to be manipulated this way. I think that it's horrible that I've allowed it. And that I've done it to other people too. I've been so worried about how people would perceive certain things I've wanted to do, that I allowed the thoughts of others or what I thought others would think lead me to make decisions.
I'm certain that I've blocked a significant amount of blessings doing this. Since I've been on the path that I'm on right now, I've been more cognizant of this type of thing. Now instead of fearing what I'll look like or how people will think, I take more time to consider the feelings of the people actually involved in the situation.
Worrying about the judgement of others is one of the farthest things from my mind these days. I'm in a season in my life where I'm trying to catch as many blessings as I can get, from wherever I can get them. Listen, I've done some heinous shit in my lifetime. I'm trying to nullify any votes that St. Peter might have against me when I get to those gates y'all. I'm not going to let anybody keep me from that.
I suggest that you get on board and do the same.
Stop looking for approval from other people for the decisions that you make. Be proud and stand by what you've done. Stop looking for others to make important decisions for you. Nobody can live your life better than you. Of course you'll make mistakes, but at least they will be your own.
Love who you want. Think how you want. Be who you want to be.
Stop letting other people help you build fences. You just may be keeping the one person or experience away that could change your life forever. That's a hell of a chance to take.
I could tell you that I'm the girl that ate way too much for lunch today and now I feel like puking.
I could say that I'm the girl that is scared to lose weight because I don't want a flat ass.
Or I could say that I'm the girl that feels like dropping some rapid fire eff bombs just for shits and gigs right now.
All of those would be true. All of those would answer the question. But I know that's not what you want. You want me to get all deep and in my feelings. Well, after 30 days of doing this I can honestly say that I'm way more comfortable doing that now that I was when I first began this challenge. But I'm not going to play the therapy game today. I'm just going to tell the truth.
I'm a grown ass woman who is independent and self-assured. I love to laugh, but I'm not scared to cry. Even though my face doesn't always show it, my heart is filled with joy, love, and laughter. I am a formidable enemy. I'm an even better friend.
I have unusual quirks, but I think that makes me perfectly normal. I'm the coolest nerd you know. I'm probably also the thuggiest thug you know. I'm full of random information that I don't mind sharing. But I'll probably never share it with you if I don't know who you are. I great with faces, horrible with names. The words "vintage Gucci handbag for sale" makes my synapses sizzle. Goodwill is one of my favorite stores.
I've been broken down to the deepest depths of depression. And I survived myself.
I'm shy. I'm honest. I'm real.
So with all of that said, my answer to the question is this: I'm Tee. And I'm pretty damn proud to be me.
How many people do I invite? Should I consider seating arrangements? Should I have ice breakers so that the dead people can get acclimated to the living, and vice versa? Will there be a cocktail hour or do we just do a free for all at a buffet? I know for damn sure I wouldn't cook for all of these people.
Should the location be intimate? Or should it be open, just in case there are fisticuffs? If folks do start laying hands on each other, do I let them fight? You know...for the sake of history? Is the dress code black tie or Ones and tees? Is entertainment necessary? I mean my entertainment is going to be the people watching, but do I have to consider the boredom of others?
If I invite a deceased terrorist, should I also invite law enforcement to balance things out? Should there also be at least one or two MD's in the building? Or at least a nurse practitioner? Should there be a photographer to capture all the greatness? Or will we treat this like a meeting of the New World Order?
So many questions!! But anyway, here's my guest list:
Guest List for the Greatest Party Ever - Or at Least the One with the Highest Odds for Ratchetness
Adolf Hitler - I know, I know. But...I have questions. Lots and lots and LOTS of questions.
Malcolm X - I need to ask him how he feels about 21st century black people.
Martin Luther King, Jr. - I want to ask him if he feels like he wasted his time.
Michael Joseph Jackson - We are going to do P.Y.T. on the karaoke machine.
Ali! Boombaye!!
Muhammad Ali circa 1974 - The Rumble in the Jungle was AMAZING! Personally, I just want to hear the man talk shit.
Mary Minor - My great (emphasis on the great please) grandmother. The love of my life. I just want to see her again. And listen to her cuss.
Samuel L. Jackson - We'll share creative ways to use my favorite word: motherfucker.
Dave Chappelle - We'll swap people watching notes.
John Stewart - I'm hoping this party will become a segment on his show.
Barack Obama - Because every party needs a certain amount of cool.
Michelle Obama - Because I invited her husband and I don't want to get cut.
Bill Clinton - Willie C. is everything. Recognize this.
Hillary Clinton - See my reason for inviting FLOTUS.
El DeBarge - I want him to sing my name in that glorious falsetto. And then we'll hug it out.
Suri Cruise - She's a friend in my head. Check out Suri's Burn Book for all of the reasons why.
The Kid - Because he won't let me party without him.
Florence Griffith Joyner - I need to do a weave check. And ask her if she juiced.
Jay-Z - I want to hear him laugh. And also start a cypher. I'm certain Malcolm X has BARS! We'll find out.
Beyonce' - See my reasons for FLOTUS and Hillary Clinton.
Rick Ross - I'll make sure to have a trough full of KFC and anti-epileptic meds.
Brian Williams - SWOOOOOOON
All of Hubby's ex-girlfriends - We need servers and places to rest our feet. Right?
Olivia Pope - My date for the night.
Huck - We have to talk. I hope he feels comfy enough with me to give me some answers.
Aaron Hotchner (and the BAU) - I want them to interrogate/profile EVERYONE. All Unsubs will be removed from the premises.
Christian Grey - He can sit in a corner and brood. I just want to stare at him anyway.
Shug Avery -We are kindred spirits, Shug and I. I want to remix Miss Celie's Blues.
Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis - Her style was impeccable. I want to see it in person.
John F. Kennedy - I want to watch him troll the room for ladies.
Tupac Shakur - He's the GOAT. He has to be in the cypher.
Christopher Wallace - Him and Ricky Rozay can compare bra sizes.
Written by one of the greatest rappers of all times!
Theodor Giesel (Dr. Seuss) - I know y'all lived for One Fish. Two Fish. Red Fish. Blue Fish. back in the day. You better believe his gonna have a round in the cypher too!!
Paula Deen - well somebody has to cook the food
Bobby Flay - He's helping Paula.
Christina Aguilera - Dirty on karaoke. Judge me.
Mariah Carey - We are going trade shade on Nicki Minaj, Kim Kardashian and a host of others.
Bill Maher - There will be enough black women around to make him happy.
Joe Biden - The original gangsta. He's in there for sure.
Jill Biden - Joey B.'s boo is always welcome.
Of course my family and friends are invited. No party is complete without having to deal with their special brand of foolishness. This would be a great time I think. Not that I would really participate. Y'all know I'm a social weirdo. I'd watch it all from a dark corner while taking notes to tell stories later.
If you had asked me this question about a year ago my answer would have been totally different. Today? I can honestly say that the things that I thought I would regret...I don't.
Everything I've done, I've done for a reason. Every mistake I've learned from. Sometimes it took me a few years to look back on things and figure stuff out, but I eventually put things together.
So right now. I have no regrets.
Nope. That's a lie. I can't do this to y'all.
I regret the Jheri Curl Years. Three greasy years of my life that I wish I could make disappear. I don't know what made me believe that foolishness was the move. But when I tell you I looked a moisturized mess? Please believe that. Yea, that's a regretful life decision right there.
I'm not going to pull a Fantasia and try to play myself. I have way too much pride to even fool myself into thinking I can do more than just tell the story. Some of these people I picked because they actually remind me of the people in my life, others I picked because of their body of work and the type of characters that they usually play. I'm not saying this would be a blockbuster. In fact, I'm certain it will be a straight to DVD affair. Unless of course I go against everything I believe in and put a bug in Tyler Perry's ear. Then maybe I'd get a play and then go straight to DVD.
Anyway here you go....
The Cast of Tee's Life Story
Adult Tee - Nia Long (really we can stop right here, none of the other actors matter)
Hubby - Idris Elba or Boris Kodjoe (this is a tough one for me)
The Kid - The Kid
Big Sis - Vanessa Williams (the one that played Keisha in New Jack City)
Lil Sis - Zoe Saldana
Lil Bro #1 - Andre' 3000 or Wood Harris (I'm leaning towards 3 Stacks)
Is this question asking about a particular time period in my life when the days were happiest? Or is it asking me to specifically name when the happiest moments in my life occurred? This is important. Well, at least it's important to me. I know it's a little anal (okay a LOT) but still, my mind won't rest until I know. Blame my 9-5 for this particular mental issue. I have to figure out word puzzles like this all day long.
Anyway, since it's obvious that I won't be able to get the answer to my questions any time soon, I guess I'll go with the option that I feel most comfortable with. I'll tell you some the happiest moments in my life as they occurred. A timeline if you will.
The Happiest Moments in Tee's Life - A Timeline
July 1978 - I was born. This is a happy moment for the universe. Citizens express their great joy by producing great displays of affection and honor through fireworks, parades, and backyard barbecues in my honor.
March 1984 - I won my first spelling bee. This is a big deal for me. Words will always be important in my life.
April 2000 - I became a member of Alllllpha Kappa Allllllpha Sorority, INcorporated! I'm an AKA people, really no additional explanation is needed.
August 2001 - I's married now!! Rain, tears, and terrible 4 years olds couldn't stop it.
January 2004 - And baby makes 3.
August 2008 - Life changing job offer.
September 2008 - I discover that I am within 2 hours drive of several outstanding outlet malls. Kate Spade, Coach, Nordstrom Rack, Off 5th. My life is complete.
August 2010 - I shave my head. This was a rebirth of sorts for me. Big effin deal. Trust.
March 2011 - LASIK surgery rids me of the need for horrible face pinching spectacles.
March 2012 - I bought my first car!! This is the first car I've ever had. It's the first one that I had that wasn't gifted to me. Bought and paid with my own money. Big effin deal. Trust.
July 2012 - Laser hair removal treatments begin. My quest to be hair free is real. You will never understand how much this decision has made my soul sing.
To be continued...
I'm certain there will be plenty of other moments that make me immensely happy. I look forward to experiencing them all.
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