Diary of An Unemployed American: Day 2

I've been unemployed for 2 days.  Well technically 2.5 since I had to work a half day the first day to "initiate shutdown protocols." Which really meant turning off my computer, locking my desk, and playing Candy Crush until they told me to leave. 

I don't know what to do with myself.  I've been trying as hard as I can to lay low and not be ratchet. I don't know how long that will last though.  If you leave me out on these streets to my own devices there's really no telling what I can get into.

If something pops off and you see me on CNN.... blame Congress. 

I woke up at 4:30 this morning like I had a job to go to.  I wonder how long it will take for me to be able to sleep until 2 in the afternoon? 

I have nothing planned today.  

Well, that's not true.  I did just plan a murder.  Well, okay, maybe not a murder.  Perhaps a simple assault.  Why? Because my husband told me to pause Duck Dynasty so he could show me this booooolshid.  

I'm certain he does these kinds of things to see what my reaction will be.  Normally, I wouldn't be so violent but I'm unemployed dammit!! So.... today's reaction will involve an ice pack for his eye. 

He can blame Congress.  I know I am.

Random Thoughts of an Insomniac

No sleep tonight. I've been laying in the dark and playing Candy Crush Saga for hours.  Even those delightful little candies couldn't keep my thoughts at bay...

• I've started like 6 different entries since my last post. I just can't figure out a way to finish them.  I get an idea and start writing, I just can't close the way I want to.  This must be what it feels like to need a little blue pill...

• I'm only "funny" when I'm sad or super stressed.  The worse I feel the better the one-liners, pot shots, and zingers I give.   

• I'm certain I have the worst case of Mean Girl Syndrome ever recorded in history. 

• EVERYONE is an unsub. Trust no one.  Keep 911 on speed dial and your mace locked and loaded. Stranger danger is real. 

• Prince's afro makes him look like a little Vietnamese lady who trying to be down with the movement.

• Beyonce's ass bet not be pregnant.  Heffa had me jumping through hoops and learning new languages for these damn tickets.  I want to see her stop, drop, roll, pop, lock, Wop, tick, tut, freeze, flip, and flop.  I won't get that if she has a gut full of Carter. 

• I bet the person that won the Powerball is 87 year old retiree with an oxygen tank and 13 cats. 

• I wonder if I can get dual-citizenship in Colorado? 

• Why are all of the houses I want so damn expensive? Ya girl has Ace of Spade dreams on a PBR budget.

• I didn't twist my hair. Gonna be living that Arnold Drummond life today...

• Why are chin hairs so sneaky?

• No news for me for the next few days... my heart can't take it.

• Classical music makes my heart smile.

• So does A$AP Rocky.

Okay that's enough... I'm going to try to lay down for a little while. 

Random Thoughts From My Sick Bed

Well, that 30 Day Challenge was and epic failure. I can't even give a valid excuse for why I didn't complete it. I just didn't. I guess you can call me lazy. I don't mind that judgment. I am lazy. I'm the laziest person you know. If I have to pick between sitting very still and exerting no energy and doing something productive... doing nothing wins every damn time. 

Anyway, these days I've been suffering from an upper respiratory infection. I'm not sure what causes this kind of condition, but I'm going to blame it on the people that I work with. Not because I think they are contagious. Just because I like blaming stuff on them. Co-workers are the best scapegoats for when shit goes wrong in your life. You can blame them all day long and they will be none the wiser.

I'm supposed to be resting right now. But that's the gotcha gotcha. When somebody tells me to rest, I'll find every reason not too. So I guess that makes me the most stubborn lazy person you know. You can judge me for that too. 

I hate being sick. Being sick messes with my sunny disposition. When I'm sick I get mean. I gripe, I snap, I cuss, I kick (only once, and that nurse was being rough so...) So the odds of you getting cussed (that's country for cursed y'all) all the way out are pretty high. Don't take it personally. It's just a caustic combination of hormones, meds, germs, and me. Some folks would call that a Kavorkian-like cocktail. I call it "shut the hell up and leave me alone before I hurt your feelings and we all end up in tears." 

My husband and my son are used to my shenanigans when I'm unwell. In fact I haven't seen either one of them in about 72 hours. They are avoiding me. This makes me sad. Not really, they'll pay for it later. Knowing that makes me happy.

I'm not evil. I'm just sick. 

I'm all stopped up. I'm mouth breathing like Biggie Smalls. I can't hear. I'm dizzy. I'm sneezing. This is not a time in my life that makes me feel like smiling. It's all because of my coworkers. 

If I'm mean to you, blame them. If I flip you the bird for smiling, blame them. If I cut you off in traffic, blame them. If I trip your loud, obnoxious kid in the grocery store... blame me. That's all me. 

I'm starving. I'm probably the only sick person in the world that gets hungry instead of losing her appetite. I've been eating chips, salsa, pizza, candy... It's a problem. But this always happens. I get sick and I gain weight. I eat more when I'm ill than I ever do when I'm feeling okay. So I guess this means I'm the hungriest, stubborn, lazy person you know. 

Whatever. 

Well, that's about all I have today. My mind is all over the place. I didn't even share the most random things I came up with. You would really think I'm crazy if I did.

When this fog clears I'll read this and probably give a big ole WTF, like you are now. 

Until then I'm gonna stay hopped up on meds, OJ, and apple Jolly Rancher sticks. And maybe a 5 Guys burger and some fries...

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 1 - 20 Random Facts

OK, so I'm supposed to list 20 random facts about myself. This should be easy, I'm the most random person I know.


1. I'm a speed reader. I've been honing this skill since I was a kid. Not because I have a thirst for knowledge, but because I have a ridiculously short attention span and I need things to get over with quick.

2. I can identify most songs within seconds of them starting. I don't know why or how. I just can.

3. My head is full of random, useless information about everything from pop culture to past US Presidents. One of these days I'm gonna wreck shit on Jeopardy. 

4. I suck at remembering names and faces. But I always remember what a person was wearing. Always. 

5. I've been cursing like a sailor since the 70's.

6. I live my life like it's a musical. Every important moment is assigned a song and occasionally footwork.

7. I've never told a real joke in my life, but lots of people think I'm funny.

8. I cry everyday.

9. I'm afraid of possums, heights, and deep water.

10. I require 8 or more hours of sleep daily. Anything less results in a piss poor attitude and Arnold Drummond hair.

11. My inner fat girl's name is Zenobia. She is the boss of me.

12. I always talk about drinking, but I honestly rarely drink alcohol (once maybe twice a year). I don't like feeling out of control. I also like being sober enough to be able to recall all shenanigans and tomfoolery exhibited by drunk friends. 

13. I have committed my life to living out the following mantras: "Everyone is an Unsub" and "Stranger Danger is Real."

14. I read at least one book a week.

15. I hate white dress shoes, Wal-Mart, tardiness, ashiness, and bad feet.

16. The quickest way to my heart is to make me laugh.

17. I think I'm 6 feet tall. 

18. I collect premium denim, vintage handbags, frogs, funny t-shirts, and shoes.

19. I dance like a old white lady.

20. It may not seem like it, but I'm the nicest person you know. 

Insomniac Thoughts

See that face? That's how I feel...but cuter. 

It's currently 4:42 in the am and I've been up since 12. This may not be a big deal for some, but this is pretty major for me.  You see, I NEED the 8 hours of good sleep that has been constitutionally (see the 34th Amendment where REM is discussed) allotted to me. NEED.

If I don't get my full 8 hours I'm not nice.  Ask anybody that knows me.  Lack of sleep brings the bitch out of me in the most major way.  I won't even pretend that I like you if I'm sleepy.  I'll chop you down and keep walking without a single fuck being given.

I NEED my 8 hours.  In case you didn't catch it before.

I'm usually in bed by 8:30.  Except on Sundays, Wednesdays and Thursdays.  On these days I stay up past my curfew so that I can enjoy Once Upon a Time, Criminal Minds, and Scandal.  I make sure to take a nap on those days though, so my body will still be rested.  I know you are judging me right now because I keep elementary student hours and engage in Kindergarten practices, but check this out: I don't care.  You can call me what you want, but make sure you call me refreshed.

This is why I'm so vexed about not being able to sleep:  it's making my face look like I'm one of you normal people.  We can't have that.  I take pride in being wrinkle, crack, facial hair, and bag free.  This sleep thing is trying to end me and I have no idea what to do about it.

I mentioned earlier that lack of sleep makes me mean.  Well, it also makes my mind wander to the strangest places.  For instance, about 15 minutes ago, I looked at my Twitter profile picture and legit said the following words (out loud mind you): "I got a neck like Kimora Lee Simmons!" Really? Only a sleep-deprived deviant would say such things about themselves.  But I couldn't stop myself.  And now, I'm sitting here wondering why it took me 34 years to notice these neck rolls I have and contemplating ways to destroy them.  Chin ups? Neck flexes? Neck-o-suction?

I'm pretty sure you're curious about the other weird shit I think about on nights like this? OK, I'll tell you:

• My babies with Willie Geist would be AMAZING. UH-MAZE-ING!
• I wonder if Usher knows he's a gnome?
• Ellen would so be my BFF if she just got to know me!
• Why didn't God grant me my second growth spurt? 
• The next person to touch my hair is going to get choke slammed.
• Hold up...I think that's premeditated assault or something...never mind...

And that's just the past 15 minutes or so.  Imagine having to deal with that for extra hours of awake time! I'm driving myself bonkers!

I'm not sure what's causing this insomnia, but I wish it would go the hell away.  I can't be my usual perky, chipper, up with the people self because of this.  I'm getting complaints from management and employees (read my husband and my son) about my behavior being more odd than normal.

I have to figure something out to fix this.  No drugs though.  My last experience with Ambien was like a Jimi Hendrix trip to Woodstock.  No bueno.  Also, I've heard about people doing foolish shit like sleep eating  and sleep driving on that stuff.  I'm trying not to be a fat girl with inexplicable parking tickets! 

Ugh.