Random Thoughts of an Insomniac

No sleep tonight. I've been laying in the dark and playing Candy Crush Saga for hours.  Even those delightful little candies couldn't keep my thoughts at bay...

• I've started like 6 different entries since my last post. I just can't figure out a way to finish them.  I get an idea and start writing, I just can't close the way I want to.  This must be what it feels like to need a little blue pill...

• I'm only "funny" when I'm sad or super stressed.  The worse I feel the better the one-liners, pot shots, and zingers I give.   

• I'm certain I have the worst case of Mean Girl Syndrome ever recorded in history. 

• EVERYONE is an unsub. Trust no one.  Keep 911 on speed dial and your mace locked and loaded. Stranger danger is real. 

• Prince's afro makes him look like a little Vietnamese lady who trying to be down with the movement.

• Beyonce's ass bet not be pregnant.  Heffa had me jumping through hoops and learning new languages for these damn tickets.  I want to see her stop, drop, roll, pop, lock, Wop, tick, tut, freeze, flip, and flop.  I won't get that if she has a gut full of Carter. 

• I bet the person that won the Powerball is 87 year old retiree with an oxygen tank and 13 cats. 

• I wonder if I can get dual-citizenship in Colorado? 

• Why are all of the houses I want so damn expensive? Ya girl has Ace of Spade dreams on a PBR budget.

• I didn't twist my hair. Gonna be living that Arnold Drummond life today...

• Why are chin hairs so sneaky?

• No news for me for the next few days... my heart can't take it.

• Classical music makes my heart smile.

• So does A$AP Rocky.

Okay that's enough... I'm going to try to lay down for a little while. 

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 2 - 3 Legitimate Fears

What exactly does legitimate mean in this case? I mean, if I'm afraid of something it's legitimate to me? Why I gotta spend my time trying to prove to people why my fear is real? That's silly.

But I guess if I want to participate in the challenge I've got to play nice. *sigh*

I'm afraid of a lot of things. This happens a lot with people who suffer from anxiety I think. If not, and I'm an anomaly, then sit me down somewhere and study me. Like I said, I'm afraid of a lot of things. The fact that I have to narrow the list down to 3 kind of frightens me. I'm terrified of all of these things equally. I don't want it to seem like I'm playing favorites and then something that I didn't mention comes along and shuts me down.

Let's get this over with.

Fear #1: Possums. I don't know where this fear came from. I just know that it's real. There is something about encountering a 4 foot long rat with sharp teeth and zero damns to give that changes your life forever. I ran into one on my parent's back porch back in 1995. The son of a bitch stood up on it's hind legs and hissed at me an then looked at me like I was the one that wasn't supposed to be there. As I was running away, I swear I heard him say, "When you come back make sure you run me my rent." I moved out of my parents house that day and I haven't been back since.

Fear #2: Creepy Kids. Children of the Corn murked something deep down within my soul. Since I saw the first 10 minutes of that movie, I can no longer tolerate kids with creepy voices, creepy faces, creepy clothes, creepy hair, or anything else that I would consider creeptastic. Y'all can keep all that scary stuff over there with you. Give me a fat, juicy baby that can't talk. Or a teenager that cusses and has a bad attitude. But those in betweeners who always seem to float and get possessed by the devil? No ma'am. You wanna see me cry? Have one of the little girls from Mama say hi to me. I guarantee I'll have a wet face and wet pants. I'm not for that mess at all.

Fear #3: I am deathly afraid of deep water. I don't know how to swim. I don't care to learn. I don't like to float. I don't like the way waves feel against my body. I hate feeling out of control and there is nothing that makes me feel like that more than being submerged in water. I mean it. The last time I was in water of any depth was when I got baptized. And when I tell you I held on to the preacher tighter than a fresh weave on the first of the month? Child please. I don't play those drowning games. He really could have just splashed some water on my forehead and called it a night. 

So, those are 3 of my fears. They may seem crazy to you, but they are legitimate to me. Good night. 

I'm Not "Right"...But It's OK

Last week my book club discussed a book called "The Secret That She Kept".  The main character of the book was a successful Black lawyer who suffered from bipolar disorder.  I enjoyed this book, not only because it was well written, but because the topic hit pretty close to home for me.

After our discussion I decided to write about my struggles with anxiety and depression. Then I got scared and changed my mind.  This is not a subject that I'm completely comfortable talking about with others.  I was always taught to keep "family business in the family" and to "keep some secrets for ya'self" so I figured my fear was the atmosphere's way of telling me to shut the hell up.  But, talking about this has been on my heart and mind for a while now, so I've decided to put my fear aside and have a conversation with you all (although one-sided). If you don't mind.

Several years ago, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder.  Hindsight being 20/20, I now know that I've dealt with both (especially anxiety) for most of my life.  However, the way that my illnesses manifest led me to believe that it was just my personality.  I just thought it was how I was.

Getting a diagnosis didn't change anything though.  I didn't receive any treatment.  I acted like it never happened.  To me, accepting my diagnosis meant that I would be green lighting folks to call me crazy.  And while people have been calling me crazy for years, I didn't want that to be due to a legitimate mental illness.  I knew I wasn't "quite right", but again, I thought it was just my personality.  I was in denial about it for a very long time.  And because I didn't feel bad all the time, denying what was really going on was easy.  Denial kept me in a bad place for a very long time.

About four years ago, I decided that I had to get over myself and seek help.  I experienced an onslaught of life changing events that had me feeling like I was drowning in quicksand.  That's the only way I can describe my depression, quicksand.  When it gets bad, the more I move, the more I feel like I'm going under.    Anyway, all of these things made me feel like I was spinning out of control.  Because I am an anal retentive control freak who feels the need to be able to control EVERYTHING, being out of control made me feel like I was dying.  Not having control made me extremely sad and anxious, so my illnesses escalated.  I tried to work through these feelings on my own for a while.  I FINALLY realized that overcoming them would not be something I could do on my own. I needed help. So I sought out a therapist and talked about my issues with my family physician.

Doing that was the single best decision that I have ever made.  It literally saved my life.

So, I said all of that to say that I'm writing this post for the people who are out there who are feeling the heavy darkness of depression or the chest crushing pressure of anxiety. I understand. 

I have a mental illness.  My brain doesn't fire the same way that "normal" brains do.  I will never be 100%, at least not when I'm not on meds.  I'm not ashamed to share that I have to talk to someone to help me clear my head or that I have to take a pill (or two) to make sure my brain fires the way that it should. 

OK, full disclosure, I'm not ashamed anymore.  Remember I told you that I'm anal.  I like for things to go as planned.  Deviation from the plan causes problems for me.  Being diagnosed with a mental illness is a HUGE deviation.  I worked hard to be perceived as the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect student, the perfect girlfriend.  Depression and anxiety prevented me from completing my checklists for life.  I couldn't control my own feelings.  Because of that I was ashamed.  Shame led to denial.  For years I denied my illness and kept the fact that I even had a diagnosis to myself.  I didn't tell anyone.  More than anything, I didn't want people to look at me differently.  I didn't want to be judged, coddled, avoided, or called crazy (people still call me crazy, but for different reasons that I'm completely comfy with).  Shame is also part of the reason why it took me so long to seek treatment.  

I'm pretty sure some of you are wondering why I'm even saying anything now.  I know for sure that someone is thinking that I'm sharing too much.  I'm honestly not completely sure.  I just wanted to talk about it.  I felt like if I was going to live my life honestly, I had to be honest with myself and with others about the things that I struggle with on a daily basis.  Depression and anxiety happen to be a couple of those things.

Years of prayer and therapy have gotten me to a place where I can freely talk about my issues without fear of what other people think about me.  I know now that I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.  I'm not alone.  Knowing that I don't have to deal with this on my own brings me comfort.  So I guess I'm trying to bring comfort to someone out there that is feeling like they are all alone with their struggle. 

You are NOT alone.  Don't let the dark, murky feelings, scary feeling that you may be feeling overwhelm you.  Don't make any rash decisions because you are feeling low.  Don't let your fears keep you from doing things that will likely bring you joy. Don't let these things make you feel like you have no hope.  Some solutions are permanent, those are not the right decisions to make. 

Remember that. 

Understand that mental illness has no specific demographic.  All mentally ill people are not poor or homeless and walking the streets talking to themselves.  Mental illness can be an urban raised, suburban living, college educated, black sorority girl with high blood pressure and a fetish for vintage handbags.

It can affect anyone.

And anyone can recover.  Although it's a life changer, it doesn't have to change your life for the worst.  Seek help.  Find a therapist or clergyman that can help you.  Talk to you physician and see if medications could help.  Exercise, journal, blog...do something that will help you relax and bring you some joy.

A diagnosis of a mental illness is not a great thing.  I'll be honest about that.  If I had my choice, I definitely wouldn't choose to deal with the struggles of depression and anxiety.  But, that's not the path that God has laid out for my life.  I've come to the realization that it's not something that can be ignored.  It won't go away on it's own.  I'm in this fight for what might be forever.  And I've decided as long as I fight this battle in a healthy way I will be okay.  I hope that someone reading this comes to that realization too.

What About Your Friends?

Although people having piss poor judgement of character has been around for eons, I'd like to blame Facebook for the problems that most of us face with this issue today. I think people really begin to think that the people on their friend's lists are really and truly their friends.

This troubles me. I currently have 346 people on my friends list. While I know all of them, only 5 or 6 (maybe 7) are people who I call friend. I know that most people on Facebook are voyeurs. They really just want to see what you are talking about so that they can go back and talk about it with others. Now, this isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes you want to get the people going.

What bothers me is that these days people use the word "friend" too loosely.

A friend is NOT a person that uses your words against you. A friend is NOT someone who uses information that you unwittingly provided to aid in evil deeds or participate in the ruining of the lives of others. A friend doesn't "like" you and then talk about you behind your back. No ma'am. My friends at least have the decency to clown me to my face. This is why I love them.

While there are many things that I look for in a friend, in my opinion, the most important trait that a friend should have is that they know who they are. Just think about it. We all know of a person that hasn't quite found themselves yet. We see how they jump from social circle to social circle playing a role for each group. But we never can really tell which role that they play is the real them.

And this is about more than just a person networking. I totally understand that you have to wear certain masks when doing that. You don't want any potential employers or investors knowing that you are really a assclown or that you have a drinking and/or meth problem. Leave that for the people who love you and a special episode of Intervention.

A person who doesn't really know who they are is dangerous.  People like this are prone to jealousy.  And there's one thing that I know, a person should never feel that emotion towards a real friend. Why? Because whatever that person is doing should be reason for you to cheer or for you to get your shit together. But being envious of them should never enter your mind. A jealous friend does things like keep tabs on what you do at the club and then report back to your boo. A jealous friend promises to give you a ride to that interview for your dream job, but shows up too late for you to make it.  A jealous friend watches every move you make and tells all of their other friends. There are never any secrets with a jealous friend.

Cuh-ray-zee!

People who haven't found themselves emulate you for all of the wrong reasons. Does anyone around here remember Single White Female? Nobody wants a person around that wants to be them! Well, at least I don't. One of me is more than enough. If I ever wake up and somebody is hovering over me watching me breathe or if I see one of my friends dressing like me, using my mannerisms, or something else that is totally weird and stalkerish we are going to have a long conversation. And by conversation I mean some elbow drops will probably occur. The conversation is going to end with a permanent sayonara. I don't have time to be filing EPOs and perfecting my Krav Maga skills just because you are a loon.

Anyway, I'm just saying all of this so that you can start paying attention to the people that you have around you. Everyone that says that they are your friend isn't. And you shouldn't be so quick to allow people into your life because they are friendly. I'm a firm believer in giving folks a grace period to figure out whether or not you want to be around them on a long term basis or not. Ask any of my friends, it probably took me 2-3 weeks before I said one word that had any real meaning to them. Why? Because I don't trust people (we've been over this before) and I was watching how they move.

Is my system foolproof? Nope. There have been a few that got past me. But trust and believe when I found them out, the situation was rectified.

What I don't have time for these days is pettiness, gossiping, or hating. My world is only open to grown folks who's schedules are too full for foolishness. Love, honesty, and support are what me and my friends are about. We don't tear folks down, we don't live to watch folks go down in flames, and we don't sell pipe dreams. All real life, all the time.

My group of friends is a reflection of who I am. My mother always said, "You are the company you keep." It took me many years to figure how true that is. But the circle I have around me now includes everyone that is supposed to be there. It's kind of amazing.

What about your friends? Does your crew show the world the kind of person that you are? Or do they bring you down?

It's My Antiversary...I Think...

I just realized something.  A date that has been very significant to me in the past few years just passed, and I didn't realize it until about 15 minutes ago.

Forgetting a day on a calendar may not be a big deal to some, but this is a significant sign of healing and change for me.  For years, I have dreaded seeing this date on the calendar.  I would seriously cry and go into a deep depression on this day every single year.  I can't begin to describe the amount of pain that this date has caused.  But it's safe to say that on this day my life changed so drastically that I just knew in my heart that I would always remember it.

But this year I didn't.  This year there were no tears.  There was no fear.  There was no feeling of dread or impending doom.

There was...nothing.

YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!! Copious amounts of Dougie's are being hit right now.

You cannot imagine how light and fluffy I feel right now!! It is such an amazing feeling to know that an old wound has healed.

Anyway, I just thought I'd share this because I want you all to know that you can get past the worst thing that's ever happened to you.  It may take a while, but if you are patient and resilient and commit to your recovery, one of these days you might not even remember why you are being so committed.

I went from wanting to crawl inside myself and hibernate from for the entire Fall and Winter seasons to enjoying the changes in the colors on the leaves and remembering why holidays like Thanksgiving should make me smile.

I've committed myself to my happiness.  I'm no longer holding on to the things that hurt me or the things that remind me of troublesome times.  I have so much more life to live, there's really no reason for me to be wasting the time that's been given to me by dwelling on things that I can't even control.

Trouble don't last always.

Picture me rollin'.

Revelations

When I started this blog it was supposed to be a form of therapy for me. My plan was to come here and discuss whatever was on my heart and my mind. I haven't written often, but when I have I tried to write as honestly as I could.  I can only write about my own personal experience. I only know about my happiest moments.  I can only recall my heartache. I can only learn from my mistakes. When I started writing about these things I was fearful.  I didn't know what people would think of me when they saw that I really do have a therapist. What would they say when they found out that I suffered from anxiety and depression?

The 30 Day Challenge that I recently completed was a great help to me. It made me use my brain in ways that I haven't used it in a very long time. But mostly, it made me open up about some things that have been going on in my life that I hadn't revealed to anyone.  It provided a way for me to look at myself in a way that I never had before.

Publicly, I've always had copious amounts of self-esteem, but I never really viewed myself as a particularly strong person.  In fact, because of some of the decisions that I've made, I saw myself as pretty weak. But completing that challenge showed me some things about myself that I hadn't realized before.

I'm a survivor. I've been through a LOT and I have a lot to say. My voice is important. My words have power. I am much stronger than I ever realized. And even if my message goes no further than this little blog, the fact that I'm even saying these things "out loud" really does make a difference.

It's taken me quite a while to realize this. However, over the past few weeks I've received emails, texts, and inbox messages from readers telling me that they see something beautiful in the way that I write. They say that something I said helped them figure out a problem that they were having. I've been told that people can see themselves in the things that I write. This is amazing to me. Because although helping others was not my intent, I'm proud that my mess has some kind of positive effect on someone.

Ain't it purrty?

I never imagined that I would get so much support and honest input and reactions from people when I started this blog. But I'm happy that it's turned out this way. I don't propose to know all the answers. In fact, I certain I don't know the answer to most. But this blog isn't about having answers anyway. I'm just writing about my life as I live it. And even though I usually end up in tears when I'm writing, I gain confidence with every keystroke. 

It took longer than it should have, but I'm seeing the purple in this situation. I think it's quite beautiful.