Rest In Peace Michael Lee Thomas, Jr. aka Louis Keyz

Keylos Santana aka Lenny Keyvitz aka Goldfangas lol

On July 5, 2015, my brother, Michael Lee Thomas, Jr., was murdered. He was 33 years old.

He was a poet.

He was a musician.

He was a chef.

He was a confidant.

He was a father.

He was a son.

He was a brother.

He was an uncle.

He was a friend.

He mattered.

He was gentle.

He was kind.

He was logical.

He was a dreamer.

He was generous.

He was thoughtful.

He was a genius.

He mattered.

I loved that man with all of my heart.

He was special.

He was a friend to those who didn’t have any.

He was an anchor for 3 sisters who were known to fly off the deep end.

He was a comedian.

He was a peacekeeper.

He mattered.

He mattered.

His life mattered, but he was still taken away.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get over the pain that I feel. I don’t know if this hole in my heart will heal. I don’t know about much of anything these days.

But what you should know is that when you post #blacklivesmatter and #alllivesmatter they aren’t just cool hashtags to put up on your social media sites for shits and giggles.

There are names behind those hashtags. There are LIVES behind those hashtags. There are families and friends who are hurting behind those hashtags. Those hashtags mean something.

One of those names is Michael Lee Thomas, Jr.

Born on July 25, 1981, taken from us on July 5, 2015.

He mattered.

He still matters.

He will always matter to me.

My Best Friends

I don't have a lot of friends. I never have. I've just never been the I have to have a lot of friends type.

Wanna know something else? Every friend I have made me be their friend. I tried as hard as I could to be antisocial, unfriendly, and pretty much an all around jerk to make them go away. 

Turns out, that kind of stuff is what makes real friends stay. Every single one of them saw through that tough outer shell that I have and got to know the real me. (See also, yesterday's post)

For that reason, I feel like it's disrespectful to pick out one and say that he or she is the "best." They all show me their best self and I do my best to show them the same. 

Every single one of my friends is awesome and special to me. I know I don't tell them as often as I should that I love them and admire them. But I do. 

I don't tell them enough I'm proud of them. But I am. 

I don't talk to them as much as I should. I always say that I'm going to get rid of them. Some of them I even threaten with murder. But they take all terroristic threats with love so don't be calling the people on me. 

So instead of me talking about my best friend. I've decided to tell you why my friends are the best. I made a list. Because that's what I do. 

Deal.

Reasons Why My Friends Are The Best

1. They get me. The weird sense of humor, sarcasm, wit, shadiness. They get all of it. And they entertain it. 
2. They know what I've been through and they don't judge me for it.
3. They always know the right moment to call or send a text to check on me or make me laugh.
4. They don't let me disappear.
5. They bail me out of jail.
6. They will always throw the first punch in a fight for my honor. 
7. They make me smile.
8. They have cute kids that don't act like heathens and make me want to punt them out of the room.
9. They believe in me. Even when I don't believe in myself.
10. They know I'm not as hard I try to make folks believe, but they never call me on it.
11. They send me snacks because they know my options here in the frozen tundra are slim.

So there. Ten reasons plus a bonus on why my friends are better than your friends. 

You mad?

Let's Make a Deal

The Warden gave me an assignment to talk about deal breakers in my relationship. I don't want to hear her mouth because I don't have any razor blades left in my stash so I'm just gonna do this to keep her trap on shutdown.

Before I begin the discussion you should know that I have been with my husband since right before I turned 16. On June 22nd, we will have been together for 20 years. This means that I have been with him for over half my life. In fact, if I do the math, I'm pretty sure it's close to 2/3. 

Just keep that lovely factoid in the back of your mind while I go through this, okay?

Back in the day, I kept a deal breaker on tap. I mean why not? I had to have something to put the fear of God and me not dealing with him in him right? A dealbreaker, to me, was a training tool. Something written down in the "Big Book of Shit That Girlfriends Do". I had to make sure I was being the proper kind of boo... so I set some ground rules.

If he didn't call me right back? We breaking up.

If he didn't remember to open doors for me or just be an all around gentleman? We breaking up.

If he didn't get my order right at Wendy's? Oh hell no! We. Breaking.The entire.Fuck.Up.

And I was serious about that foolishness. I'm really not sure why he dealt with it. Well, if you've seen me you know why he dealt with it but... I'm just saying. I'm not sure many other men would have. 

Then again... you've seen me. They probably would have.

As we got older, we made more deals. We broke more deals. And then we made the most major deal that any two people can make. 

Marriage.

We said vows. Those are like the ultimate in contractual agreements. 

And wouldn't you know it, we broke some of those promises too.

Things that I said I would never tolerate, the things that I said would be the reason for me to call it quits, none of it mattered when push came to shove and I had to make a real life decision. 

Maybe I'm a punk. 

It's possible. 

Maybe I'm a sucker. 

That's Likely. 

More than anything though I think the answer would be that I am ridiculously, deeply, wholeheartedly in love with the man that I literally grew up with. 

I can't just up and leave him because he broke some arbitrary rule that I made up for my happiness and comfort. 

That's not true. I totally have a list. 

Tee's Big List of Deal Breakers

1. Ruin my credit. I've already done that once. I won't be living that less than stellar credit life again, especially not because of something somebody else did. I'll drop him like a bad habit if Experian and Equifax tell me to.
2. Limit my time with the people I love. And by people I love I mean Justin Timberlake, Robert Downey, Jr., Idris Elba, Willie Geist, Bryan Williams, or Joe Biden. He ever tells me that I have to choose between him and one of my boos? Sayonara sweetie, it's been really real.
3. Take my handbags away. Just know that if it happens you will see me on the news. 
4. Dishonesty. Not really down for lies in any way, shape, form, or fashion. I'm too old for that kind of stress. I don't have time to be playing Inch High Private Eye on your ass and trying to figure out what you really meant or what you've been doing. Just tell me the truth and let me figure out what I want to do with it. Unless you're telling me I look better than Beyonce', then I'm with it.

He hasn't even tried to break any of these rules. He knows better. 

Seriously, in the 20 years that we've been together we've been through just about every trial that a couple can go through. If I had stuck to the rules that I set when I was 16 I know I wouldn't be with him.

I'm not saying that I'd be alone. You've seen me right?

I'm just saying that I wouldn't be with the person that I know God made for me. 

After writing all of that, I'm not sure that I made a point. Actually, I'm pretty sure I didn't. Whatever. I hope whoever is reading this got something out of it. Good night. 

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 6 - The Hardest Thing You've Ever Experienced

The hardest thing I've ever experienced is marriage. Staying married is hard work. I really don't think folks realize that. That is all. 

Promises + Lessons + Decisions = New Beginnings

Today is the last day of 2012.

The 364 days before this one have been full of all kinds of lessons for me. As I sit here writing, I know that I am light years away from where I was on January 1. I've laughed, loved, and lived a lot harder than I have in years. I feel like I look different. Like I walk taller. Like I'm 20 pounds lighter. Even my thoughts are not the same as they used to be. This year, I decided follow my homegirl Erykah Badu's advice and stop being a bag lady. 

Life is far too short to sweat the small things. And it's really way too short to spend a lot of extra time on the big things. Everything is not as important as I want it to be. Learning how to prioritize my issues has been valuable. Now I don't go off the deep end for every little thing.

It's so easy to act a certain way when you feel like you are the only person that is feeling those feelings. But I've learned that thinking that way is wrong. One of my favorite bible verses is, "What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun." (Ecclesiastes 1:9 NIV) These words have made a huge impact on the way that I live my life now. The way that I interpret them gives me comfort. There are people who have survived the same things that I have. There are people who have survived worse.

These days I find it quite selfish of me to want to whine about my horrible coworkers or my relationship problems when there are people who are literally fighting for their lives. I think I am doing a disservice to humanity to be pissed off for days because I didn't like the way somebody talked to me or because of the way I perceived a person to treat me. It's shameful to want to stay angry and be hateful, just because. 

I've decided that my happiness will not be tied to other people. My goals should not be set based on what other people are doing. I dictate the amount of joy that enters my life. 

There are so many things that I am supposed to do before I leave this Earth. I will never get them done if I keep dragging all the baggage with me. That mess is an anchor. It keeps you grounded when you are supposed to fly. 

2012 was the year for me to find my wings. In 2013, I'm going to soar.

Blocking Blessings

I have to have a medical procedure next week so I'm  buying books to get me through my recovery. I decided to order a book called "Passing Strange".  It's the story of a white man who passed for black in order to be with the woman he loved. It didn't download. So, I had to call customer service. I usually hate customer service because I have piss poor patience, but Amazon usually doesn't give me problems so I went ahead. I spoke with a guy named Carl.

Carl had a lovely Southern accent. While listening to him I imagined him leaning back in his chair, with his cowboy hat tipped forward and his boot covered feet propped up on his desk.

Anyway, as he's helping me, we have the following conversation:

Carl: I've actually read about the man that this book is about. It was years ago when I was still in the military.
Me: Oh really? I'm looking forward to reading this one. I heard it was a really good read.
Carl: Yeah, I read it because my wife...well the women who should have been my wife.
Me: *thinking* Oh Jesus not an over sharer!! *out loud* Oh.
Carl: Her brothers told me that if she married me there would be one last white man walking the Earth. So...well, to keep peace in her life and me alive, we broke it off.  She was the love of my life.
Me: *thinking* Now that's a story* *out loud* That's terrible!! I can't believe that happened, I would think her happiness would mean more than what they felt. I hate that, Carl. I really do.

[Pause] We should stop right here and reflect on the fact that I even engaged in conversation with Carl. The Good Lord is making changes in my life people. Recognize this please. [Play]

After my Kindle issue was rectified, I sat down for a while and reflected on my conversation with Carl.  I thought about how people let other people make important decisions in their lives. I've never experienced anything like what Carl described, but I've certainly allowed people who were important to me lead me in directions that I probably wouldn't have gone if left to my own devices.

I think it's horrible that people allow themselves to be manipulated this way. I think that it's horrible that I've allowed it. And that I've done it to other people too. I've been so worried about how people would perceive certain things I've wanted to do, that I allowed the thoughts of others or what I thought others would think lead me to make decisions.

I'm certain that I've blocked a significant amount of blessings doing this. Since I've been on the path that I'm on right now, I've been more cognizant of this type of thing. Now instead of fearing what I'll look like or how people will think, I take more time to consider the feelings of the people actually involved in the situation.

Worrying about the judgement of others is one of the farthest things from my mind these days. I'm in a season in my life where I'm trying to catch as many blessings as I can get, from wherever I can get them. Listen, I've done some heinous shit in my lifetime. I'm trying to nullify any votes that St. Peter might have against me when I get to those gates y'all. I'm not going to let anybody keep me from that.

I suggest that you get on board and do the same.

Stop looking for approval from other people for the decisions that you make. Be proud and stand by what you've done. Stop looking for others to make important decisions for you. Nobody can live your life better than you. Of course you'll make mistakes, but at least they will be your own.

Love who you want. Think how you want. Be who you want to be.

Stop letting other people help you build fences. You just may be keeping the one person or experience away that could change your life forever. That's a hell of a chance to take.

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 23 - Write a Letter to the Person Who Has Hurt You The Most

This damn writing challenge is more invasive than a colonoscopy!! I can't deal. Ugh.


Dear You,

I love you.  I think that's the only thing that matters.

Love,
Me

30 Day Challenge: Day 19 - Write a Letter to Yourself 10 Years Ago

Dear 24 year old me,

I just thought I’d write you a letter to show you how much you’ve grown over the last decade.  You wouldn’t believe everything that’s happened since you turned 24.

You’re a mom now. Can you believe that? Close your mouth.  Yep the person that said her uterus would never be the home to a fresh zygote actually brought a life into the world.  And he is the love of your life and one of your very best friends.  There’s nothing you wouldn’t do for him.  You will protect him at all costs.  You sacrifice all of your selfish wants to make sure that he has all of his needs and his wants, plus some wants of other people because he’s spoiled rotten.  Because of your impatience with stupid children, you will make sure that he knows how to read and write before he’s 2.  Because you refuse to “wipe a grown man’s ass” he’s potty trained around that time too. He will be an awesome conversationalist, because sometimes he’s the only person you really want to talk to.  He shares your love of good music, snark, cheeseburgers, and super heroes.  There will be times when you wonder if you are making the right decisions for him.  There will be times when you are afraid that your hang ups and fears are affecting him adversely.  Don’t worry.  He’ll be just fine.  So far, there are no signs that he’s an Unsub. In fact he’s one of the most amazing and loving human beings you know.  And if you didn’t do something right, you know I wouldn’t say that.  You’ve done okay for a woman who doesn’t even like kids.

You have been married for 11 years now.  At some point during the marriage, however, your heart will get broken, shattered even.  Because of the pain from that, there will be days when you don’t want to go on. Days where you don’t shower, get out of bed, or brush your teeth.  Depression will become a major factor in your life.  Remember all of the mantras in the mirror that you always say? “I’m awesome, because God said so!” “Mirror girl I don’t even have to waste our time asking.  We both know who’s the fairest!” etc. etc.  In 10 years you hold those kinds of things close, because there will be days when you don’t feel so great about yourself.  And those rules you have? That list of things that you would never accept while in a relationship? Every single thing that you said you would never accept, you will.  I’m not telling you this to scare you or bring you down.  I’m telling you this to prepare you.  You need to know that everything about life isn’t rainbows and unicorns.  You are not immune to hurt.  You are also not immune to healing.  There will be some very tough years. Extremely tough. But bit by bit, you will build yourself up again.  You won’t be the same girl that you are right now.  But that’s not a bad thing.  Because of what you’ve learned from these dark days, you will be more independent, more understanding, and less judgmental.  Your heart will open in ways that you never imagined they could.  At 24 you are incapable of forgiving.  At 34, you won't be able to imagine a reason not to be.

If I recall correctly at 24 the circumference of your circle of trust was pretty substantial.  At 34? Not so much.  Some friendships you ended because you just couldn’t deal with the pettiness and cattiness that came with them.  Others you simply grew out of.  The ones you thought you couldn’t live without? You don’t miss.  The ones that you missed found their way back into your life somehow.  I blame Facebook.

You moved to the East Coast.  A semi-traumatic move for your Mother but it was pretty awesome for you.  You have a job that you actually enjoy, some of the people you work with are pretty damn cool, and you can breathe.  Living in that one horse town in KY stifled you. It made you feel like you were drowning.  Now every day you see people who look like you who have careers and lofty goals.  You can go to a concert without having to travel 2 hours away.  And even though you are 20 minutes away from one of the grimiest cities in the nation, you are not afraid.  That’s a big change for a person who let fear dictate her life for so long.

Let’s see, what else has happened in the 10 years since I’ve seen you?

You are seriously contemplating getting your tattoos removed.  Something you said you would never do when you got them.  You know because each one meant something and was special? Pfft!! Girl you can’t wait to take a laser to those things.  But not because you are anti-tattoo, you’re just anti-the tattoos that you have.

Your love of handbags is now bordering on addiction.  However, with the help of good consignment stores you are able to get the bags that you like without really breaking the bank all of the time.

You’ve grown 2 inches, but nobody believes you.

You went natural. And you love it. 

You have shaved your head...twice.

You stopped biting your nails and developed a nasty O.P.I. habit.

See? A LOT can happen in a decade. Certainly a lot has happened to you.  But the one thing that has happened that matters the most is that you’ve grown.  You are a much better human being at 34 than you were at 24.  I’m sure you don’t like hearing that, because at 24 you think you are the greatest thing that the Good Lord ever saw fit to create. But it's true. Thirty-four year old you runs circles around 24 year old you.

You are a better sister. You are a better mother. You are a better friend.  You are a better person overall. Why? Because you've dealt with grief with your head held high.  You've dealt with disappointment with a smile on your face.  You've conquered your fears with laughter. You still find reasons to live and love.  And you still find time to look fly. 

Love always,

You at 34

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 17 - Choose Trust or Love

I choose trust.

If you are spending your days stalking his FB wall and trying to interpret why someone liked a picture.  If you are hacking into his email and intercepting messages.  If you know the code to his voice mail and forward messages to your own phone for "proof".  If every other night you and your girls are suited up in black hoodies and Tims and patrolling the neighborhood to see where his car is parked?  That's not love.  That's obsession.  Seek some damn help.

It's a waste of time if you are spending yours worried what someone is doing.  They obviously aren't wondering if you are sitting at home worried about their behavior.  They are out there getting their life! You better go get yours.

Trust is a basic building block for love. You don't have that? Expect your shit to be shakier than a glass house during a F5 tornado.

If you don't trust your partner, you stay in a place that is unhealthy for both of you. There is no way the relationship can flourish if one person is ALWAYS questioning the intent of the other.

Staying with a person that you don't trust isn't always about love anyway.  It's about co-dependency.  It's about enabling.  Sometimes it's about control. (See KeKe Wyatt on R&B Divas for reference.) That's not a happy situation for any of the parties involved.

A person who says that they love you, but continues to do things that demolishes trust is an emotional abuser.  If their words and their actions don't match it might be time to back away.  Even if it's just for a little while.

So yeah, I choose trust. If I can trust you, I can love you completely. If I can't, there's always going to be something in the way that prevents our relationship from growing.  And if we can't grow together, we don't need to be together.

I know it's never that simple. Believe me I KNOW that it's never ever that black and white. But there comes a time when you have to make decisions that are best for your emotional health. And stepping away from a situation that turns you into a stealthy stalker just may be one of them.

Trust.

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 14 - Dream Wedding

Most girls dream of the wedding where they get to dress up like a Princess and meet Prince Charming at the end of the aisle.

Well, I did that 11 years ago.  And let me tell you something people.  It was the biggest damn headache of my life!! 

Almost 2 years of planning culminated into an event with over 400 guests, about 100 of them uninvited. There were almost 20 people in the wedding party to keep track of. A soloist didn't show up.  There was a monsoon.  The ring bearer hid the pillow so he wouldn't have to walk down the aisle.  One of my bridesmaids didn't get a French Manicure as requested. My father refused to remove his Blue Blockers.  I didn't get to eat any of the delicious food that I'd carefully selected because of my nerves and people kept talking to me. 

By the end of the night my nerves were fried!! All that meeting and greeting.  People I barely knew touching me and talking to me.  I don't know what I was thinking when I said I wanted a big wedding.  Hubby just wanted to go to the Justice of the Peace or Vegas.  The thought was an affront to my betrothed Southern sensibilities.

If I had to do it all over again, I'd hop on a plane and disappear.

So my dream wedding? Me, the man I love, and a clergy man.  Alone on a beach with white sand and turquoise water.  Wearing white linen and no shoes.  I may or may not be drunk.  The end.  I don't have time for theatrics and shenanigans. My dream wedding is about US, not the show that we can put on for everybody else.

Yep, next time it will be simpler. No anxiety attacks or Bridezilla-esque emotional breakdowns. Just us, Jesus, and an ocean breeze. Sweet.

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 12 - What would you say your biggest fear is when it comes to relationships?

That's it! I'm canceling this weeks therapy appointment. Seems like I'm covering everything here for free.

My biggest fear when it comes to relationships is failure (and we already know I have issues with failure). I'm afraid that even if I try as hard as I can to make things work, they won't. Ending something that you vowed before God and everybody would last until death? That's some epic failure for your ass right there people.

I'm afraid of being judged. That people will say "I knew it wouldn't work" or "I'm surprised it took this long to end". People will pretend that they know things about me and my relationship that they don't, and make conclusions based on lies. That people will look at me and know that I couldn't fix. Like there will be some kind of scarlet letter on my forehead. A big ass italicized "F".

I'm afraid of scars. Of not being able to believe in love again. Of not even wanting to try, because the first time was such a letdown.

More than anything, I'm afraid of being alone.  Which is odd for me since I value solitude and silence so much. But being in a room alone with your thoughts is something all together different than going through life alone with your feelings. Wouldn't you agree?

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 11 - Are You a Lover or a Fighter?

Are you a lover or a fighter? I'm both. I'm a Cancer. Lover and fighter pretty much sums up what we are about.

It takes me a long time to love. Hell, let's be honest, it takes me a long time to like. But when I decide that you are a person that deserves that emotion, there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. Except go to jail. I ain't going to the pokie for none of you clowns.

When I do that feel that emotion, I feel it to the very depths of my soul. I don't use the word love lightly. If I say it, I mean it. If I tell you I love you, you better believe I'm telling you the truth. If I say I don't like you, then you should believe that too. I'm not a person that lies, especially about my emotions. I honestly don't think I could. Even if I'm quiet how I really feel about you shows up on my face.

I'm not going to get too deep into my fighter side. Let's just say that there was this book written once called The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, look that one up if you ever need an explanation of how I flip when it's time to fight. It's all good in the hood til you push me. Then all bets are off.

I don't consider myself an angry person. I don't even think I'm mean. I'm honestly one of the sweetest, nicest people you know. But do something that hurts me or somebody that I love? You are going to have some problems buddy. I'm talking problems of the furniture moving, smoke in the city, somebody might need stitches and a self-esteem transplant after this variety.

I don't play the I'm going to talk this out and come up with a solution that makes sense games. No ma'am. Do something to hurt a loved one and I'll cut you first and ask questions later.

So yeah, I'm a lover and a fighter.

I'll love you until I don't. I'll fight for you until I won't. If I don't and I won't? Don't even bother coming around me. It will be an awfully chilly situation. Please refer to paragraph 4 for how things may turn out for you.

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 8 - Has your heart ever been broken? Have you ever broken a heart?

Who wrote these questions? Sweet baby Jesus you are a meddling such and such ain't you?

Anyway, to answer the questions: yes and yes. I used to think my heart had been broken several times. Now I know that those times were just hurt feelings. A real broken heart causes real physical pain. It takes a very long time to recover from it. In my opinion, it's one of the closest times a person can come to experiencing death without completely crossing over. I've only felt that way one time in my life. I'm still not 100%. Sometimes I don't think I ever will be.

Not being able to breathe without hurting? Nausea? No appetite? Headaches? Depression? Anxiety? Been there and done all of that and some more. All because the person that I loved decided that they didn't love me as much as they should have. Or maybe they couldn't love me as much as I deserved.  I haven't quite figured it out yet, but I'm working on it.

I try not to be jaded and evil (well at least not because of what somebody else did to me, some of that is just a character flaw) and hold old hurts against new people. Nobody likes to hang around the mean old bag lady. I don't do a lot of asking "why me" or "what could I have done different" anymore. Dwelling on things that I can't control doesn't help the healing process.

It's an odd feeling realizing that the one you want to be with is the one that has the power to hurt you the most. That's why I've tried as hard as I can to never make someone experience the hurt that I felt when my heart was broken. I figured that I was doing a pretty good job until someone told me that I wasn't. It seems that I've been leaving a trail of broken hearts behind me for decades now. I mean, don't get me wrong I knew that folks were quite taken with my greatness, but I never knew that they felt bad once I moved on. But apparently, that's part of how I hurt guys the most. It's very easy for me to walk away and not give a person a second thought. Not because I don't think that they matter, mainly because I don't think they are important anymore. That's pretty harsh, huh? Damn. *light bulb moment*

And then after the heartbreak, you end up in limbo. Hurt, damaged, and angry. Still able and wanting to love. Knowing that that love can hurt you, but going after it anyway. It's like stepping into a cage at the zoo. You know there's a possibility that you are going to be ripped to shreds, but you just have to have a closer look because there's a chance that you might not get shredded.

Heartbreak sucks big ones.

30 Day Writing Challenge - Day 4: What Is True Love?1

What is true love? 

I have no idea. And that's an honest answer.