Perception

So today I'm supposed to talk about how people see me vs. how I see myself.

This one is going to be a little difficult for me because I'm actually going to have use my brain a little. I don't know about you, but I try not to use the lobes of my brain outside of 9-11 am Monday-Wednesday. 

So here goes.

I'm about 83.847% sure that most of the world sees me like this:

He's a lunatic.

That's right. I know what you all think of me. Y'all think I'm nuts. It's fine. I know I'm not. 

What I am is honest. I'm upfront about most things. And sometimes I can get loud about it. But that's only when I'm passionate. And there are very few things that I'm passionate about. Usually, I'm chilling. Not giving very many damns about life in general.

That doesn't make me crazy though.

That makes me stress free. Well, mostly stress free. 

I am human. 

Some people may see me as very outgoing. Like I don't mind dealing with people to get things done or make things happen.

Not even.

I'm the most unoutgoing person in the world. I'm probably the shyest person you'll ever meet. I don't talk. Hell, I hardly move around if there's a crowd of people. And by crowd I mean more than 3. 

Crowds make me shutdown. I just can't handle being around people.

It's not because I'm evil. I know that's how some people see me.

Not me. I promise.

I've been told more than once that a person didn't approach me because they thought I would rip their head off and eat it praying mantis style.

Not sure where that bad rep came from. I'm not evil. I'm just not friendly. 

There's a difference.

I'm definitely not going to be the life of any party, when the party is over I'll be able to give a full run down of everybody in attendance. I believe most people appreciate my knack for spotting fuckery in a crowded room. I really believe that's why I get invited anywhere. I know it's not for my sunny disposition. 

So, to some of you I guess that really makes me:

Pick one.

There are very, very few people who know the true me. 

If they did, they would totally see me like I see myself:

Cute. Small. Wonderful.

If you got to know me you would know that I'm one of the kindest, gentlest souls ever. I love to have fun (within reason). My laugh is epic. Awkward dancing and people watching are my faves.

It's really sad that most of you will never get to see that side of me. 

Sucks to be you.

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 6 - The Hardest Thing You've Ever Experienced

The hardest thing I've ever experienced is marriage. Staying married is hard work. I really don't think folks realize that. That is all. 

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 5 - 5 Things That Make Me Happy

I'm not sure how it happened, but I missed a day.  

Thursday I was supposed to do 5 things that make me the most happy right now. So, I guess I'll do that today and act like yesterday never happened. LOL

OK, so I'm probably the happiest I've ever been in my life. Let's raise the roof for prayer and meds people! Anyway, I'm so happy that it's kind of hard for me to just list 5 things. 

1. My son's smile. That gap toothed smile is the most amazing thing to me. When I see his smile I know that everything is right with the world. I know that I'm doing something right. I know that he is okay. His smile brings me so much comfort. I don't know what I would do if he ever stopped smiling.

2. Jeans that fit. When I find a pair of jeans that fit me perfectly in the butt and hips. Well, the only thing I know how to do is dance a mean little jig of thanks. Length is still an issue, but we are talking about things that make me happy.

3. Fruit Roll Ups. Every now and again I go on a high fructose corn syrup binge. Sometimes it's Haribo gummy bears. Sometimes is apple Jolly Ranchers. These days it's those amazing sheets of sugary goodness. I can't get enough of them. I'm eat 3 right now.

4. Manicures and pedicures. There is nothing better than being pampered with a good mani/pedi. I usually get the paraffin treatment when I go. That hot wax totally helps ease joint pain. The other day I went with oil and honey. Amazing moisturization there folks! Amazing! I also got a gel manicure for the first time. I have no idea what took me so long to try it, but I won't be doing anything else ever again. 

5. Qdoba queso. I'm convinced the stuff is created from the very best cheeses and bound together with angel tears. It's just that amazing. 

There you have it. The 5 things that are making me most happy at this very moment. 

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 4: 10 Things You Would Tell Your 16 Year Old Self

10 things that I would tell my 16 year old self? This one is hard. Mainly because I barely remember what I was doing 20 minutes ago, let alone damn near 20 years ago. But I guess, I'll try...

1. Don't stop running. Ever.
2. Do not take your abs for granted. You won't have them forever.
3. Yea, he's cute...but he's not the reason your world should turn.
4. Explore your options. 
5. This is it homie. You won't be getting any taller.
6. Study. You won't be able to bullshit your way through college like you did high school.
7. Be nice.
8. Smile.
9. Don't be afraid to try something new.
10. Stay away from high heels. Your ankle will thank you later. 

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 1 - 20 Random Facts

OK, so I'm supposed to list 20 random facts about myself. This should be easy, I'm the most random person I know.


1. I'm a speed reader. I've been honing this skill since I was a kid. Not because I have a thirst for knowledge, but because I have a ridiculously short attention span and I need things to get over with quick.

2. I can identify most songs within seconds of them starting. I don't know why or how. I just can.

3. My head is full of random, useless information about everything from pop culture to past US Presidents. One of these days I'm gonna wreck shit on Jeopardy. 

4. I suck at remembering names and faces. But I always remember what a person was wearing. Always. 

5. I've been cursing like a sailor since the 70's.

6. I live my life like it's a musical. Every important moment is assigned a song and occasionally footwork.

7. I've never told a real joke in my life, but lots of people think I'm funny.

8. I cry everyday.

9. I'm afraid of possums, heights, and deep water.

10. I require 8 or more hours of sleep daily. Anything less results in a piss poor attitude and Arnold Drummond hair.

11. My inner fat girl's name is Zenobia. She is the boss of me.

12. I always talk about drinking, but I honestly rarely drink alcohol (once maybe twice a year). I don't like feeling out of control. I also like being sober enough to be able to recall all shenanigans and tomfoolery exhibited by drunk friends. 

13. I have committed my life to living out the following mantras: "Everyone is an Unsub" and "Stranger Danger is Real."

14. I read at least one book a week.

15. I hate white dress shoes, Wal-Mart, tardiness, ashiness, and bad feet.

16. The quickest way to my heart is to make me laugh.

17. I think I'm 6 feet tall. 

18. I collect premium denim, vintage handbags, frogs, funny t-shirts, and shoes.

19. I dance like a old white lady.

20. It may not seem like it, but I'm the nicest person you know. 

30 Day Blog Challenge

I haven't been writing as much as I should, so I was looking for another blog challenge to rev me up. This morning my friend Miss.Lady over at Grace Under Fire posted this one and I've decided to roll with her. :-)

30 Day Writing Challenge - Day 30: Who are you?

Well, that's a loaded question.

I could tell you that I'm the girl that ate way too much for lunch today and now I feel like puking. 

I could say that I'm the girl that is scared to lose weight because I don't want a flat ass.

Or I could say that I'm the girl that feels like dropping some rapid fire eff bombs just for shits and gigs right now.

All of those would be true. All of those would answer the question. But I know that's not what you want. You want me to get all deep and in my feelings. Well, after 30 days of doing this I can honestly say that I'm way more comfortable doing that now that I was when I first began this challenge. But I'm not going to play the therapy game today. I'm just going to tell the truth. 

I'm a grown ass woman who is independent and self-assured. I love to laugh, but I'm not scared to cry. Even though my face doesn't always show it, my heart is filled with joy, love, and laughter. I am a formidable enemy. I'm an even better friend. 

I have unusual quirks, but I think that makes me perfectly normal. I'm the coolest nerd you know. I'm probably also the thuggiest thug you know. I'm full of random information that I don't mind sharing. But I'll probably never share it with you if I don't know who you are. I great with faces, horrible with names. The words "vintage Gucci handbag for sale" makes my synapses sizzle. Goodwill is one of my favorite stores.

I've been broken down to the deepest depths of depression.  And I survived myself.

I'm shy. I'm honest. I'm real. 

So with all of that said, my answer to the question is this: I'm Tee. And I'm pretty damn proud to be me. 

PRIDE

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 29 -Who would you invite to the perfect dinner party? (Dead, living, historical, famous, not famous...)

Now y'all know I'm no good with parties.

How many people do I invite? Should I consider seating arrangements? Should I have ice breakers so that the dead people can get acclimated to the living, and vice versa? Will there be a cocktail hour or do we just do a free for all at a buffet? I know for damn sure I wouldn't cook for all of these people.

Should the location be intimate? Or should it be open, just in case there are fisticuffs? If folks do start laying hands on each other, do I let them fight? You know...for the sake of history? Is the dress code black tie or Ones and tees? Is entertainment necessary? I mean my entertainment is going to be the people watching, but do I have to consider the boredom of others?

If I invite a deceased terrorist, should I also invite law enforcement to balance things out? Should there also be at least one or two MD's in the building? Or at least a nurse practitioner? Should there be a photographer to capture all the greatness? Or will we treat this like a meeting of the New World Order?

So many questions!! But anyway, here's my guest list:

Guest List for the Greatest Party Ever - Or at Least the One with the Highest Odds for Ratchetness

Adolf Hitler - I know, I know. But...I have questions. Lots and lots and LOTS of questions.
Malcolm X - I need to ask him how he feels about 21st century black people.
Martin Luther King, Jr. - I want to ask him if he feels like he wasted his time.
Michael Joseph Jackson - We are going to do P.Y.T. on the karaoke machine.

Ali! Boombaye!!

Muhammad Ali circa 1974 - The Rumble in the Jungle was AMAZING! Personally, I just want to hear the man talk shit.
Mary Minor - My great (emphasis on the great please) grandmother. The love of my life. I just want to see her again. And listen to her cuss.
Samuel L. Jackson - We'll share creative ways to use my favorite word: motherfucker.
Dave Chappelle - We'll swap people watching notes.
John Stewart - I'm hoping this party will become a segment on his show.
Barack Obama - Because every party needs a certain amount of cool.
Michelle Obama - Because I invited her husband and I don't want to get cut.
Bill Clinton - Willie C. is everything. Recognize this.
Hillary Clinton - See my reason for inviting FLOTUS.
El DeBarge - I want him to sing my name in that glorious falsetto. And then we'll hug it out.
Suri Cruise - She's a friend in my head. Check out Suri's Burn Book for all of the reasons why.
The Kid - Because he won't let me party without him.
Florence Griffith Joyner - I need to do a weave check. And ask her if she juiced.
Jay-Z - I want to hear him laugh. And also start a cypher. I'm certain Malcolm X has BARS! We'll find out.
Beyonce' - See my reasons for FLOTUS and Hillary Clinton.
Rick Ross - I'll make sure to have a trough full of KFC and anti-epileptic meds.
Brian Williams - SWOOOOOOON
All of Hubby's ex-girlfriends - We need servers and places to rest our feet. Right?
Olivia Pope - My date for the night.
Huck - We have to talk. I hope he feels comfy enough with me to give me some answers.
Aaron Hotchner (and the BAU) - I want them to interrogate/profile EVERYONE. All Unsubs will be removed from the premises.
Christian Grey - He can sit in a corner and brood.  I just want to stare at him anyway.
Shug Avery -We are kindred spirits, Shug and I. I want to remix Miss Celie's Blues.
Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis - Her style was impeccable.  I want to see it in person.
John F. Kennedy - I want to watch him troll the room for ladies.
Tupac Shakur - He's the GOAT. He has to be in the cypher.
Christopher Wallace - Him and Ricky Rozay can compare bra sizes.

Written by one of the greatest rappers of all times!

Theodor Giesel (Dr. Seuss) - I know y'all lived for One Fish. Two Fish. Red Fish. Blue Fish. back in the day. You better believe his gonna have a round in the cypher too!!
Paula Deen - well somebody has to cook the food
Bobby Flay - He's helping Paula.
Christina Aguilera - Dirty on karaoke. Judge me.
Mariah Carey - We are going trade shade on Nicki Minaj, Kim Kardashian and a host of others.
Bill Maher - There will be enough black women around to make him happy.
Joe Biden - The original gangsta. He's in there for sure.
Jill Biden - Joey B.'s boo is always welcome.

Of course my family and friends are invited. No party is complete without having to deal with their special brand of foolishness. This would be a great time I think. Not that I would really participate. Y'all know I'm a social weirdo. I'd watch it all from a dark corner while taking notes to tell stories later.

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 28 - If you died tomorrow, what’s one thing you’d regret not doing?

If you had asked me this question about a year ago my answer would have been totally different.  Today? I can honestly say that the things that I thought I would regret...I don't.

Everything I've done, I've done for a reason. Every mistake I've learned from.  Sometimes it took me a few years to look back on things and figure stuff out, but I eventually put things together.

So right now.  I have no regrets.

Nope. That's a lie. I can't do this to y'all.

I regret the Jheri Curl Years. Three greasy years of my life that I wish I could make disappear. I don't know what made me believe that foolishness was the move.  But when I tell you I looked a moisturized mess? Please believe that. Yea, that's a regretful life decision right there.

OK. So that's my one regret. Have a nice day.

30 Day Writing Challenge - Day 27: If there was a movie about your life what actors would you cast and who would they play?

I'm not going to pull a Fantasia and try to play myself.  I have way too much pride to even fool myself into thinking I can do more than just tell the story.  Some of these people I picked because they actually remind me of the people in my life, others I picked because of their body of work and the type of characters that they usually play. I'm not saying this would be a blockbuster. In fact, I'm certain it will be a straight to DVD affair.  Unless of course I go against everything I believe in and put a bug in Tyler Perry's ear. Then maybe I'd get a play and then go straight to DVD.

Anyway here you go....

The Cast of Tee's Life Story

Adult Tee - Nia Long (really we can stop right here, none of the other actors matter)

Hubby - Idris Elba or Boris Kodjoe (this is a tough one for me)

The Kid - The Kid

Big Sis - Vanessa Williams (the one that played Keisha in New Jack City)

Lil Sis -  Zoe Saldana

Lil Bro #1 - Andre' 3000 or Wood Harris (I'm leaning towards 3 Stacks)

Lil Bro #2 - Maestro Harrell

Mama : Jennifer Lewis 

Daddy: Don Cheadle

Mama in Law: Octavia Spencer

BFF #1: Tika Sumpter

BFF #2: Jeffrey Wright or Taye Diggs

1st Boyfriend: Leon

1st BFF: Gabrielle Union

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 26 - When were the happiest days in your life?

Is this question asking about a particular time period in my life when the days were happiest? Or is it asking me to specifically name when the happiest moments in my life occurred? This is important. Well, at least it's important to me. I know it's a little anal (okay a LOT) but still, my mind won't rest until I know. Blame my 9-5 for this particular mental issue. I have to figure out word puzzles like this all day long.

Anyway, since it's obvious that I won't be able to get the answer to my questions any time soon, I guess I'll go with the option that I feel most comfortable with. I'll tell you some the happiest moments in my life as they occurred.  A timeline if you will.

The Happiest Moments in Tee's Life - A Timeline 

July 1978 - I was born. This is a happy moment for the universe. Citizens express their great joy by producing great displays of affection and honor through fireworks, parades, and backyard barbecues in my honor. 

March 1984 - I won my first spelling bee. This is a big deal for me. Words will always be important in my life.

April 2000 - I became a member of Alllllpha Kappa Allllllpha Sorority, INcorporated! I'm an AKA people, really no additional explanation is needed.

August 2001 - I's married now!! Rain, tears, and terrible 4 years olds couldn't stop it.

January 2004 - And baby makes 3.

August 2008 - Life changing job offer.

September 2008 - I discover that I am within 2 hours drive of several outstanding outlet malls. Kate Spade, Coach, Nordstrom Rack, Off 5th. My life is complete. 

August 2010 - I shave my head. This was a rebirth of sorts for me. Big effin deal. Trust.

March 2011 - LASIK surgery rids me of the need for horrible face pinching spectacles.

March 2012 - I bought my first car!! This is the first car I've ever had. It's the first one that I had that wasn't gifted to me. Bought and paid with my own money. Big effin deal. Trust.

July 2012 - Laser hair removal treatments begin. My quest to be hair free is real. You will never understand how much this decision has made my soul sing.

To be continued...

I'm certain there will be plenty of other moments that make me immensely happy. I look forward to experiencing them all. 

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 25 - What Are the 10 Most Significant Events In Your Life?

When I consider "significant", I'm assuming it means "life changing". It took me a while to come up with this list. It is in no particular order.

Ten Events that Changed Tee's Life (in no particular order)

1. Becoming a mother. January 13, 2004, quite possibly the scariest day of my life. I chronicled the details of that day already. See Labor Day. Other than the pain of that day. The scariest part was knowing that I would officially be responsible for the life of a new citizen of the universe. It was now the my job to make sure that he is educated. That he eats a well balanced diet. That he stays away from guttersnipes, scallywags, and trollops. And most importantly: that he is not so messed up that his story ends up on Criminal Minds. My biggest fear in life is raising an Unsub. So far I think I've done okay, but there are days when I'm not show sure. Any mother who has ever walked in on their child writing extensive plans for how The Ninja Turtles should invade and overthrow The Power Rangers knows what I'm talking about.
2. Going to college. I'm pretty sure most people consider this a normal event in life.  But that's not so much the case where I'm from. College is a privilege, not a forgone conclusion. The school that I went to was NOT my first choice. It wasn't even my second. But it was the school that I (meaning my parents) could afford. Yes, I was given a full academic scholarship. But I still had to eat and walking around naked was still illegal back in those days. If I had gone to the school I wanted to go to (Cornell University, Ithaca NY) my parents probably would have had to sell bone marrow, kidneys, and the occasional liver to make sure I made it 4 years without starving, even with my scholarships and grants. So, I sacrificed a want because I didn't want to run track anymore and wanted to stay on the academic road. But it turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. 
3. Leaving Kentucky. I've made 2 decisions in my life that SAVED my life. This one one of them. I left a place where I was sad and lonely all of the time.  Even though I was surrounded by friends and less than an hour away from family. Being in that place made me feel like I was in shackles. I never felt like I could reach my full potential. I was wasting away. And so, I constantly prayed for change.   Eventually, an opportunity for a substantial raise and change in scenery was presented to me. I took it and I haven't looked back. 
4. Being punished in Mrs. Jones' 1st Grade Class. Okay, I was only 6 but this was definitely a life changing moment for me. So, I was in Mrs. Jones' 1st grade class at Auburndale Elementary School. We were working on spelling, or at least the rest of the class was. I was sitting at my desk twiddling my thumbs because I was bored out of my mind. I'd been finished with the assignment for at least 15 minutes. I was contemplating getting up and running a lap around the classroom. Instead, for reasons that I could not explain then and can not explain now, I yelled out in my very finest playground voice "FUCK!!" And time stood still. Mrs. Jones, a portly brunette with the kindest, gentlest manner anyone can ever have came running to my desk. Her face was beet red. She says, "TEE, what on Earth did you just say?!?!?" And I calmly sat in my desk, straightened my back and said, "I said fuck Mrs. Jones. I just said fuck.". Without saying a word she grabs me by my arm, takes me to the front of the classroom, draws a circle on the board and tells me to put my nose in it.  Now this may not seem like adequate punishment to you, but you should know that I was probably smaller than most Kindergarteners when I was in the 1st grade. And Mrs. Jones drew that circle at at least 2nd grade height! I spent recess chilling in that corner with my nose in that circle on my damn tippy toes. I'm talking THE TIPS of my damn toes! Michael Joseph Jackson had not one damn thing on me that day. Anyway, all of that to say it changed my life because I never yelled out "fuck" in class again. I didn't stop using the word. But I learned enough from that incident to know that I should probably use my inside voice when saying it.
5. My First Trip to the Principal's Office. This time it was 4th grade. Mr. Villanova was the Principal of Bloom Elementary School. I can't even remember why I was in the office. I think it was for fighting, but I can't be sure. All I remember is sitting in this high backed chair that faced Mr. Villanova's desk. I remember him looking at me with extreme disappointment on his face. He said something like, "Tee, you are one of the good kids. There's no reason you should be sitting here right now." And then he picked up the phone and called my father. He told my father what my infraction was and then he said, "I'm just calling to verify that I have permission to paddle your child." And then he shook his head grimly and hang up the phone. He stood up with a stoic expression on his face. He took me by my hand and then took me to a corner in his office where a paddle was plugged into the wall. Yes, you heard me right. The damn thing was plugged into the gatdamn WALL!! It was metal, at least 15 feet long, and had cutouts all over it. It was plugged up so that it could heat up and vibrate to induce more pain. He told me to turn around. I wouldn't. He told me to turn around again. I wouldn't. He picked the paddle up. I screamed. He sat it down. I fainted. When I came to I was still in the office. My father was there. He was laughing at me. Apparently, this is the kind of shit evil parents and Principal's do when they have good children who want to act like problem children in order to scare the shit out of them and force good behavior. It worked. I didn't get caught doing any bad shit again. Well, until middle school.
6. Being placed in the Advanced Placement Program. So apparently I'm gifted. Or at least that's what somebody told my parents. And because I was a "gifted" kid, I was placed in the advanced program.  This meant leaving my home school and being shipped to a school that specialized in teaching nerds and the socially awkward.  That school was Bloom Elementary by the way. This happening to me set me on a path that would lead to many additional significant events in my life. I met my first best friend at Bloom. I met my first real boyfriend at Meyzeek Middle School (another school that catered to future bomb builders and bosses). I met my first track coach. The most important lesson that I learned that "gifted" kids are no different than "regular" kids. "Gifted" kids just have worse attitudes. 
7. The Million Dollar Question. When I was in the 7th grade at Meyzeek Middle School, I was sentenced to detention. Don't ask me why. I had a horrible attitude, so possibilities are endless.  Anyway, I was in detention. That days teacher was a man named Ronald Ramsey. Mr. Ramsey had a reputation for being a hard ass. And also a lunatic. Now, this didn't mean that he was a bad guy. In fact, he was probably one of the best teachers in the school. He just didn't take any shit off of anybody. And for that he was branded "crazy". I could relate. So there I was in detention. Mr. Ramsey was staring at me with an attitude. I was staring back with my own. After a few minutes of this Mr. Ramsey asks me, what I've since coined The Million Dollar Question. He says, "Why are you here?" Before I could retort with my own smartass rebuttal he continued, "And I don't mean, here in this place. I mean here. What are you doing with yourself? What are you going to do with your life?" And I was struck speechless. There I was, an advanced student and I couldn't come up with the answer. Those few short sentences changed my life. I had never NOT had the answer, for anything. I didn't like how that felt. And so, I decided, that day in detention that I would find some kind of purpose. Or at least as much purpose as a 12 year old can. I joined the track team. Turns out I was pretty fast. I started paying attention in class. And I slowed down on the snarkiness to teachers (a little). 
8. The first time I saw "New Jack City". Yes the acting in this movie is somewhat questionable. But the movie is chock full of life lessons. Just say no. Be your brother's keeper. Don't date strippers. Don't get high on your own supply. Never listen to a person with a gun who sings lullabies. Keith Sweat is available for weddings. Creepy old men can pop caps with the best of 'em. It's always business, never personal. You can't hide crack under titties. Light skinned guys will always be made the scapegoat. I love this movie with everything that is in me. That is all.
9. My first Coach bag. When I was 13 my mother began a tradition of getting her daughters new Coach bags for Christmas. My first one was a black cross-body satchel with brass details. I thought that bag was the most amazing thing in life. The leather smelled delightful. It was so soft and supple. Getting that bag started a fire inside of me that still burns today. I LIVE for an awesome handbag. I graduated from Coach into more high end brands. But honestly, brand doesn't matter. Give me some soft, buttery leather; great detail on the hardware, and enough room to carry my crap and you've got a sale. Handbags are my life.
10. The bus ride to Paducah, KY. Westside Track Club was on it's way to Paducah for a regional track meet. The bus was full of young track stars. I happened to be sitting next to one of the finest young men on the team. It was June 23 and he asked me to be his girl. I couldn't believe it. But it only took me like .08 seconds to say no. I didn't want to seem desperate or anything. He asked me again about 15 minutes later and I decided to end his misery. That was almost 20 years ago. Life changer.

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 24 - What Gives You Sincere Happiness?

Laughter.

Hearing people laugh. Seeing people laugh. Being doubled over with laughter. Laughing so hard I cry. Laughing so hard I snort. All of that brings me unspeakable joy.

There are so many things in my life that I have to take seriously, that when I have an opportunity to laugh at something I jump all over it.

This is also why I've honed my ability to find the ability to laugh at just about anything. Finding the funny in something that other people may take too seriously helps me keep my blood pressure down. It's not always good when I start giggling in the middle of a "serious" meeting or church service, but this is my coping mechanism.

If you are ever around me and hear the delightful sound of my laughter (some people would say it sounds like Tickle Me Elmo...I'm not so sure), there's an 84.72% chance that I'm not laughing at you. This doesn't mean that I'm dissing you.  This just means that you amuse me.  That's not a bad thing.  Trust me. When I'm not laughing at you is when you have a problem.

I have a serious habit of laughing at inappropriate things. I spend hours on youtube and World Star Hip Hop looking at the foolishness that people upload to the internet. But do you want to know what makes me laugh the most? The news.

You may think all the reports of crime, recession, and the end of days is depressing.  But you have to look past the message that is being given and concentrate on the people giving the message. Newscasters are comedic gold. Their faces and reactions when reporting on stories like the mating habits of two suburban squirrels or other dumb shit are always priceless. Sometimes, you luck up on a story where they can't even contain themselves. When you get this kind of gold hold it close to your heart. It will get you through the lean times in your life.

Here are some awesome real life moments from my neck of the woods.  When I tell you these gave me life? My soul is still smiling people.

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 23 - Write a Letter to the Person Who Has Hurt You The Most

This damn writing challenge is more invasive than a colonoscopy!! I can't deal. Ugh.


Dear You,

I love you.  I think that's the only thing that matters.

Love,
Me

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 22 - Whom Do You Admire Most?

There's not one single person that I admire. There are so many outstanding people in my life that I would never be able to pick just one.  My friends are analysts, scientists, doctors, executives, lawyers,  mothers, fathers, preachers, teachers....the list goes on and on. Every single one of them has done something or lives a life that I admire. But since I don't have the time or the space to name all of them, I'll just tell you about a few.

First, there's my friend Hershey. I think she's amazing. Pretty much everything she does, she excels at it. And she has the nerve to make it look super easy. But that's not why I admire her. What I admire is her work ethic. She's probably the hardest working person I know.  When she puts her mind to something, whatever it is, she accomplishes it. I've seen her stay up for days while trying to study or perfect something.  Sacrificing sleep, food, and free time is nothing if she has to do it to get the job done. Now she's back in school pursuing another dream. I don't worry about her, because I know she's going to do well. I'm just waiting on the graduation invitation.

Then there's my mother-in-law, Radiant in Red. She's one of the sweetest people that I've ever met. It's hard to imagine that she would ever have an unkind word for anyone.  In fact, on the days when I call her hollering and cussing, she finds a way to make me see the good in whatever the moron who has pissed me off has done. To calm me down when I'm on the ledge? That takes skill. And she does it with ease. Every single time. She's a God fearing woman who stays prayed up and covered. What I admire most about her is her ability to find the good in anyone. For a pessimist like me who automatically searches for the screw up, having someone like her in my life is kind of equalizing for me. Her calm vs. my not-so-calm just seems to work. I can't imagine not having someone with such an awesome soul in my life. She's definitely been a blessing.

And don't get me started on Dark 'N Lovely. Everything about her makes me smile. She's another positive beacon in my murky, mean waters of life. I look forward for texts and calls from her because she always have a kind word of encouragement.  She entertains my foolishness, but won't hesitate to call me out when I take things too far. What I admire most about her is her ability to tackle being a stay at home Mom and wife to one of the craziest thugs I know (Winchester STAND UP!!). For all of the people who say that working a 9-5 is hard, knowing that she works at her job 24 hours a day and still finds a way to be perky and smile? Phenomenal. Lord knows I would be the most difficult person on Earth if I had to do what she does everyday. Her kids are beautiful, intelligent, and normal. She's done an outstanding job.


So there, 3 people that I admire. I picked 3 because that's my favorite number. I already told you that I could say something about pretty much everyone I know.

Bonus Pick: Shaun. This chick said she was tired of not moving and picked her feet up and started running!! I'm not talking about just around the block either. She's doing 5Ks and 1/2 marathons! If that's not something for the lazy folks of the world like me to admire I don't know what is!! Keep up the good work girlfriend! Me and my ankle will be cheering for you from the sidelines.

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 21 - Who is Your Best Friend in Life?

My best friend in life is Jesus.  He's never failed me.

But, I'm sure the question is about some earthly being, huh? I love all of my friends like they are my sisters and brothers. And like siblings we fight. We argue, curse at each other, and on occasion there may or may not be a pinch, a headlock, or a kick to the shin to get emphasize a point. I won't say that I'm the person who does these violent things.  I'm just saying that I've seen it happen with my own two eyes.

What I love about my friends is that they don't bother me.  They understand that I'm not a talker.  So, they don't inundate me with phone calls.  They know I don't provide information unless I'm ready to share.  So, they don't ask me a lot of questions.  They know I'm odd in social situations.  So, when I'm invited to functions they make sure that I'm comfy.  And every now and again they tell me to get my weird ass out of the corner and go talk to somebody. (Shout out to Tater!)

If I had to designate someone as a BFF, I would have to chose 3 people: my sister, Nurse Betty; my homie, The Good Reverend Doctor; and my other homie, The Glamazon.

Me and Nurse Betty have been tight since we first met back in the Summer of 1980. I can only remember a few fights between us.  We've never really had a rocky relationship.  It's always been pretty easy breezy. In fact way back in the day, people thought we were twins. I know it's hard to imagine two people walking this Earth with a *allathis* going on, but it's true. I look up to her (mainly because she's like 7 inches taller than me) because she's had some hard times, but she still comes out of it looking like nothing ever happened.  She is one of the most intelligent and kind people I know.  And her since of humor is beyond wicked.  I love her with all of my heart.  There's absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for her.  Not saying I don't love my other siblings, but she's kinda my fave. ;-) Since I've moved we don't get to spend time together like we used to. But through phone calls, texts, visits, and FB I feel like she's close to me all the time.

My reaction to pretty much everything GRD does.

The Good Reverend Doctor is my XY bestie. I honestly don't remember how we became friends. And often these days I find myself wondering why we are friends. GRD is one of the few people who can silence me. Not because the things he says and does are so profound. Because the things that he says and does are just that foolish. He's single handedly made me believe that there is something wrong with the water in a certain part of our hometown. That or he was dropped on his head several times as a kid. Anyway, GRD has been an awesome friend to me. He gives support, encouragement, and at times a stern word to make me see that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
He's like a brother to me.  He also owes me $25.42 for a meal that I cooked for him while in undergrad. I believe there were some lemon-pepper wings involved, but I can't be sure. Also, another $142.21electricity used while playing PlayStation when we should have been studying. He pretends like these debts don't exist. I'm considering taking him on Judge Judy or Judge Joe Brown to get my scratch. I'll keep you updated on how that goes.

The Glamazon is my ride or die homie. She knows where ALL the bodies are buried. Probably because she's the reason why most of them are in the dirt, but that's neither here nor there. Glamazon and I have been tight since high school.  Again, I'm not completely sure how the friendship started. It just did. I love The Glamazon because she gives good advice.  Whatever my problem is she can help walk me through it. She helps me see sides that I won't or can't see. And in turn, I try and do the same thing for her.  There are times when we get on each others nerves.  When that happens, we just stop talking. Months might go by without us saying a word. But when a call is made you would never know that any time has passed. Glamazon is like another sister. Honestly, there have been times in my life where I thought my parents liked her more than they liked me. You ever want somebody to run a few miles with you, cook a mean lasagna, and then demolish all of your enemies in the same day? The Glamazon is the girl for you.  She's like a secret agent that way. Unsuspecting as hell. Code name Dark Shadows.

Welp, those are my best friends. I honestly really don't like giving people that title. My friends are like my family. So, over the years I've just gotten more sisters and brothers. And I love them all the same.

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 20 - Does Love = Sex?

Personally, I say no.  You pretty much know whether or not you will give the panties to a man in the first 30 seconds of meeting him.  There's no love involved there. I mean, it might come later, but when the decision is made your brain is only filled with thoughts of what that mouf can do. You can tell me I'm lying, but you know that I'm telling the truth.

She's a boss.

I know plenty of people, myself included, who have had pure unadulterated lustful sex with a person that they didn't love.  Sorry Mama.  You can bust it all the way open for someone that you really can't stand, if your attracted to them in that way. Just think of yourself as a black widow. Have a little live action and then rip his head off.  Not literally of course. I would never condone post-coitus homicide. What a way to ruin the glow.

Then there are people who don't even consider sex without love.  These would be your 90-120 day rule/mostly celibate girls. They wait and wait and wait and wait... And sometimes they really find love.  But usually they just settle for somebody that they like a whooooole lot. Now don't think that I'm judging these folks.  I'm not, I'm just talking about what I've seen.

Now you can express love by having sex with a person. When you are in love you will have the greatest sex ever.  Well...at least that's been my experience.

But no, to me sex does not automatically equal love for me. There's way too much debauchery in the world for me to even consider that.

30 Day Challenge: Day 19 - Write a Letter to Yourself 10 Years Ago

Dear 24 year old me,

I just thought I’d write you a letter to show you how much you’ve grown over the last decade.  You wouldn’t believe everything that’s happened since you turned 24.

You’re a mom now. Can you believe that? Close your mouth.  Yep the person that said her uterus would never be the home to a fresh zygote actually brought a life into the world.  And he is the love of your life and one of your very best friends.  There’s nothing you wouldn’t do for him.  You will protect him at all costs.  You sacrifice all of your selfish wants to make sure that he has all of his needs and his wants, plus some wants of other people because he’s spoiled rotten.  Because of your impatience with stupid children, you will make sure that he knows how to read and write before he’s 2.  Because you refuse to “wipe a grown man’s ass” he’s potty trained around that time too. He will be an awesome conversationalist, because sometimes he’s the only person you really want to talk to.  He shares your love of good music, snark, cheeseburgers, and super heroes.  There will be times when you wonder if you are making the right decisions for him.  There will be times when you are afraid that your hang ups and fears are affecting him adversely.  Don’t worry.  He’ll be just fine.  So far, there are no signs that he’s an Unsub. In fact he’s one of the most amazing and loving human beings you know.  And if you didn’t do something right, you know I wouldn’t say that.  You’ve done okay for a woman who doesn’t even like kids.

You have been married for 11 years now.  At some point during the marriage, however, your heart will get broken, shattered even.  Because of the pain from that, there will be days when you don’t want to go on. Days where you don’t shower, get out of bed, or brush your teeth.  Depression will become a major factor in your life.  Remember all of the mantras in the mirror that you always say? “I’m awesome, because God said so!” “Mirror girl I don’t even have to waste our time asking.  We both know who’s the fairest!” etc. etc.  In 10 years you hold those kinds of things close, because there will be days when you don’t feel so great about yourself.  And those rules you have? That list of things that you would never accept while in a relationship? Every single thing that you said you would never accept, you will.  I’m not telling you this to scare you or bring you down.  I’m telling you this to prepare you.  You need to know that everything about life isn’t rainbows and unicorns.  You are not immune to hurt.  You are also not immune to healing.  There will be some very tough years. Extremely tough. But bit by bit, you will build yourself up again.  You won’t be the same girl that you are right now.  But that’s not a bad thing.  Because of what you’ve learned from these dark days, you will be more independent, more understanding, and less judgmental.  Your heart will open in ways that you never imagined they could.  At 24 you are incapable of forgiving.  At 34, you won't be able to imagine a reason not to be.

If I recall correctly at 24 the circumference of your circle of trust was pretty substantial.  At 34? Not so much.  Some friendships you ended because you just couldn’t deal with the pettiness and cattiness that came with them.  Others you simply grew out of.  The ones you thought you couldn’t live without? You don’t miss.  The ones that you missed found their way back into your life somehow.  I blame Facebook.

You moved to the East Coast.  A semi-traumatic move for your Mother but it was pretty awesome for you.  You have a job that you actually enjoy, some of the people you work with are pretty damn cool, and you can breathe.  Living in that one horse town in KY stifled you. It made you feel like you were drowning.  Now every day you see people who look like you who have careers and lofty goals.  You can go to a concert without having to travel 2 hours away.  And even though you are 20 minutes away from one of the grimiest cities in the nation, you are not afraid.  That’s a big change for a person who let fear dictate her life for so long.

Let’s see, what else has happened in the 10 years since I’ve seen you?

You are seriously contemplating getting your tattoos removed.  Something you said you would never do when you got them.  You know because each one meant something and was special? Pfft!! Girl you can’t wait to take a laser to those things.  But not because you are anti-tattoo, you’re just anti-the tattoos that you have.

Your love of handbags is now bordering on addiction.  However, with the help of good consignment stores you are able to get the bags that you like without really breaking the bank all of the time.

You’ve grown 2 inches, but nobody believes you.

You went natural. And you love it. 

You have shaved your head...twice.

You stopped biting your nails and developed a nasty O.P.I. habit.

See? A LOT can happen in a decade. Certainly a lot has happened to you.  But the one thing that has happened that matters the most is that you’ve grown.  You are a much better human being at 34 than you were at 24.  I’m sure you don’t like hearing that, because at 24 you think you are the greatest thing that the Good Lord ever saw fit to create. But it's true. Thirty-four year old you runs circles around 24 year old you.

You are a better sister. You are a better mother. You are a better friend.  You are a better person overall. Why? Because you've dealt with grief with your head held high.  You've dealt with disappointment with a smile on your face.  You've conquered your fears with laughter. You still find reasons to live and love.  And you still find time to look fly. 

Love always,

You at 34

30 Day Writing Change: Day 18 - What's Your Passion?

I don't thing I've ever identified my passion.

There are plenty of things that I enjoy doing.  But there is nothing that I do that I couldn't live without.

I love to write. In fact, I wouldn't mind making a living doing it. But, I don't know if I love it enough to stop everything that I'm doing write now to pursue it.

I love to shop. Can that be a passion? Handbags and shoes give me LIFE! The smell of leather and other animal skins makes my heart smile. But, I'm not sure how that could be a passion.

Can you be passionate about eating? I love food. But I'm not a foodie. I'm picky as hell. Eating with me is like feeding a 2 year old.  My food can't touch and there are only certain things I will eat. But, put something in front of me that I can recognize and KNOW is delicious. I'm shutting it down.

I'm not sure my anti-body hair movement is a passion or not.  But I work hard at keeping my body smooth and furless. I judge hairy people and direct them to the nearest laser hair removal location. I don't consider that a passion. I consider it community service.

I love politics. But I mainly watch to see politicians make asses of themselves. I mean, I try my best to keep up with the issues and know what I'm voting for. But really I just do that so that I can call people out when they don't know what the hell they are talking about.

What about playing the dozens? I love to do that. My mental rolodex of Yo Mama jokes is pretty damn stellar.  But that can't possibly be a passion, can it? Who would live for that kind of thing? Not me.

I'm going to have to think about this some more.  I know y'all are judging me right now.  I gotta fix that.

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 17 - Choose Trust or Love

I choose trust.

If you are spending your days stalking his FB wall and trying to interpret why someone liked a picture.  If you are hacking into his email and intercepting messages.  If you know the code to his voice mail and forward messages to your own phone for "proof".  If every other night you and your girls are suited up in black hoodies and Tims and patrolling the neighborhood to see where his car is parked?  That's not love.  That's obsession.  Seek some damn help.

It's a waste of time if you are spending yours worried what someone is doing.  They obviously aren't wondering if you are sitting at home worried about their behavior.  They are out there getting their life! You better go get yours.

Trust is a basic building block for love. You don't have that? Expect your shit to be shakier than a glass house during a F5 tornado.

If you don't trust your partner, you stay in a place that is unhealthy for both of you. There is no way the relationship can flourish if one person is ALWAYS questioning the intent of the other.

Staying with a person that you don't trust isn't always about love anyway.  It's about co-dependency.  It's about enabling.  Sometimes it's about control. (See KeKe Wyatt on R&B Divas for reference.) That's not a happy situation for any of the parties involved.

A person who says that they love you, but continues to do things that demolishes trust is an emotional abuser.  If their words and their actions don't match it might be time to back away.  Even if it's just for a little while.

So yeah, I choose trust. If I can trust you, I can love you completely. If I can't, there's always going to be something in the way that prevents our relationship from growing.  And if we can't grow together, we don't need to be together.

I know it's never that simple. Believe me I KNOW that it's never ever that black and white. But there comes a time when you have to make decisions that are best for your emotional health. And stepping away from a situation that turns you into a stealthy stalker just may be one of them.

Trust.