My Worst Date

Today we are supposed to talk about our worst date.

However, I've never had a bad date. 

I know, I know. Lucky Tee. 

I mean, what can I say? I'm amazing and everyone that I've ever been on a date with makes sure that our activities reflect my awesomeness. 

There's also an outside chance that I warned people of possible suplexes and throat chops if they presented me with some low budget Dixie Dozen/Waffle House combo. 

I have standards people. I'll make sure they are met. By any means necessary. 

So anyway, there have been no bad dates. But I have had some really odd outings with men who were not my man. These usually occurred when I was out with girlfriends. Also, they were back in the days before I went straightedge, so keep that in mind when you judge me. 

Picture it. Louisville. 1997. The Elk's Lodge.

I was home from school for the weekend and my friend, Mahogany suggested that we go to the Elk's for some fun. Now I was all about this because whenever we went epic fuckery always ensued. How was I to know that on that night, I would be feeling the brunt of it all?

So we get dressed. I'm wearing a halter top and a long black skirt with splits on both sides. It was 1997. That was the hotness, try not to judge.

I'm on the dance floor amaretto sour in one hand, other hand caressing my Halle Berry cut like I'm super fine, and getting my life to this little ditty.

Now, I don't know if you know this about me or not, but I don't like folks in my personal space. There were two people next to me and I knew them both. Imagine my surprise when a large shadow covers us all and I feel the flesh of a stranger on my shoulders. It was covered by clothing...but still.

I froze. 

I'm talking mid-move. You would have thought we were playing Simon Says in that bitch.

I look to my right and Mahogany is looking up. And not just regular up. She's a tall girl and her neck was bent back 90 degrees.

That's when I knew that I was about to be accosted by Goliath. I went into fight or flight mode. Really, just flight because I ran off that floor so damn fast you would have thought that my ass was on fire.

Never dropped that drink though.

I found a seat at a table and finished off my drink. After a few minutes my homegirls walked up to the table laughing.

"He wants to meet you," they said.
"Who wants to meet me?" I ask with disdain.
"Him..."

And there was the shadow again. This time it covered two tables and scared a white lady into not liking black guys anymore.

I said the Lord's Prayer and looked up.

Wanna know what I saw?

Yep. That guy.

His name is Mark Henry. He's a wrestler. I didn't know that. I thought he was a University of Louisville football player, or at the very least a giant murderer. I was about 98.658% certain that he wanted to take me home, lock me in the basement, and boil me in a pot of Le Petite Black Girl Stew.

I didn't say a word. I got up and walked away.

He followed.

I'm certain this is what we looked like to everyone.

I couldn't get rid of him. 

After a while, I talked to him. We had what might go down in history as the shadiest conversation I've ever had with another human being.

Him: I'm Mark Henry.
Me: That's nice. 
Him: What's your name, beautiful?
Me: That will do.
Him: What? Beautiful?
Me: Yep.
Him: So Beautiful, what are you drinking on?
Me: Water from this point on.
Him: Gotta keep that body right huh?
Me: Some of us care about that kind of thing.
*He rubs his belly.*
Him: You don't like it?
Me: No sir. I don't.
Him: Can I take you out?
Me: Why?
Him: I like you. I can tell we would have a good time.

At this point I'm afraid. Why? Because I'm certain he's a serial killer and he wants to use my skin for an arm brace.

Mahogany comes and saves me. We leave.

As we are walking across the parking lot. He shows up. If you didn't know, Mark Henry moves like a damn ninja. Never seen a big be so damn stealthy.

He asks for my number and a date again.

Mahogany turns around and yells "NO! Shit!"

And then we went home and saw on the television that he had recently signed a contract with the WWF for like $20 million dollars. 

The moral of this story? Never go to the Elk's Lodge. 

Swear this is what he looked like once that Yack took hold of 'em

Next time I'll tell you about a crush who went all Hulk smash when another man (a friend) touched my arm in a way that he deemed unacceptable. If ole boy was trying to get my attention, he got it. Dude was fine as frog hair too. Too bad he was a lunatic.

Moral of that story? Never go to the Elk's Lodge. 

I AM Changing!

Amen.

I posted that on Instagram a few weeks ago. I don't even remember what the situation was, I just know that I was doubting myself and somebody came along and confirmed that I shouldn't have been feeling that way.

Well, the same thing happened today. I've been wondering if people could see that changes that I've made as well as I can see them. I've been questioning myself and wondering if what I've done is enough. I know it's not. I know I still have miles and miles of road to travel. I don't know, I guess I'm expecting a neon light or something to float above my head to let folks know there's no danger here... well not as much. 

Anyway, I'm talking a walk on my break at work. I'm feeling down and wondering what else I can do and not really coming up with anything. I duck into the ladies room and almost run into one of the women on the custodial staff. 

We had the following conversation:

Her: You are the girl from the cafeteria.

Me: Ma'am?

Her: You are the girl from the cafeteria. Every time I see you, you have a smile on your face. You always laughing and just enjoying yourself. That makes me smile.

Me: Really?

Her: Oh yes. You always bring me joy.

Me: Wow. Thank you. I guess I just don't have anything to complain about. I'm blessed.

Her: We ALL are.

Then she walked out of the restroom. 

I had never spoken to or even noticed the woman before. But to know that she had seen me. That I had blessed her life in some kind of way! When I tell you I wanted to shout and shuffle in that place? Wooo chile! Ain't no footwork appropriate enough for the magnitude of my feelings. 

SHE BLESSED ME. 

Sometimes God will knock you over the head with the answer to your questions. And for a hardheaded person like me...that's exactly what I need. And he certainly mollywhopped me today.

I have been called a lot of names in my life. But I don't ever recall a time where anyone accused me of being happy. Certainly not a person that brings joy. 

I AM changing. And somebody noticed. Epic y'all. Epic.

Beyonce' knows how I feel...

Blocking Blessings

I have to have a medical procedure next week so I'm  buying books to get me through my recovery. I decided to order a book called "Passing Strange".  It's the story of a white man who passed for black in order to be with the woman he loved. It didn't download. So, I had to call customer service. I usually hate customer service because I have piss poor patience, but Amazon usually doesn't give me problems so I went ahead. I spoke with a guy named Carl.

Carl had a lovely Southern accent. While listening to him I imagined him leaning back in his chair, with his cowboy hat tipped forward and his boot covered feet propped up on his desk.

Anyway, as he's helping me, we have the following conversation:

Carl: I've actually read about the man that this book is about. It was years ago when I was still in the military.
Me: Oh really? I'm looking forward to reading this one. I heard it was a really good read.
Carl: Yeah, I read it because my wife...well the women who should have been my wife.
Me: *thinking* Oh Jesus not an over sharer!! *out loud* Oh.
Carl: Her brothers told me that if she married me there would be one last white man walking the Earth. So...well, to keep peace in her life and me alive, we broke it off.  She was the love of my life.
Me: *thinking* Now that's a story* *out loud* That's terrible!! I can't believe that happened, I would think her happiness would mean more than what they felt. I hate that, Carl. I really do.

[Pause] We should stop right here and reflect on the fact that I even engaged in conversation with Carl. The Good Lord is making changes in my life people. Recognize this please. [Play]

After my Kindle issue was rectified, I sat down for a while and reflected on my conversation with Carl.  I thought about how people let other people make important decisions in their lives. I've never experienced anything like what Carl described, but I've certainly allowed people who were important to me lead me in directions that I probably wouldn't have gone if left to my own devices.

I think it's horrible that people allow themselves to be manipulated this way. I think that it's horrible that I've allowed it. And that I've done it to other people too. I've been so worried about how people would perceive certain things I've wanted to do, that I allowed the thoughts of others or what I thought others would think lead me to make decisions.

I'm certain that I've blocked a significant amount of blessings doing this. Since I've been on the path that I'm on right now, I've been more cognizant of this type of thing. Now instead of fearing what I'll look like or how people will think, I take more time to consider the feelings of the people actually involved in the situation.

Worrying about the judgement of others is one of the farthest things from my mind these days. I'm in a season in my life where I'm trying to catch as many blessings as I can get, from wherever I can get them. Listen, I've done some heinous shit in my lifetime. I'm trying to nullify any votes that St. Peter might have against me when I get to those gates y'all. I'm not going to let anybody keep me from that.

I suggest that you get on board and do the same.

Stop looking for approval from other people for the decisions that you make. Be proud and stand by what you've done. Stop looking for others to make important decisions for you. Nobody can live your life better than you. Of course you'll make mistakes, but at least they will be your own.

Love who you want. Think how you want. Be who you want to be.

Stop letting other people help you build fences. You just may be keeping the one person or experience away that could change your life forever. That's a hell of a chance to take.