Monday, December 31, 2012

Promises + Lessons + Decisions = New Beginnings


Today is the last day of 2012.

The 364 days before this one have been full of all kinds of lessons for me. As I sit here writing, I know that I am light years away from where I was on January 1. I've laughed, loved, and lived a lot harder than I have in years. I feel like I look different. Like I walk taller. Like I'm 20 pounds lighter. Even my thoughts are not the same as they used to be. This year, I decided follow my homegirl Erykah Badu's advice and stop being a bag lady

Life is far too short to sweat the small things. And it's really way too short to spend a lot of extra time on the big things. Everything is not as important as I want it to be. Learning how to prioritize my issues has been valuable. Now I don't go off the deep end for every little thing.

It's so easy to act a certain way when you feel like you are the only person that is feeling those feelings. But I've learned that thinking that way is wrong. One of my favorite bible verses is, "What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun." (Ecclesiastes 1:9 NIV) These words have made a huge impact on the way that I live my life now. The way that I interpret them gives me comfort. There are people who have survived the same things that I have. There are people who have survived worse.

These days I find it quite selfish of me to want to whine about my horrible coworkers or my relationship problems when there are people who are literally fighting for their lives. I think I am doing a disservice to humanity to be pissed off for days because I didn't like the way somebody talked to me or because of the way I perceived a person to treat me. It's shameful to want to stay angry and be hateful, just because. 

I've decided that my happiness will not be tied to other people. My goals should not be set based on what other people are doing. I dictate the amount of joy that enters my life. 

There are so many things that I am supposed to do before I leave this Earth. I will never get them done if I keep dragging all the baggage with me. That mess is an anchor. It keeps you grounded when you are supposed to fly. 

2012 was the year for me to find my wings. In 2013, I'm going to soar.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Holiday Blessings

I know it's been a few weeks since I posted anything. I've been a little busy lately, so please forgive me. All these distractions have been good for me. This season hasn't taken a toll on me emotionally like it usually does. That's a very good thing. 

A few months ago I started a little side hustle. I've been editing and proofreading manuscripts for independent authors. I haven't really had time to post anything over here because I've been busy helping people bring their dreams of being a published author to fruition. That's pretty damn dope. 

There are lots of folks out there that are writing. I've met some pretty talented and interesting people. It's all pretty cool for a book nerd like me. I'm actually making a little money doing something that I enjoy. 

In addition to that, I've been given the opportunity to write a weekly column/blog for a new website called I Won't Settle. The site is dedicated to committing yourself to wait on (or engage in) a healthy relationship, instead of settling for whatever comes your way. My column will be called "Truth Be Told..." You may see some entries that I've posted on here, likely my faves that I felt needed to shared. Mostly, it's going to be my insights on love, marriage, and relationships in general. I'll be as honest as possible and share my experiences and hopefully help some folks out. I'll have to keep my cussing to a minimum over there, but I made a resolution about a decade ago to slow that down anyway. ;-)

So yeah, I've been having a pretty good Winter. No time to dwell on hurt and ghosts from the past, when my present is so full of blessings! 

Happy dance time....











Sunday, December 2, 2012

Insomniac Thoughts

See that face? That's how I feel...but cuter. 
It's currently 4:42 in the am and I've been up since 12. This may not be a big deal for some, but this is pretty major for me.  You see, I NEED the 8 hours of good sleep that has been constitutionally (see the 34th Amendment where REM is discussed) allotted to me. NEED.

If I don't get my full 8 hours I'm not nice.  Ask anybody that knows me.  Lack of sleep brings the bitch out of me in the most major way.  I won't even pretend that I like you if I'm sleepy.  I'll chop you down and keep walking without a single fuck being given.

I NEED my 8 hours.  In case you didn't catch it before.

I'm usually in bed by 8:30.  Except on Sundays, Wednesdays and Thursdays.  On these days I stay up past my curfew so that I can enjoy Once Upon a Time, Criminal Minds, and Scandal.  I make sure to take a nap on those days though, so my body will still be rested.  I know you are judging me right now because I keep elementary student hours and engage in Kindergarten practices, but check this out: I don't care.  You can call me what you want, but make sure you call me refreshed.

This is why I'm so vexed about not being able to sleep:  it's making my face look like I'm one of you normal people.  We can't have that.  I take pride in being wrinkle, crack, facial hair, and bag free.  This sleep thing is trying to end me and I have no idea what to do about it.

I mentioned earlier that lack of sleep makes me mean.  Well, it also makes my mind wander to the strangest places.  For instance, about 15 minutes ago, I looked at my Twitter profile picture and legit said the following words (out loud mind you): "I got a neck like Kimora Lee Simmons!" Really? Only a sleep-deprived deviant would say such things about themselves.  But I couldn't stop myself.  And now, I'm sitting here wondering why it took me 34 years to notice these neck rolls I have and contemplating ways to destroy them.  Chin ups? Neck flexes? Neck-o-suction?

I'm pretty sure you're curious about the other weird shit I think about on nights like this? OK, I'll tell you:

  • My babies with Willie Geist would be AMAZING. UH-MAZE-ING!
  • I wonder if Usher knows he's a gnome?
  • Ellen would so be my BFF if she just got to know me!
  • Why didn't God grant me my second growth spurt? 
  • The next person to touch my hair is going to get choke slammed.
  • Hold up...I think that's premeditated assault or something...never mind...
And that's just the past 15 minutes or so.  Imagine having to deal with that for extra hours of awake time! I'm driving myself bonkers!

I'm not sure what's causing this insomnia, but I wish it would go the hell away.  I can't be my usual perky, chipper, up with the people self because of this.  I'm getting complaints from management and employees (read my husband and my son) about my behavior being more odd than normal.

I have to figure something out to fix this.  No drugs though.  My last experience with Ambien was like a Jimi Hendrix trip to Woodstock.  No bueno.  Also, I've heard about people doing foolish shit like sleep eating  and sleep driving on that stuff.  I'm trying not to be a fat girl with inexplicable parking tickets! 

Ugh.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

I'm Not "Right"...But It's OK

Last week my book club discussed a book called "The Secret That She Kept".  The main character of the book was a successful Black lawyer who suffered from bipolar disorder.  I enjoyed this book, not only because it was well written, but because the topic hit pretty close to home for me.

After our discussion I decided to write about my struggles with anxiety and depression. Then I got scared and changed my mind.  This is not a subject that I'm completely comfortable talking about with others.  I was always taught to keep "family business in the family" and to "keep some secrets for ya'self" so I figured my fear was the atmosphere's way of telling me to shut the hell up.  But, talking about this has been on my heart and mind for a while now, so I've decided to put my fear aside and have a conversation with you all (although one-sided). If you don't mind.

Several years ago, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder.  Hindsight being 20/20, I now know that I've dealt with both (especially anxiety) for most of my life.  However, the way that my illnesses manifest led me to believe that it was just my personality.  I just thought it was how I was.

Getting a diagnosis didn't change anything though.  I didn't receive any treatment.  I acted like it never happened.  To me, accepting my diagnosis meant that I would be green lighting folks to call me crazy.  And while people have been calling me crazy for years, I didn't want that to be due to a legitimate mental illness.  I knew I wasn't "quite right", but again, I thought it was just my personality.  I was in denial about it for a very long time.  And because I didn't feel bad all the time, denying what was really going on was easy.  Denial kept me in a bad place for a very long time.

About four years ago, I decided that I had to get over myself and seek help.  I experienced an onslaught of life changing events that had me feeling like I was drowning in quicksand.  That's the only way I can describe my depression, quicksand.  When it gets bad, the more I move, the more I feel like I'm going under.    Anyway, all of these things made me feel like I was spinning out of control.  Because I am an anal retentive control freak who feels the need to be able to control EVERYTHING, being out of control made me feel like I was dying.  Not having control made me extremely sad and anxious, so my illnesses escalated.  I tried to work through these feelings on my own for a while.  I FINALLY realized that overcoming them would not be something I could do on my own. I needed help. So I sought out a therapist and talked about my issues with my family physician.

Doing that was the single best decision that I have ever made.  It literally saved my life.

So, I said all of that to say that I'm writing this post for the people who are out there who are feeling the heavy darkness of depression or the chest crushing pressure of anxiety. I understand. 

I have a mental illness.  My brain doesn't fire the same way that "normal" brains do.  I will never be 100%, at least not when I'm not on meds.  I'm not ashamed to share that I have to talk to someone to help me clear my head or that I have to take a pill (or two) to make sure my brain fires the way that it should. 

OK, full disclosure, I'm not ashamed anymore.  Remember I told you that I'm anal.  I like for things to go as planned.  Deviation from the plan causes problems for me.  Being diagnosed with a mental illness is a HUGE deviation.  I worked hard to be perceived as the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect student, the perfect girlfriend.  Depression and anxiety prevented me from completing my checklists for life.  I couldn't control my own feelings.  Because of that I was ashamed.  Shame led to denial.  For years I denied my illness and kept the fact that I even had a diagnosis to myself.  I didn't tell anyone.  More than anything, I didn't want people to look at me differently.  I didn't want to be judged, coddled, avoided, or called crazy (people still call me crazy, but for different reasons that I'm completely comfy with).  Shame is also part of the reason why it took me so long to seek treatment.  

I'm pretty sure some of you are wondering why I'm even saying anything now.  I know for sure that someone is thinking that I'm sharing too much.  I'm honestly not completely sure.  I just wanted to talk about it.  I felt like if I was going to live my life honestly, I had to be honest with myself and with others about the things that I struggle with on a daily basis.  Depression and anxiety happen to be a couple of those things.

Years of prayer and therapy have gotten me to a place where I can freely talk about my issues without fear of what other people think about me.  I know now that I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.  I'm not alone.  Knowing that I don't have to deal with this on my own brings me comfort.  So I guess I'm trying to bring comfort to someone out there that is feeling like they are all alone with their struggle. 

You are NOT alone.  Don't let the dark, murky feelings, scary feeling that you may be feeling overwhelm you.  Don't make any rash decisions because you are feeling low.  Don't let your fears keep you from doing things that will likely bring you joy. Don't let these things make you feel like you have no hope.  Some solutions are permanent, those are not the right decisions to make. 

Remember that. 

Understand that mental illness has no specific demographic.  All mentally ill people are not poor or homeless and walking the streets talking to themselves.  Mental illness can be an urban raised, suburban living, college educated, black sorority girl with high blood pressure and a fetish for vintage handbags.

It can affect anyone.

And anyone can recover.  Although it's a life changer, it doesn't have to change your life for the worst.  Seek help.  Find a therapist or clergyman that can help you.  Talk to you physician and see if medications could help.  Exercise, journal, blog...do something that will help you relax and bring you some joy.

A diagnosis of a mental illness is not a great thing.  I'll be honest about that.  If I had my choice, I definitely wouldn't choose to deal with the struggles of depression and anxiety.  But, that's not the path that God has laid out for my life.  I've come to the realization that it's not something that can be ignored.  It won't go away on it's own.  I'm in this fight for what might be forever.  And I've decided as long as I fight this battle in a healthy way I will be okay.  I hope that someone reading this comes to that realization too.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Enough IS Enough

Amen.

I saw this posted on PostSecret this morning. It really struck a chord with me. The idea of knowing that I am "enough" is a constant struggle for me. After seeing this secret, I immediately knew that I should write about it, but I couldn't really find the words.

It has taken me almost 14 hours to come up with the following paragraphs...

Like many females, I have struggled with maintaining my self-esteem. I have been in situations that led me to compare myself to other people. I questioned why my skin wasn't the right color. Why my hair isn't straight enough. Why my legs aren't long enough. I wondered what made other women more desirable or likable than me. I have looked to men to validate me. I have looked for permission from others to accept myself (or who I thought I was) .

Over the years, I have accepted and allowed a lot of things for no other reason than because I thought I deserved it. I thought that because I didn't measure up, what I was getting was the perfect portion for me. Only recently have I realized that I haven't been getting my fair share. That I deserve so much MORE. But I've also realized that I will never get more until I accept the fact that I that there is room inside me for what's in store.

So every day, beginning as soon as I open my eyes, I start saying positive affirmations like the one on PostSecret. Slowly, but surely, I am beginning to believe the words that I say. I'm not completely there yet. And honestly, I don't know if I will ever be 100%, but my goal is to get as close to that as I can.

I have the power. I have to believe that. I may never be the tallest, skinniest, or even the prettiest girl in the room. But I will always be the best me that I can be.

And that is more than enough.


Saturday, October 27, 2012

Indifference


The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference... - Elie Wiesel
IDC
Indifference. It's certainly an odd emotion. In layman's terms indifference is pretty much the point when you just don't give a shit. Just about anything that is remotely associated with whatever it is that you previously cared about you give approximately 0 damns about now.

What's odd is that it usually surprises you. You don't know that you don't care until you realize that instead of blowing your top, you're shrugging your shoulders, taking a sip of tea, and giving a big ole blank stare.

I know you've experienced it.

The point where instead of losing your mind when you find out your boo is doing things they shouldn't, you just shake you head and bid them adieu. No tears because you are hurt, just tears because you can't believe you wasted so much time dealing with a person like that.

That project at work that was sooooo important that you were losing sleep. But people keep undermining your ideas and management keeps making asinine decisions so it's affecting your productivity. Instead of flipping tables in meetings, you just let them have their way and don't even smirk at their failures.


Most people would say that this is not a good emotion. They would say that a person that just doesn't care or doesn't feel any emotion about things isn't really taking advantage of the human experience. I disagree. I think that indifference is an essential emotion. It is as important as happiness, sadness, and anger. Some things are not worth wasting heartfelt emotions like hate (although, I don't believe in hate...just extreme dislike) on. Some people aren't worth dedicating important moments of your life to.

I choose to assign happiness to things that really and truly matter. I choose to assign anger and sadness to those things too. Indifference is the black hole where all the unimportant crap dwells. They are assigned side-eyes, blank stares, and head shakes. Because honestly, most of those things are really even important enough for words.

Honestly, indifference is my goal for a lot of things. This doesn't mean that I want to live my life without feeling happiness, sadness, or anger. I'm not apathetic. What it means, to me at least, is that I don't want to dwell on tomfoolery and shenanigans that other people can bring into my life. I've found that most of the things that make me sad or angry are because of other people's decisions.

Indifference is about taking the control that those people have over you away. It's not apathy by any means. An apathetic person doesn't care about anything. A person who is indifferent about some things cares enough about themselves to not care about things that don't matter.

Take back the control that you've given others. Defy them by not caring about what they do or say. Don't let them ruin your day or take up any extra moments in your life.

And remember, nothing makes a hater feel more stupid than hitting them with one of these:













Sunday, October 21, 2012

What About Your Friends?

Although people having piss poor judgement of character has been around for eons, I'd like to blame Facebook for the problems that most of us face with this issue today. I think people really begin to think that the people on their friend's lists are really and truly their friends.

This troubles me. I currently have 346 people on my friends list. While I know all of them, only 5 or 6 (maybe 7) are people who I call friend. I know that most people on Facebook are voyeurs. They really just want to see what you are talking about so that they can go back and talk about it with others. Now, this isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes you want to get the people going.

What bothers me is that these days people use the word "friend" too loosely.

A friend is NOT a person that uses your words against you. A friend is NOT someone who uses information that you unwittingly provided to aid in evil deeds or participate in the ruining of the lives of others. A friend doesn't "like" you and then talk about you behind your back. No ma'am. My friends at least have the decency to clown me to my face. This is why I love them.

While there are many things that I look for in a friend, in my opinion, the most important trait that a friend should have is that they know who they are. Just think about it. We all know of a person that hasn't quite found themselves yet. We see how they jump from social circle to social circle playing a role for each group. But we never can really tell which role that they play is the real them.

And this is about more than just a person networking. I totally understand that you have to wear certain masks when doing that. You don't want any potential employers or investors knowing that you are really a assclown or that you have a drinking and/or meth problem. Leave that for the people who love you and a special episode of Intervention.

A person who doesn't really know who they are is dangerous.  People like this are prone to jealousy.  And there's one thing that I know, a person should never feel that emotion towards a real friend. Why? Because whatever that person is doing should be reason for you to cheer or for you to get your shit together. But being envious of them should never enter your mind. A jealous friend does things like keep tabs on what you do at the club and then report back to your boo. A jealous friend promises to give you a ride to that interview for your dream job, but shows up too late for you to make it.  A jealous friend watches every move you make and tells all of their other friends. There are never any secrets with a jealous friend.

Cuh-ray-zee!
People who haven't found themselves emulate you for all of the wrong reasons. Does anyone around here remember Single White Female? Nobody wants a person around that wants to be them! Well, at least I don't. One of me is more than enough. If I ever wake up and somebody is hovering over me watching me breathe or if I see one of my friends dressing like me, using my mannerisms, or something else that is totally weird and stalkerish we are going to have a long conversation. And by conversation I mean some elbow drops will probably occur. The conversation is going to end with a permanent sayonara. I don't have time to be filing EPOs and perfecting my Krav Maga skills just because you are a loon.

Anyway, I'm just saying all of this so that you can start paying attention to the people that you have around you. Everyone that says that they are your friend isn't. And you shouldn't be so quick to allow people into your life because they are friendly. I'm a firm believer in giving folks a grace period to figure out whether or not you want to be around them on a long term basis or not. Ask any of my friends, it probably took me 2-3 weeks before I said one word that had any real meaning to them. Why? Because I don't trust people (we've been over this before) and I was watching how they move.

Is my system foolproof? Nope. There have been a few that got past me. But trust and believe when I found them out, the situation was rectified.

What I don't have time for these days is pettiness, gossiping, or hating. My world is only open to grown folks who's schedules are too full for foolishness. Love, honesty, and support are what me and my friends are about. We don't tear folks down, we don't live to watch folks go down in flames, and we don't sell pipe dreams. All real life, all the time.

My group of friends is a reflection of who I am. My mother always said, "You are the company you keep." It took me many years to figure how true that is. But the circle I have around me now includes everyone that is supposed to be there. It's kind of amazing.

What about your friends? Does your crew show the world the kind of person that you are? Or do they bring you down?




Wednesday, October 17, 2012

It's My Antiversary...I Think...

I just realized something.  A date that has been very significant to me in the past few years just passed, and I didn't realize it until about 15 minutes ago.

Forgetting a day on a calendar may not be a big deal to some, but this is a significant sign of healing and change for me.  For years, I have dreaded seeing this date on the calendar.  I would seriously cry and go into a deep depression on this day every single year.  I can't begin to describe the amount of pain that this date has caused.  But it's safe to say that on this day my life changed so drastically that I just knew in my heart that I would always remember it.

But this year I didn't.  This year there were no tears.  There was no fear.  There was no feeling of dread or impending doom.

There was...nothing.

YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!! Copious amounts of Dougie's are being hit right now.

You cannot imagine how light and fluffy I feel right now!! It is such an amazing feeling to know that an old wound has healed.

Anyway, I just thought I'd share this because I want you all to know that you can get past the worst thing that's ever happened to you.  It may take a while, but if you are patient and resilient and commit to your recovery, one of these days you might not even remember why you are being so committed.

I went from wanting to crawl inside myself and hibernate from for the entire Fall and Winter seasons to enjoying the changes in the colors on the leaves and remembering why holidays like Thanksgiving should make me smile.

I've committed myself to my happiness.  I'm no longer holding on to the things that hurt me or the things that remind me of troublesome times.  I have so much more life to live, there's really no reason for me to be wasting the time that's been given to me by dwelling on things that I can't even control.

Trouble don't last always.

Picture me rollin'.






Friday, October 12, 2012

Revelations

When I started this blog it was supposed to be a form of therapy for me. My plan was to come here and discuss whatever was on my heart and my mind. I haven't written often, but when I have I tried to write as honestly as I could.  I can only write about my own personal experience. I only know about my happiest moments.  I can only recall my heartache. I can only learn from my mistakes. When I started writing about these things I was fearful.  I didn't know what people would think of me when they saw that I really do have a therapist. What would they say when they found out that I suffered from anxiety and depression?

The 30 Day Challenge that I recently completed was a great help to me. It made me use my brain in ways that I haven't used it in a very long time. But mostly, it made me open up about some things that have been going on in my life that I hadn't revealed to anyone.  It provided a way for me to look at myself in a way that I never had before.

Publicly, I've always had copious amounts of self-esteem, but I never really viewed myself as a particularly strong person.  In fact, because of some of the decisions that I've made, I saw myself as pretty weak. But completing that challenge showed me some things about myself that I hadn't realized before.

I'm a survivor. I've been through a LOT and I have a lot to say. My voice is important. My words have power. I am much stronger than I ever realized. And even if my message goes no further than this little blog, the fact that I'm even saying these things "out loud" really does make a difference.

It's taken me quite a while to realize this. However, over the past few weeks I've received emails, texts, and inbox messages from readers telling me that they see something beautiful in the way that I write. They say that something I said helped them figure out a problem that they were having. I've been told that people can see themselves in the things that I write. This is amazing to me. Because although helping others was not my intent, I'm proud that my mess has some kind of positive effect on someone.

Ain't it purrty?
I never imagined that I would get so much support and honest input and reactions from people when I started this blog. But I'm happy that it's turned out this way. I don't propose to know all the answers. In fact, I certain I don't know the answer to most. But this blog isn't about having answers anyway. I'm just writing about my life as I live it. And even though I usually end up in tears when I'm writing, I gain confidence with every keystroke. 

It took longer than it should have, but I'm seeing the purple in this situation. I think it's quite beautiful. 

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Blocking Blessings

I have to have a medical procedure next week so I'm  buying books to get me through my recovery. I decided to order a book called "Passing Strange".  It's the story of a white man who passed for black in order to be with the woman he loved. It didn't download. So, I had to call customer service. I usually hate customer service because I have piss poor patience, but Amazon usually doesn't give me problems so I went ahead. I spoke with a guy named Carl.

Carl had a lovely Southern accent. While listening to him I imagined him leaning back in his chair, with his cowboy hat tipped forward and his boot covered feet propped up on his desk.

Anyway, as he's helping me, we have the following conversation:

Carl: I've actually read about the man that this book is about. It was years ago when I was still in the military.
Me: Oh really? I'm looking forward to reading this one. I heard it was a really good read.
Carl: Yeah, I read it because my wife...well the women who should have been my wife.
Me: *thinking* Oh Jesus not an over sharer!! *out loud* Oh.
Carl: Her brothers told me that if she married me there would be one last white man walking the Earth. So...well, to keep peace in her life and me alive, we broke it off.  She was the love of my life.
Me: *thinking* Now that's a story* *out loud* That's terrible!! I can't believe that happened, I would think her happiness would mean more than what they felt. I hate that, Carl. I really do.

[Pause] We should stop right here and reflect on the fact that I even engaged in conversation with Carl. The Good Lord is making changes in my life people. Recognize this please. [Play]

After my Kindle issue was rectified, I sat down for a while and reflected on my conversation with Carl.  I thought about how people let other people make important decisions in their lives. I've never experienced anything like what Carl described, but I've certainly allowed people who were important to me lead me in directions that I probably wouldn't have gone if left to my own devices.

I think it's horrible that people allow themselves to be manipulated this way. I think that it's horrible that I've allowed it. And that I've done it to other people too. I've been so worried about how people would perceive certain things I've wanted to do, that I allowed the thoughts of others or what I thought others would think lead me to make decisions.

I'm certain that I've blocked a significant amount of blessings doing this. Since I've been on the path that I'm on right now, I've been more cognizant of this type of thing. Now instead of fearing what I'll look like or how people will think, I take more time to consider the feelings of the people actually involved in the situation.

Worrying about the judgement of others is one of the farthest things from my mind these days. I'm in a season in my life where I'm trying to catch as many blessings as I can get, from wherever I can get them. Listen, I've done some heinous shit in my lifetime. I'm trying to nullify any votes that St. Peter might have against me when I get to those gates y'all. I'm not going to let anybody keep me from that.

I suggest that you get on board and do the same.

Stop looking for approval from other people for the decisions that you make. Be proud and stand by what you've done. Stop looking for others to make important decisions for you. Nobody can live your life better than you. Of course you'll make mistakes, but at least they will be your own.

Love who you want. Think how you want. Be who you want to be.

Stop letting other people help you build fences. You just may be keeping the one person or experience away that could change your life forever. That's a hell of a chance to take.


Friday, October 5, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge - Day 30: Who are you?

Well, that's a loaded question.

I could tell you that I'm the girl that ate way too much for lunch today and now I feel like puking. 

I could say that I'm the girl that is scared to lose weight because I don't want a flat ass.

Or I could say that I'm the girl that feels like dropping some rapid fire eff bombs just for shits and gigs right now.

All of those would be true. All of those would answer the question. But I know that's not what you want. You want me to get all deep and in my feelings. Well, after 30 days of doing this I can honestly say that I'm way more comfortable doing that now that I was when I first began this challenge. But I'm not going to play the therapy game today. I'm just going to tell the truth. 

I'm a grown ass woman who is independent and self-assured. I love to laugh, but I'm not scared to cry. Even though my face doesn't always show it, my heart is filled with joy, love, and laughter. I am a formidable enemy. I'm an even better friend. 

I have unusual quirks, but I think that makes me perfectly normal. I'm the coolest nerd you know. I'm probably also the thuggiest thug you know. I'm full of random information that I don't mind sharing. But I'll probably never share it with you if I don't know who you are. I great with faces, horrible with names. The words "vintage Gucci handbag for sale" makes my synapses sizzle. Goodwill is one of my favorite stores.

I've been broken down to the deepest depths of depression.  And I survived myself.

I'm shy. I'm honest. I'm real. 

So with all of that said, my answer to the question is this: I'm Tee. And I'm pretty damn proud to be me. 

PRIDE

Thursday, October 4, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 29 -Who would you invite to the perfect dinner party? (Dead, living, historical, famous, not famous...)

Now y'all know I'm no good with parties.

How many people do I invite? Should I consider seating arrangements? Should I have ice breakers so that the dead people can get acclimated to the living, and vice versa? Will there be a cocktail hour or do we just do a free for all at a buffet? I know for damn sure I wouldn't cook for all of these people.

Should the location be intimate? Or should it be open, just in case there are fisticuffs? If folks do start laying hands on each other, do I let them fight? You know...for the sake of history? Is the dress code black tie or Ones and tees? Is entertainment necessary? I mean my entertainment is going to be the people watching, but do I have to consider the boredom of others?

If I invite a deceased terrorist, should I also invite law enforcement to balance things out? Should there also be at least one or two MD's in the building? Or at least a nurse practitioner? Should there be a photographer to capture all the greatness? Or will we treat this like a meeting of the New World Order?

So many questions!! But anyway, here's my guest list:

Guest List for the Greatest Party Ever - Or at Least the One with the Highest Odds for Ratchetness

Adolf Hitler - I know, I know. But...I have questions. Lots and lots and LOTS of questions.
Malcolm X - I need to ask him how he feels about 21st century black people.
Martin Luther King, Jr. - I want to ask him if he feels like he wasted his time.
Michael Joseph Jackson - We are going to do P.Y.T. on the karaoke machine.
Ali! Boombaye!!
Muhammad Ali circa 1974 - The Rumble in the Jungle was AMAZING! Personally, I just want to hear the man talk shit.
Mary Minor - My great (emphasis on the great please) grandmother. The love of my life. I just want to see her again. And listen to her cuss.
Samuel L. Jackson - We'll share creative ways to use my favorite word: motherfucker.
Dave Chappelle - We'll swap people watching notes.
John Stewart - I'm hoping this party will become a segment on his show.
Barack Obama - Because every party needs a certain amount of cool.
Michelle Obama - Because I invited her husband and I don't want to get cut.
Bill Clinton - Willie C. is everything. Recognize this.
Hillary Clinton - See my reason for inviting FLOTUS.
El DeBarge - I want him to sing my name in that glorious falsetto. And then we'll hug it out.
Suri Cruise - She's a friend in my head. Check out Suri's Burn Book for all of the reasons why.
The Kid - Because he won't let me party without him.
Florence Griffith Joyner - I need to do a weave check. And ask her if she juiced.
Jay-Z - I want to hear him laugh. And also start a cypher. I'm certain Malcolm X has BARS! We'll find out.
Beyonce' - See my reasons for FLOTUS and Hillary Clinton.
Rick Ross - I'll make sure to have a trough full of KFC and anti-epileptic meds.
Brian Williams - SWOOOOOOON
All of Hubby's ex-girlfriends - We need servers and places to rest our feet. Right?
Olivia Pope - My date for the night.
Huck - We have to talk. I hope he feels comfy enough with me to give me some answers.
Aaron Hotchner (and the BAU) - I want them to interrogate/profile EVERYONE. All Unsubs will be removed from the premises.
Christian Grey - He can sit in a corner and brood.  I just want to stare at him anyway.
Shug Avery -We are kindred spirits, Shug and I. I want to remix Miss Celie's Blues.
Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis - Her style was impeccable.  I want to see it in person.
John F. Kennedy - I want to watch him troll the room for ladies.
Tupac Shakur - He's the GOAT. He has to be in the cypher.
Christopher Wallace - Him and Ricky Rozay can compare bra sizes.

Written by one of the greatest rappers of all times!
Theodor Giesel (Dr. Seuss) - I know y'all lived for One Fish. Two Fish. Red Fish. Blue Fish. back in the day. You better believe his gonna have a round in the cypher too!!
Paula Deen - well somebody has to cook the food
Bobby Flay - He's helping Paula.
Christina Aguilera - Dirty on karaoke. Judge me.
Mariah Carey - We are going trade shade on Nicki Minaj, Kim Kardashian and a host of others.
Bill Maher - There will be enough black women around to make him happy.
Joe Biden - The original gangsta. He's in there for sure.
Jill Biden - Joey B.'s boo is always welcome.

Of course my family and friends are invited. No party is complete without having to deal with their special brand of foolishness. This would be a great time I think. Not that I would really participate. Y'all know I'm a social weirdo. I'd watch it all from a dark corner while taking notes to tell stories later.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 28 - If you died tomorrow, what’s one thing you’d regret not doing?

If you had asked me this question about a year ago my answer would have been totally different.  Today? I can honestly say that the things that I thought I would regret...I don't.

Everything I've done, I've done for a reason. Every mistake I've learned from.  Sometimes it took me a few years to look back on things and figure stuff out, but I eventually put things together.

So right now.  I have no regrets.

Nope. That's a lie. I can't do this to y'all.

I regret the Jheri Curl Years. Three greasy years of my life that I wish I could make disappear. I don't know what made me believe that foolishness was the move.  But when I tell you I looked a moisturized mess? Please believe that. Yea, that's a regretful life decision right there.

OK. So that's my one regret. Have a nice day.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge - Day 27: If there was a movie about your life what actors would you cast and who would they play?

I'm not going to pull a Fantasia and try to play myself.  I have way too much pride to even fool myself into thinking I can do more than just tell the story.  Some of these people I picked because they actually remind me of the people in my life, others I picked because of their body of work and the type of characters that they usually play. I'm not saying this would be a blockbuster. In fact, I'm certain it will be a straight to DVD affair.  Unless of course I go against everything I believe in and put a bug in Tyler Perry's ear. Then maybe I'd get a play and then go straight to DVD.

Anyway here you go....

The Cast of Tee's Life Story

Adult Tee - Nia Long (really we can stop right here, none of the other actors matter)
Hubby - Idris Elba or Boris Kodjoe (this is a tough one for me)
The Kid - The Kid
Big Sis - Vanessa Williams (the one that played Keisha in New Jack City)
Lil Sis -  Zoe Saldana
Lil Bro #1 - Andre' 3000 or Wood Harris (I'm leaning towards 3 Stacks)
Lil Bro #2 - Maestro Harrell
Mama : Jennifer Lewis 
Daddy: Don Cheadle
Mama in Law: Octavia Spencer
BFF #1: Tika Sumpter
BFF #2: Jeffrey Wright or Taye Diggs
1st Boyfriend: Leon
1st BFF: Gabrielle Union



Monday, October 1, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 26 - When were the happiest days in your life?

Is this question asking about a particular time period in my life when the days were happiest? Or is it asking me to specifically name when the happiest moments in my life occurred? This is important. Well, at least it's important to me. I know it's a little anal (okay a LOT) but still, my mind won't rest until I know. Blame my 9-5 for this particular mental issue. I have to figure out word puzzles like this all day long.

Anyway, since it's obvious that I won't be able to get the answer to my questions any time soon, I guess I'll go with the option that I feel most comfortable with. I'll tell you some the happiest moments in my life as they occurred.  A timeline if you will.

The Happiest Moments in Tee's Life - A Timeline 

July 1978 - I was born. This is a happy moment for the universe. Citizens express their great joy by producing great displays of affection and honor through fireworks, parades, and backyard barbecues in my honor. 

March 1984 - I won my first spelling bee. This is a big deal for me. Words will always be important in my life.

April 2000 - I became a member of Alllllpha Kappa Allllllpha Sorority, INcorporated! I'm an AKA people, really no additional explanation is needed.

August 2001 - I's married now!! Rain, tears, and terrible 4 years olds couldn't stop it.

January 2004 - And baby makes 3.

August 2008 - Life changing job offer.

September 2008 - I discover that I am within 2 hours drive of several outstanding outlet malls. Kate Spade, Coach, Nordstrom Rack, Off 5th. My life is complete. 

August 2010 - I shave my head. This was a rebirth of sorts for me. Big effin deal. Trust.

March 2011 - LASIK surgery rids me of the need for horrible face pinching spectacles.

March 2012 - I bought my first car!! This is the first car I've ever had. It's the first one that I had that wasn't gifted to me. Bought and paid with my own money. Big effin deal. Trust.

July 2012 - Laser hair removal treatments begin. My quest to be hair free is real. You will never understand how much this decision has made my soul sing.

To be continued...

I'm certain there will be plenty of other moments that make me immensely happy. I look forward to experiencing them all. 

Sunday, September 30, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 25 - What Are the 10 Most Significant Events In Your Life?

When I consider "significant", I'm assuming it means "life changing". It took me a while to come up with this list. It is in no particular order.

Ten Events that Changed Tee's Life (in no particular order)
  1. Becoming a mother. January 13, 2004, quite possibly the scariest day of my life. I chronicled the details of that day already. See Labor Day. Other than the pain of that day. The scariest part was knowing that I would officially be responsible for the life of a new citizen of the universe. It was now the my job to make sure that he is educated. That he eats a well balanced diet. That he stays away from guttersnipes, scallywags, and trollops. And most importantly: that he is not so messed up that his story ends up on Criminal Minds. My biggest fear in life is raising an Unsub. So far I think I've done okay, but there are days when I'm not show sure. Any mother who has ever walked in on their child writing extensive plans for how The Ninja Turtles should invade and overthrow The Power Rangers knows what I'm talking about.
  2. Going to college. I'm pretty sure most people consider this a normal event in life.  But that's not so much the case where I'm from. College is a privilege, not a forgone conclusion. The school that I went to was NOT my first choice. It wasn't even my second. But it was the school that I (meaning my parents) could afford. Yes, I was given a full academic scholarship. But I still had to eat and walking around naked was still illegal back in those days. If I had gone to the school I wanted to go to (Cornell University, Ithaca NY) my parents probably would have had to sell bone marrow, kidneys, and the occasional liver to make sure I made it 4 years without starving, even with my scholarships and grants. So, I sacrificed a want because I didn't want to run track anymore and wanted to stay on the academic road. But it turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. 
  3. Leaving Kentucky. I've made 2 decisions in my life that SAVED my life. This one one of them. I left a place where I was sad and lonely all of the time.  Even though I was surrounded by friends and less than an hour away from family. Being in that place made me feel like I was in shackles. I never felt like I could reach my full potential. I was wasting away. And so, I constantly prayed for change.   Eventually, an opportunity for a substantial raise and change in scenery was presented to me. I took it and I haven't looked back. 
  4. Being punished in Mrs. Jones' 1st Grade Class. Okay, I was only 6 but this was definitely a life changing moment for me. So, I was in Mrs. Jones' 1st grade class at Auburndale Elementary School. We were working on spelling, or at least the rest of the class was. I was sitting at my desk twiddling my thumbs because I was bored out of my mind. I'd been finished with the assignment for at least 15 minutes. I was contemplating getting up and running a lap around the classroom. Instead, for reasons that I could not explain then and can not explain now, I yelled out in my very finest playground voice "FUCK!!" And time stood still. Mrs. Jones, a portly brunette with the kindest, gentlest manner anyone can ever have came running to my desk. Her face was beet red. She says, "TEE, what on Earth did you just say?!?!?" And I calmly sat in my desk, straightened my back and said, "I said fuck Mrs. Jones. I just said fuck.". Without saying a word she grabs me by my arm, takes me to the front of the classroom, draws a circle on the board and tells me to put my nose in it.  Now this may not seem like adequate punishment to you, but you should know that I was probably smaller than most Kindergarteners when I was in the 1st grade. And Mrs. Jones drew that circle at at least 2nd grade height! I spent recess chilling in that corner with my nose in that circle on my damn tippy toes. I'm talking THE TIPS of my damn toes! Michael Joseph Jackson had not one damn thing on me that day. Anyway, all of that to say it changed my life because I never yelled out "fuck" in class again. I didn't stop using the word. But I learned enough from that incident to know that I should probably use my inside voice when saying it.
  5. My First Trip to the Principal's Office. This time it was 4th grade. Mr. Villanova was the Principal of Bloom Elementary School. I can't even remember why I was in the office. I think it was for fighting, but I can't be sure. All I remember is sitting in this high backed chair that faced Mr. Villanova's desk. I remember him looking at me with extreme disappointment on his face. He said something like, "Tee, you are one of the good kids. There's no reason you should be sitting here right now." And then he picked up the phone and called my father. He told my father what my infraction was and then he said, "I'm just calling to verify that I have permission to paddle your child." And then he shook his head grimly and hang up the phone. He stood up with a stoic expression on his face. He took me by my hand and then took me to a corner in his office where a paddle was plugged into the wall. Yes, you heard me right. The damn thing was plugged into the gatdamn WALL!! It was metal, at least 15 feet long, and had cutouts all over it. It was plugged up so that it could heat up and vibrate to induce more pain. He told me to turn around. I wouldn't. He told me to turn around again. I wouldn't. He picked the paddle up. I screamed. He sat it down. I fainted. When I came to I was still in the office. My father was there. He was laughing at me. Apparently, this is the kind of shit evil parents and Principal's do when they have good children who want to act like problem children in order to scare the shit out of them and force good behavior. It worked. I didn't get caught doing any bad shit again. Well, until middle school.
  6. Being placed in the Advanced Placement Program. So apparently I'm gifted. Or at least that's what somebody told my parents. And because I was a "gifted" kid, I was placed in the advanced program.  This meant leaving my home school and being shipped to a school that specialized in teaching nerds and the socially awkward.  That school was Bloom Elementary by the way. This happening to me set me on a path that would lead to many additional significant events in my life. I met my first best friend at Bloom. I met my first real boyfriend at Meyzeek Middle School (another school that catered to future bomb builders and bosses). I met my first track coach. The most important lesson that I learned that "gifted" kids are no different than "regular" kids. "Gifted" kids just have worse attitudes. 
  7. The Million Dollar Question. When I was in the 7th grade at Meyzeek Middle School, I was sentenced to detention. Don't ask me why. I had a horrible attitude, so possibilities are endless.  Anyway, I was in detention. That days teacher was a man named Ronald Ramsey. Mr. Ramsey had a reputation for being a hard ass. And also a lunatic. Now, this didn't mean that he was a bad guy. In fact, he was probably one of the best teachers in the school. He just didn't take any shit off of anybody. And for that he was branded "crazy". I could relate. So there I was in detention. Mr. Ramsey was staring at me with an attitude. I was staring back with my own. After a few minutes of this Mr. Ramsey asks me, what I've since coined The Million Dollar Question. He says, "Why are you here?" Before I could retort with my own smartass rebuttal he continued, "And I don't mean, here in this place. I mean here. What are you doing with yourself? What are you going to do with your life?" And I was struck speechless. There I was, an advanced student and I couldn't come up with the answer. Those few short sentences changed my life. I had never NOT had the answer, for anything. I didn't like how that felt. And so, I decided, that day in detention that I would find some kind of purpose. Or at least as much purpose as a 12 year old can. I joined the track team. Turns out I was pretty fast. I started paying attention in class. And I slowed down on the snarkiness to teachers (a little). 
  8. The first time I saw "New Jack City". Yes the acting in this movie is somewhat questionable. But the movie is chock full of life lessons. Just say no. Be your brother's keeper. Don't date strippers. Don't get high on your own supply. Never listen to a person with a gun who sings lullabies. Keith Sweat is available for weddings. Creepy old men can pop caps with the best of 'em. It's always business, never personal. You can't hide crack under titties. Light skinned guys will always be made the scapegoat. I love this movie with everything that is in me. That is all.
  9. My first Coach bag. When I was 13 my mother began a tradition of getting her daughters new Coach bags for Christmas. My first one was a black cross-body satchel with brass details. I thought that bag was the most amazing thing in life. The leather smelled delightful. It was so soft and supple. Getting that bag started a fire inside of me that still burns today. I LIVE for an awesome handbag. I graduated from Coach into more high end brands. But honestly, brand doesn't matter. Give me some soft, buttery leather; great detail on the hardware, and enough room to carry my crap and you've got a sale. Handbags are my life.
  10. The bus ride to Paducah, KY. Westside Track Club was on it's way to Paducah for a regional track meet. The bus was full of young track stars. I happened to be sitting next to one of the finest young men on the team. It was June 23 and he asked me to be his girl. I couldn't believe it. But it only took me like .08 seconds to say no. I didn't want to seem desperate or anything. He asked me again about 15 minutes later and I decided to end his misery. That was almost 20 years ago. Life changer.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 24 - What Gives You Sincere Happiness?

Laughter.

Hearing people laugh. Seeing people laugh. Being doubled over with laughter. Laughing so hard I cry. Laughing so hard I snort. All of that brings me unspeakable joy.

There are so many things in my life that I have to take seriously, that when I have an opportunity to laugh at something I jump all over it.

This is also why I've honed my ability to find the ability to laugh at just about anything. Finding the funny in something that other people may take too seriously helps me keep my blood pressure down. It's not always good when I start giggling in the middle of a "serious" meeting or church service, but this is my coping mechanism.

If you are ever around me and hear the delightful sound of my laughter (some people would say it sounds like Tickle Me Elmo...I'm not so sure), there's an 84.72% chance that I'm not laughing at you. This doesn't mean that I'm dissing you.  This just means that you amuse me.  That's not a bad thing.  Trust me. When I'm not laughing at you is when you have a problem.

I have a serious habit of laughing at inappropriate things. I spend hours on youtube and World Star Hip Hop looking at the foolishness that people upload to the internet. But do you want to know what makes me laugh the most? The news.

You may think all the reports of crime, recession, and the end of days is depressing.  But you have to look past the message that is being given and concentrate on the people giving the message. Newscasters are comedic gold. Their faces and reactions when reporting on stories like the mating habits of two suburban squirrels or other dumb shit are always priceless. Sometimes, you luck up on a story where they can't even contain themselves. When you get this kind of gold hold it close to your heart. It will get you through the lean times in your life.

Here are some awesome real life moments from my neck of the woods.  When I tell you these gave me life? My soul is still smiling people.





Friday, September 28, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 23 - Write a Letter to the Person Who Has Hurt You The Most

This damn writing challenge is more invasive than a colonoscopy!! I can't deal. Ugh.


Dear You,

I love you.  I think that's the only thing that matters.

Love,
Me


Thursday, September 27, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 22 - Whom Do You Admire Most?

There's not one single person that I admire. There are so many outstanding people in my life that I would never be able to pick just one.  My friends are analysts, scientists, doctors, executives, lawyers,  mothers, fathers, preachers, teachers....the list goes on and on. Every single one of them has done something or lives a life that I admire. But since I don't have the time or the space to name all of them, I'll just tell you about a few.

First, there's my friend Hershey. I think she's amazing. Pretty much everything she does, she excels at it. And she has the nerve to make it look super easy. But that's not why I admire her. What I admire is her work ethic. She's probably the hardest working person I know.  When she puts her mind to something, whatever it is, she accomplishes it. I've seen her stay up for days while trying to study or perfect something.  Sacrificing sleep, food, and free time is nothing if she has to do it to get the job done. Now she's back in school pursuing another dream. I don't worry about her, because I know she's going to do well. I'm just waiting on the graduation invitation.

Then there's my mother-in-law, Radiant in Red. She's one of the sweetest people that I've ever met. It's hard to imagine that she would ever have an unkind word for anyone.  In fact, on the days when I call her hollering and cussing, she finds a way to make me see the good in whatever the moron who has pissed me off has done. To calm me down when I'm on the ledge? That takes skill. And she does it with ease. Every single time. She's a God fearing woman who stays prayed up and covered. What I admire most about her is her ability to find the good in anyone. For a pessimist like me who automatically searches for the screw up, having someone like her in my life is kind of equalizing for me. Her calm vs. my not-so-calm just seems to work. I can't imagine not having someone with such an awesome soul in my life. She's definitely been a blessing.

And don't get me started on Dark 'N Lovely. Everything about her makes me smile. She's another positive beacon in my murky, mean waters of life. I look forward for texts and calls from her because she always have a kind word of encouragement.  She entertains my foolishness, but won't hesitate to call me out when I take things too far. What I admire most about her is her ability to tackle being a stay at home Mom and wife to one of the craziest thugs I know (Winchester STAND UP!!). For all of the people who say that working a 9-5 is hard, knowing that she works at her job 24 hours a day and still finds a way to be perky and smile? Phenomenal. Lord knows I would be the most difficult person on Earth if I had to do what she does everyday. Her kids are beautiful, intelligent, and normal. She's done an outstanding job.


So there, 3 people that I admire. I picked 3 because that's my favorite number. I already told you that I could say something about pretty much everyone I know.

Bonus Pick: Shaun. This chick said she was tired of not moving and picked her feet up and started running!! I'm not talking about just around the block either. She's doing 5Ks and 1/2 marathons! If that's not something for the lazy folks of the world like me to admire I don't know what is!! Keep up the good work girlfriend! Me and my ankle will be cheering for you from the sidelines.




Wednesday, September 26, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 21 - Who is Your Best Friend in Life?

My best friend in life is Jesus.  He's never failed me.

But, I'm sure the question is about some earthly being, huh? I love all of my friends like they are my sisters and brothers. And like siblings we fight. We argue, curse at each other, and on occasion there may or may not be a pinch, a headlock, or a kick to the shin to get emphasize a point. I won't say that I'm the person who does these violent things.  I'm just saying that I've seen it happen with my own two eyes.

What I love about my friends is that they don't bother me.  They understand that I'm not a talker.  So, they don't inundate me with phone calls.  They know I don't provide information unless I'm ready to share.  So, they don't ask me a lot of questions.  They know I'm odd in social situations.  So, when I'm invited to functions they make sure that I'm comfy.  And every now and again they tell me to get my weird ass out of the corner and go talk to somebody. (Shout out to Tater!)

If I had to designate someone as a BFF, I would have to chose 3 people: my sister, Nurse Betty; my homie, The Good Reverend Doctor; and my other homie, The Glamazon.

Me and Nurse Betty have been tight since we first met back in the Summer of 1980. I can only remember a few fights between us.  We've never really had a rocky relationship.  It's always been pretty easy breezy. In fact way back in the day, people thought we were twins. I know it's hard to imagine two people walking this Earth with a *allathis* going on, but it's true. I look up to her (mainly because she's like 7 inches taller than me) because she's had some hard times, but she still comes out of it looking like nothing ever happened.  She is one of the most intelligent and kind people I know.  And her since of humor is beyond wicked.  I love her with all of my heart.  There's absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for her.  Not saying I don't love my other siblings, but she's kinda my fave. ;-) Since I've moved we don't get to spend time together like we used to. But through phone calls, texts, visits, and FB I feel like she's close to me all the time.

My reaction to pretty much everything GRD does.
The Good Reverend Doctor is my XY bestie. I honestly don't remember how we became friends. And often these days I find myself wondering why we are friends. GRD is one of the few people who can silence me. Not because the things he says and does are so profound. Because the things that he says and does are just that foolish. He's single handedly made me believe that there is something wrong with the water in a certain part of our hometown. That or he was dropped on his head several times as a kid. Anyway, GRD has been an awesome friend to me. He gives support, encouragement, and at times a stern word to make me see that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
He's like a brother to me.  He also owes me $25.42 for a meal that I cooked for him while in undergrad. I believe there were some lemon-pepper wings involved, but I can't be sure. Also, another $142.21electricity used while playing PlayStation when we should have been studying. He pretends like these debts don't exist. I'm considering taking him on Judge Judy or Judge Joe Brown to get my scratch. I'll keep you updated on how that goes.

The Glamazon is my ride or die homie. She knows where ALL the bodies are buried. Probably because she's the reason why most of them are in the dirt, but that's neither here nor there. Glamazon and I have been tight since high school.  Again, I'm not completely sure how the friendship started. It just did. I love The Glamazon because she gives good advice.  Whatever my problem is she can help walk me through it. She helps me see sides that I won't or can't see. And in turn, I try and do the same thing for her.  There are times when we get on each others nerves.  When that happens, we just stop talking. Months might go by without us saying a word. But when a call is made you would never know that any time has passed. Glamazon is like another sister. Honestly, there have been times in my life where I thought my parents liked her more than they liked me. You ever want somebody to run a few miles with you, cook a mean lasagna, and then demolish all of your enemies in the same day? The Glamazon is the girl for you.  She's like a secret agent that way. Unsuspecting as hell. Code name Dark Shadows.

Welp, those are my best friends. I honestly really don't like giving people that title. My friends are like my family. So, over the years I've just gotten more sisters and brothers. And I love them all the same.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 20 - Does Love = Sex?

Personally, I say no.  You pretty much know whether or not you will give the panties to a man in the first 30 seconds of meeting him.  There's no love involved there. I mean, it might come later, but when the decision is made your brain is only filled with thoughts of what that mouf can do. You can tell me I'm lying, but you know that I'm telling the truth.

She's a boss.
I know plenty of people, myself included, who have had pure unadulterated lustful sex with a person that they didn't love.  Sorry Mama.  You can bust it all the way open for someone that you really can't stand, if your attracted to them in that way. Just think of yourself as a black widow. Have a little live action and then rip his head off.  Not literally of course. I would never condone post-coitus homicide. What a way to ruin the glow.

Then there are people who don't even consider sex without love.  These would be your 90-120 day rule/mostly celibate girls. They wait and wait and wait and wait... And sometimes they really find love.  But usually they just settle for somebody that they like a whooooole lot. Now don't think that I'm judging these folks.  I'm not, I'm just talking about what I've seen.

Now you can express love by having sex with a person. When you are in love you will have the greatest sex ever.  Well...at least that's been my experience.

But no, to me sex does not automatically equal love for me. There's way too much debauchery in the world for me to even consider that.


Monday, September 24, 2012

30 Day Challenge: Day 19 - Write a Letter to Yourself 10 Years Ago

Dear 24 year old me,

I just thought I’d write you a letter to show you how much you’ve grown over the last decade.  You wouldn’t believe everything that’s happened since you turned 24.

You’re a mom now. Can you believe that? Close your mouth.  Yep the person that said her uterus would never be the home to a fresh zygote actually brought a life into the world.  And he is the love of your life and one of your very best friends.  There’s nothing you wouldn’t do for him.  You will protect him at all costs.  You sacrifice all of your selfish wants to make sure that he has all of his needs and his wants, plus some wants of other people because he’s spoiled rotten.  Because of your impatience with stupid children, you will make sure that he knows how to read and write before he’s 2.  Because you refuse to “wipe a grown man’s ass” he’s potty trained around that time too. He will be an awesome conversationalist, because sometimes he’s the only person you really want to talk to.  He shares your love of good music, snark, cheeseburgers, and super heroes.  There will be times when you wonder if you are making the right decisions for him.  There will be times when you are afraid that your hang ups and fears are affecting him adversely.  Don’t worry.  He’ll be just fine.  So far, there are no signs that he’s an Unsub. In fact he’s one of the most amazing and loving human beings you know.  And if you didn’t do something right, you know I wouldn’t say that.  You’ve done okay for a woman who doesn’t even like kids.

You have been married for 11 years now.  At some point during the marriage, however, your heart will get broken, shattered even.  Because of the pain from that, there will be days when you don’t want to go on. Days where you don’t shower, get out of bed, or brush your teeth.  Depression will become a major factor in your life.  Remember all of the mantras in the mirror that you always say? “I’m awesome, because God said so!” “Mirror girl I don’t even have to waste our time asking.  We both know who’s the fairest!” etc. etc.  In 10 years you hold those kinds of things close, because there will be days when you don’t feel so great about yourself.  And those rules you have? That list of things that you would never accept while in a relationship? Every single thing that you said you would never accept, you will.  I’m not telling you this to scare you or bring you down.  I’m telling you this to prepare you.  You need to know that everything about life isn’t rainbows and unicorns.  You are not immune to hurt.  You are also not immune to healing.  There will be some very tough years. Extremely tough. But bit by bit, you will build yourself up again.  You won’t be the same girl that you are right now.  But that’s not a bad thing.  Because of what you’ve learned from these dark days, you will be more independent, more understanding, and less judgmental.  Your heart will open in ways that you never imagined they could.  At 24 you are incapable of forgiving.  At 34, you won't be able to imagine a reason not to be.

If I recall correctly at 24 the circumference of your circle of trust was pretty substantial.  At 34? Not so much.  Some friendships you ended because you just couldn’t deal with the pettiness and cattiness that came with them.  Others you simply grew out of.  The ones you thought you couldn’t live without? You don’t miss.  The ones that you missed found their way back into your life somehow.  I blame Facebook.
You moved to the East Coast.  A semi-traumatic move for your Mother but it was pretty awesome for you.  You have a job that you actually enjoy, some of the people you work with are pretty damn cool, and you can breathe.  Living in that one horse town in KY stifled you. It made you feel like you were drowning.  Now every day you see people who look like you who have careers and lofty goals.  You can go to a concert without having to travel 2 hours away.  And even though you are 20 minutes away from one of the grimiest cities in the nation, you are not afraid.  That’s a big change for a person who let fear dictate her life for so long.

Let’s see, what else has happened in the 10 years since I’ve seen you?

You are seriously contemplating getting your tattoos removed.  Something you said you would never do when you got them.  You know because each one meant something and was special? Pfft!! Girl you can’t wait to take a laser to those things.  But not because you are anti-tattoo, you’re just anti-the tattoos that you have.

Your love of handbags is now bordering on addiction.  However, with the help of good consignment stores you are able to get the bags that you like without really breaking the bank all of the time.

You’ve grown 2 inches, but nobody believes you.

You went natural. And you love it. 

You have shaved your head...twice.

You stopped biting your nails and developed a nasty O.P.I. habit.

See? A LOT can happen in a decade. Certainly a lot has happened to you.  But the one thing that has happened that matters the most is that you’ve grown.  You are a much better human being at 34 than you were at 24.  I’m sure you don’t like hearing that, because at 24 you think you are the greatest thing that the Good Lord ever saw fit to create. But it's true. Thirty-four year old you runs circles around 24 year old you.

You are a better sister. You are a better mother. You are a better friend.  You are a better person overall. Why? Because you've dealt with grief with your head held high.  You've dealt with disappointment with a smile on your face.  You've conquered your fears with laughter. You still find reasons to live and love.  And you still find time to look fly. 

Love always,
You at 34


Sunday, September 23, 2012

30 Day Writing Change: Day 18 - What's Your Passion?

I don't thing I've ever identified my passion.

There are plenty of things that I enjoy doing.  But there is nothing that I do that I couldn't live without.

I love to write. In fact, I wouldn't mind making a living doing it. But, I don't know if I love it enough to stop everything that I'm doing write now to pursue it.

I love to shop. Can that be a passion? Handbags and shoes give me LIFE! The smell of leather and other animal skins makes my heart smile. But, I'm not sure how that could be a passion.

Can you be passionate about eating? I love food. But I'm not a foodie. I'm picky as hell. Eating with me is like feeding a 2 year old.  My food can't touch and there are only certain things I will eat. But, put something in front of me that I can recognize and KNOW is delicious. I'm shutting it down.

I'm not sure my anti-body hair movement is a passion or not.  But I work hard at keeping my body smooth and furless. I judge hairy people and direct them to the nearest laser hair removal location. I don't consider that a passion. I consider it community service.

I love politics. But I mainly watch to see politicians make asses of themselves. I mean, I try my best to keep up with the issues and know what I'm voting for. But really I just do that so that I can call people out when they don't know what the hell they are talking about.

What about playing the dozens? I love to do that. My mental rolodex of Yo Mama jokes is pretty damn stellar.  But that can't possibly be a passion, can it? Who would live for that kind of thing? Not me.

I'm going to have to think about this some more.  I know y'all are judging me right now.  I gotta fix that.