Questions for an Unemployed American

Somebody with a job asked: How do you think America ended up here... Polarized? Who should we blame for this shutdown debauchery?!?!

Simply put, we are in this place because people are stupid. 

Republicans are out of touch with what the people of America really need.  Democrats are too giving.  And the Tea Party is just crazy.  I can't really say much about Libertarians and other parties.  Mainly because they don't say much either.

I don't know who we should blame.  But I'm doing my damndest to blame everybody! 

I blame the President. 

I blame John Boehner.
I blame Harry Reid.

I blame every member of the House. 

I blame every member of the Senate.  

I blame the Speaker of the House. 

I blame the Minority Whip. 
I blame the pages.

I blame the interns.  

I blame Bo the Dog.  

I blame ALL of em.  

Instead of getting into pissing contests and trying to figure out whose balls are bigger they should do the damn jobs that they were elected for.  But every day they do dumb shit that convinces me that they aren't even sure what that is.

I think it's ridiculous that I'm unemployed and eating Top Ramen and scraping the bottom of Dinty Moore soup cans and these fools can't get their shit together. 

They don't even know WHY the shutdown happened.

For example, this genius out of Indiana, Representative Marlin Stutzman (R-IN) said, "We're not going to be disrespected.  We have to get something out of this. And I don't know what that even is."

Bitch!!

Are you serious? I'm over here slapping my veins like a damn heroin addict so Nurse Nellie can get this plasma and you don't even know.what.the.fuck.you.want!!

Sir. Get you entire life and have a stadium full of uncomfy ass seats!

And on top of not knowing why it happened, the dumbass dummies don't even know WHAT is happening! 

For example, apparently Michele Bachmann (R-MN) and em didn't realize that when you shut down the federal government shit like, oh I don't know, federal parks get shut down too. 

*big ass blank stare*

Sooooo.... they ain't even know how far reaching this would be? Just shutting down the government all willy nilly thinking that the only people affected would be people who sit at desks all day? 

I can't.

So anyway, to answer your question. I blame stupidity. Apparently, stupidity is running rampant in the Congressional streets.  I don't know how to fix it other than voting all of these assclowns out and starting over. 

Since that won't be happening for a while, perhaps we all can contact our Congressional representatives and let them know exactly how we feel about the shutdown and the piss poor decisions they have made.

Questions for An Unemployed American

Unemployed American Beauty asks: Ms. Winkle, what are creative things people can do to make money in this shutdown??


It goes without question that federal employees are some of the most intelligent and talented individuals on Earth.  So, it shouldn't be hard for us to come up with ways to make a little extra scratch while awaiting Congress to get their shit together. Right?

So here's a list of some things that you can do to make money while the lights are out for the U.S. Government. 

Tee's List of Things You Can Do to Make Money While the Lights Are Out for the U.S. Government

1. Bake Sales.  Get out your pots and pans and bake up your tastiest tarts and treats and head to a high traffic location.  I suggest Capitol Hill.  I mean those jabronis are still getting paid, why couldn't they spare a Jackson or a Franklin for a few cupcakes? Someone suggested that some of Minnie's Terrible Awful be added to the menu. I ain't saying that's right... but I do understand.
2. Tutor.  Find some kids and teach the hell out of them.  If this shutdown has taught us nothing it's that America's educational system needs a complete do-over.  The Tea Party doesn't know how a bill becomes law. Congress doesn't know simple math.  Democrats don't know how to play well with others. None of the fools understand that nothing from nothing equals nothing!  If all else fails you can teach the kids to write an angry letter so they can tell folks how they really feel.  The Kid is sharpening his #2 pencil as we speak.
3. Dance. Honey use what you got to get what you want. Do something strange for a piece of change. Get up on your elbows and show the boys what you know.  Apparently, there are a lot of openings for these kinds of gigs on Craigslist.  I know you probably think it's wrong of me to suggest that you do some shake dancing. And well, you're right.  I considered telling you to teach a dance class to the members of Congress since they are the only folks with money these days.  But those fools are already great at dancing.  They shuffle off to Buffalo around all the damn issues.  They have the ole soft shoe situation on lock, so all we got left is the pole.  You might see me out there.  I got dibs on all the quarters, I got a few Crown Royal bags that need filling.
4. Chill. If I've learned nothing in these long hours as an unemployed American, I've learned that doing nothing is hard damn work!! I mean, the amount of energy that it takes to sit still and not do a damn thing? Chile... let me tell you something.  Ratchet hoes need to teach a class on how to properly not be shit.  Because I'm certain I'm doing it all wrong.  I keep trying to think of things to do, when what I really should be doing is eating cheesesteaks, Oreos, watching Maury, and waiting on our unemployment checks.  Think about it, the average government employee has been working for like 107 years.  Folks need a break.  We all need to drink a tall glass of sit the hell down and let the brown envelopes roll in! 
5. Beg. Get yourself a cardboard sign and hit the streets.  Most panhandlers I see are at intersections. You know, making sure they awkwardly look every driver in the eye and guilt them into handing over scratch.  I say you hit a spot like Charlie Palmer's.  I figure if you put something clever on your sign like "Congress had a shutdown and all I got was this lousy sign" or "#blamecongress" or "If you want me to leave... call Harry Reid (and put some change in this cup)." You'll probably get a few dollars before security tosses you out onto Constitution Avenue.   

Well, that's all I can think of right now.  I mean there's also selling plasma, ova, sperm, roses, orange, eggs, kidneys, limbs, and co-workers on the black market, but you asked me for creative ways to make money.  I'm pretty sure that stuff is standard.