Selma

I took The Kid to go see Selma today. I was extremely apprehensive about viewing it. Not because I thought he was too young or because I thought it would be too graphic. I think children, especially black children should learn about the history of our country and the struggle of our people as early as possible. 

Anyway, I was apprehensive because of Oprah. Me and Oprah ain't friends. I won't get into a long, drawn out story about why we fell out, just know that all of my reasons are valid. 

So we go to the theater. First perk is that The Kid got in free. I thought that was pretty awesome. I asked the young lady at the counter how long this awesomeness would last. Our conversation went like this:

Me: Free? Say what? How long will this be going on?
Girl at Counter: Oh, until January 16th.
The Kid: But...
Me: *side-eye* *whisper in harsh tones* Shut. Your. Mouth.
Me: Well, that's great. How much will my total be?
Girl at Counter: $6.95
Me: Many thanks. Have a blessed and wonderful day.
*we walk away quickly*
The Kid: Mama, I really don't feel right about this. The 16th was a week ago.
Me: Look Kid, if that heffa decided she wanted to go back in time to provide us a service who are we to stop her shine? You want popcorn don't you? An Icee? Well that ticket money can get you some gobstoppers or something.
The Kid: Oh? Okay. Never mind then.

Nothing like the promise of snacks to shatter a young child's moral code.

I'm going stop right here and tell you that if you haven't seen this movie there will be tears.

And not regular tears either. Honey, there will be some ugly crying. Super ugly. So, if you are trying to go on a first date to see it please reconsider and go with your girlfriends. They understand your ugly and new guy might not be so forgiving. 

I don't want to talk about the exact things that happened in the movie because I really want everyone to go see it and experience it themselves. It really is a must see despite Oprah.

What I will talk about are the emotions that I felt while viewing it. 

I felt outrage at the sheer ignorance and stupidity of some of the white people involved.

I felt confusion at the fact that people were so peaceful. I wanted to yell and scream and tell someone to mollywhop the entire fuck outta somebody. 

I felt regret that I haven't done more to further the goals and dreams of Martin Luther King, Jr.

I felt happiness that my child was interested in seeing this movie and could actually identify some of the major characters of the Civil Rights Movement.

But mostly and most intensely, I felt sadness.

Why?

Because I could see and feel how much things have not changed. 

Blacks have the right to vote, but we don't use that right like we are supposed to. If we did we'd have far less of George Wallace's interns in office.

Police officers still use their badges as an excuse to exert unyielding authority on the unarmed and not so dangerous. 

The government still would rather spend our tax dollars on wars and unrest overseas before dealing with the major problems at home in our country.

We are still segregated. Yes, we all have friends different races and ethnicities. We can eat at the same restaurants and drink from the same fountains. But honestly, when you go home what do you see? Is there a vast racial mix in your neighborhood? Your church? The places you go for fun?

The Civil Rights Movement was not even a lifetime ago. In fact, parents were about my son's age when all of this was going on. Maybe some of your parents were too. 

Knowing that my parents experienced some of the things that we were seeing on screen bothered my spirit in such a major way. Because what they struggled for, what they saw friends and neighbors get beaten for or die for... 

We are still fighting for.

That breaks my heart. 

So, I'm urging everyone who reads this; black, white and otherwise, to go see Selma. View the movie with an open mind and an open heart. Learn something. Whatever you learn, when you leave the theater, teach that to someone else.

We don't have the exact same fights that Martin Luther King, Jr. and the other members of SCLC and beyond had to battle, but we still have reasons to stand together and try to make a difference in our world. 

I have no idea what I'm going to do, but I know that I'm going to do something. I HAVE to do something. 

Watching Selma reminded me of that.

Let's Make a Deal

The Warden gave me an assignment to talk about deal breakers in my relationship. I don't want to hear her mouth because I don't have any razor blades left in my stash so I'm just gonna do this to keep her trap on shutdown.

Before I begin the discussion you should know that I have been with my husband since right before I turned 16. On June 22nd, we will have been together for 20 years. This means that I have been with him for over half my life. In fact, if I do the math, I'm pretty sure it's close to 2/3. 

Just keep that lovely factoid in the back of your mind while I go through this, okay?

Back in the day, I kept a deal breaker on tap. I mean why not? I had to have something to put the fear of God and me not dealing with him in him right? A dealbreaker, to me, was a training tool. Something written down in the "Big Book of Shit That Girlfriends Do". I had to make sure I was being the proper kind of boo... so I set some ground rules.

If he didn't call me right back? We breaking up.

If he didn't remember to open doors for me or just be an all around gentleman? We breaking up.

If he didn't get my order right at Wendy's? Oh hell no! We. Breaking.The entire.Fuck.Up.

And I was serious about that foolishness. I'm really not sure why he dealt with it. Well, if you've seen me you know why he dealt with it but... I'm just saying. I'm not sure many other men would have. 

Then again... you've seen me. They probably would have.

As we got older, we made more deals. We broke more deals. And then we made the most major deal that any two people can make. 

Marriage.

We said vows. Those are like the ultimate in contractual agreements. 

And wouldn't you know it, we broke some of those promises too.

Things that I said I would never tolerate, the things that I said would be the reason for me to call it quits, none of it mattered when push came to shove and I had to make a real life decision. 

Maybe I'm a punk. 

It's possible. 

Maybe I'm a sucker. 

That's Likely. 

More than anything though I think the answer would be that I am ridiculously, deeply, wholeheartedly in love with the man that I literally grew up with. 

I can't just up and leave him because he broke some arbitrary rule that I made up for my happiness and comfort. 

That's not true. I totally have a list. 

Tee's Big List of Deal Breakers

1. Ruin my credit. I've already done that once. I won't be living that less than stellar credit life again, especially not because of something somebody else did. I'll drop him like a bad habit if Experian and Equifax tell me to.
2. Limit my time with the people I love. And by people I love I mean Justin Timberlake, Robert Downey, Jr., Idris Elba, Willie Geist, Bryan Williams, or Joe Biden. He ever tells me that I have to choose between him and one of my boos? Sayonara sweetie, it's been really real.
3. Take my handbags away. Just know that if it happens you will see me on the news. 
4. Dishonesty. Not really down for lies in any way, shape, form, or fashion. I'm too old for that kind of stress. I don't have time to be playing Inch High Private Eye on your ass and trying to figure out what you really meant or what you've been doing. Just tell me the truth and let me figure out what I want to do with it. Unless you're telling me I look better than Beyonce', then I'm with it.

He hasn't even tried to break any of these rules. He knows better. 

Seriously, in the 20 years that we've been together we've been through just about every trial that a couple can go through. If I had stuck to the rules that I set when I was 16 I know I wouldn't be with him.

I'm not saying that I'd be alone. You've seen me right?

I'm just saying that I wouldn't be with the person that I know God made for me. 

After writing all of that, I'm not sure that I made a point. Actually, I'm pretty sure I didn't. Whatever. I hope whoever is reading this got something out of it. Good night. 

It's So Hard to Say Goodbye - R.I.P. Derek Fulson

The world lost someone that I consider a friend today. 

In his 33 years he touched a LOT of lives. You would have never met a more genuine, all around delightful person. If you needed prayer he prayed for you. If you fell he found a way to lift you up.

Because he was just a nice guy.

I don't know what kind of hard times he lived through, because he showed nothing but positivity. I don't know what kind of pain he endured, because it was rare that he wasn't smiling.

I'll never forget that smile. It could warm the coldest hearts. And trust me when I tell you it did. He was the only stranger at the University of Kentucky that made me talk. And he did it with that smile. 

That smile and words of encouragement got me through some rough days during undergrad.

And a few years ago, when I was experiencing some of my darkest days he sent me smiles through text messages and inboxes.

Because that's the kind of guy he is. He was about happiness, love, and friendship. 

I just know he made a difference in my life. And I didn't even realize how big it was until I found out he was gone. 

I usually say that I live my life without regret. But I do have one now.

I never got to say thank you to my friend.

So now I say, thank you Derek Fulson. 

Thank you for being a friend to me when I needed one. Thank you for laughing with me. Thank you for laughing at me. Thank you for people watching with me in the Student Center. Thank you for keeping me from getting arrested that one time in front of Memorial Hall. Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you for listening when I tried to encourage you. Thank you for praying for me. Thank you for your smile. Thank you for your art. Thank you for baking me a cake full of sunshine when everything in my life was cloudy. Thank you for your drive. Thank you for being you.

I will never, ever forget you. 

I know right now you and St. Peter are probably laughing at my cry face, but I'm not even gonna side-eye you for it. Rest easy bruh. 

- Cheeks

Diary of an Unemployed American: Federal Freebie Edition NSFW

I've been doing my best to perfect my ability to do nothing.  Things are actually going pretty well.  Yesterday, I actually slept until 6:45 am.  #thuglife

Because I have no job and therefore have no money, I've also been spending a lot of time looking for people who will give me shit for free.  Hey, I'm pretty sure you're judging me right now, chile I ain't got no worries.  As much as I pay in taxes when I am earning money leads me to believe that I deserve as much free stuff as these two arms can carry.  Hell, if they let me toss some stuff in the hatchback of my Hyundai I'll be doing that too. 

 Picture me rollin'.

So, anyway I was talking about free stuff for federal employees.  It's pretty much everywhere if you beg correctly.  I've gotten burgers, pizza, popcorn... there's a theme here.  I probably should be requesting... oh I don't know... free rent or free cable... but husky girls gotta live to. Don't judge.

People are really trying to do their part to make life a little easier for the unemployed federal workers.  In fact, there's one company that is trying to make life super sweet for some of us that have too much time on our hands.

Imagine my surprise when this landed in my inbox.  

Company offers free vibrators to federal employees furloughed in the government shutdown

Vibrators.com says it is prepared to ship up to 200 vibrators per day to federal workers who, due to the shutdown, may "have a little too much time" on their hands.

BY DAVID KNOWLES / NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

MONDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2013, 4:14 PM

A Michigan company is offering free vibrators to government employees furloughed in the current government shutdown.

VIBRATORS.COM

Vibrators.com is offering free vibrators to furloughed federal employees for the duration of the current government shutdown. Never has a government shutdown proven so sexually arousing.

Vibrators.com recently announced the promotion, which the company says will last as long as the impasse between House Speaker John Boehner and President Obama drags on.

“Are you a federal employee that has been deemed non-essential?” an ad for the giveaway states. “Do you have a little too much time on your hands and nothing to do? Is the recent government shutdown to blame?”

Vibrators.com founder Tom Nardone came up with the publicity stunt, which has so far been warmly received by federal employees left out in the cold.

“We are going to fill as many orders as we can,” Nardone said in a comment thread of an article in Cosmopolitan announcing the promotion. “We figure we can ship out 200 or so a day without slowing down the shipments of other customers.”

With an estimated 800,000 federal employees currently waiting out the government shutdown and no clear end for the standoff in sight, Vibrators.com may yet find itself hard put to fill all of the orders it receives. That prospect doesn’t seem to be deterring the company, however. 

“As vibrator enthusiasts, we want everyone to experience the pleasure that a nice vibrator can bring to partners and individuals,” Vibrators.com said in its ad. “Besides, we know you have some free time, why not try something new?”

DKnowles@nydailynews.com 

@writerknowles

Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/company-offers-free-vibrators-furloughed-federal-employees-article-1.1478767#ixzz2h8LDjO5k

Word?

Folks are out of work.  Some people don't know how they are going to feed their kids or pay their bills... and y'all think a pocket rocket will help? Because we have more "time on our hands"?

No sir!!!

I guess it's the thought that counts. 

Somebody call me when Five Guys starts giving away cheeseburgers.  Because that's the only kind of freebie I care to take seriously. 

Diary of An Unemployed American: Day.... 3, I Think But Don't Quote Me On That...

I'm not sure how long I've been unemployed.  It feels like forever.  All of the days are beginning to run to together.  I haven't been this out of it since that one time in undergrad when I thought it would be a good idea to mix NoDoz and Pepsi.  

I don't understand how people live this aintshit lifestyle.  Doing nothing is hard damn work.  








Right now I my head is half full of twists... I look like a strange hybrid of Gary Coleman and Coolio.  And let me tell you honey... that picture you see in your head ain't nowhere near how unacceptable I'm looking right now. 

I blame John Boehner.  His coif is always perfection.  But I'm walking these streets looking like depression and dastardly deeds. 

My nails look like I've been walking on my hands through broken glass and lava rock.  If it wasn't for this shutdown, I'd be sitting in Holly's chair getting my hands and feet dipped in hot wax and getting the leg massage of life. But let me tell you something my friend, cheese and crackers ain't cheap.  So since I don't have a job I have to sacrifice that awesomeness for food and water. 

That's all Nancy Pelosi's fault.  I bet my paycheck... well if I had one, that she has her nails done.  Ole well put together heffa.

I woke up this morning and I had bruises and scratches on my knee and it was swollen.  I'm pretty sure I walked into a wall or something last night.  If I had a job I would only have a reason to want to drink... but no time to act on it.  Therefore, I wouldn't play full contact sports with shit that don't move.  And my knee wouldn't look like it has it's own heartbeat.  

That's all Mitch McConnell's fault.  His old hateful ass probably put a arthritic root on me so I'd  walk around all frail like him.  Ole geriatric jerk.

Well, I guess I'll go to sleep or something.  Maybe when I wake up this nightmare will be over.  

Questions for An Unemployed American

Unemployed American Beauty asks: Ms. Winkle, what are creative things people can do to make money in this shutdown??


It goes without question that federal employees are some of the most intelligent and talented individuals on Earth.  So, it shouldn't be hard for us to come up with ways to make a little extra scratch while awaiting Congress to get their shit together. Right?

So here's a list of some things that you can do to make money while the lights are out for the U.S. Government. 

Tee's List of Things You Can Do to Make Money While the Lights Are Out for the U.S. Government

1. Bake Sales.  Get out your pots and pans and bake up your tastiest tarts and treats and head to a high traffic location.  I suggest Capitol Hill.  I mean those jabronis are still getting paid, why couldn't they spare a Jackson or a Franklin for a few cupcakes? Someone suggested that some of Minnie's Terrible Awful be added to the menu. I ain't saying that's right... but I do understand.
2. Tutor.  Find some kids and teach the hell out of them.  If this shutdown has taught us nothing it's that America's educational system needs a complete do-over.  The Tea Party doesn't know how a bill becomes law. Congress doesn't know simple math.  Democrats don't know how to play well with others. None of the fools understand that nothing from nothing equals nothing!  If all else fails you can teach the kids to write an angry letter so they can tell folks how they really feel.  The Kid is sharpening his #2 pencil as we speak.
3. Dance. Honey use what you got to get what you want. Do something strange for a piece of change. Get up on your elbows and show the boys what you know.  Apparently, there are a lot of openings for these kinds of gigs on Craigslist.  I know you probably think it's wrong of me to suggest that you do some shake dancing. And well, you're right.  I considered telling you to teach a dance class to the members of Congress since they are the only folks with money these days.  But those fools are already great at dancing.  They shuffle off to Buffalo around all the damn issues.  They have the ole soft shoe situation on lock, so all we got left is the pole.  You might see me out there.  I got dibs on all the quarters, I got a few Crown Royal bags that need filling.
4. Chill. If I've learned nothing in these long hours as an unemployed American, I've learned that doing nothing is hard damn work!! I mean, the amount of energy that it takes to sit still and not do a damn thing? Chile... let me tell you something.  Ratchet hoes need to teach a class on how to properly not be shit.  Because I'm certain I'm doing it all wrong.  I keep trying to think of things to do, when what I really should be doing is eating cheesesteaks, Oreos, watching Maury, and waiting on our unemployment checks.  Think about it, the average government employee has been working for like 107 years.  Folks need a break.  We all need to drink a tall glass of sit the hell down and let the brown envelopes roll in! 
5. Beg. Get yourself a cardboard sign and hit the streets.  Most panhandlers I see are at intersections. You know, making sure they awkwardly look every driver in the eye and guilt them into handing over scratch.  I say you hit a spot like Charlie Palmer's.  I figure if you put something clever on your sign like "Congress had a shutdown and all I got was this lousy sign" or "#blamecongress" or "If you want me to leave... call Harry Reid (and put some change in this cup)." You'll probably get a few dollars before security tosses you out onto Constitution Avenue.   

Well, that's all I can think of right now.  I mean there's also selling plasma, ova, sperm, roses, orange, eggs, kidneys, limbs, and co-workers on the black market, but you asked me for creative ways to make money.  I'm pretty sure that stuff is standard. 

Diary of An Unemployed American: Day 2

I've been unemployed for 2 days.  Well technically 2.5 since I had to work a half day the first day to "initiate shutdown protocols." Which really meant turning off my computer, locking my desk, and playing Candy Crush until they told me to leave. 

I don't know what to do with myself.  I've been trying as hard as I can to lay low and not be ratchet. I don't know how long that will last though.  If you leave me out on these streets to my own devices there's really no telling what I can get into.

If something pops off and you see me on CNN.... blame Congress. 

I woke up at 4:30 this morning like I had a job to go to.  I wonder how long it will take for me to be able to sleep until 2 in the afternoon? 

I have nothing planned today.  

Well, that's not true.  I did just plan a murder.  Well, okay, maybe not a murder.  Perhaps a simple assault.  Why? Because my husband told me to pause Duck Dynasty so he could show me this booooolshid.  

I'm certain he does these kinds of things to see what my reaction will be.  Normally, I wouldn't be so violent but I'm unemployed dammit!! So.... today's reaction will involve an ice pack for his eye. 

He can blame Congress.  I know I am.

Government Shutdown: A Journal

Hey, I know it's been a while.  I've been sleep.  Just call me Tee Van Winkle. *shrug*

Anyway, I've decided to try and keep some kind of journal during this clusterfuck that is the government shutdown.  Hopefully, I won't get red-flagged or waterboarded.

If you don't hear from me or see me call Olivia Pope. 

Serenity. Courage. Wisdom - Part 2

I got another tattoo yesterday. Three words on my left wrist: serenity, courage, wisdom. A while ago I wrote about why these three words mean so much to me. 

I'd been going back and forth about getting a new tattoo for several months now. So why yesterday instead of 3 months ago? Well, yesterday a friend of mine and I were talking about it so I decided to do it. But that conversation (which was EPIC by the way) is not the only reason why I pulled the trigger.

My anxiety came back. 

For months I've been good. So good that I even stopped carrying my meds around in my purse. I didn't need my 911 pack anymore because I hadn't been dealing with any symptoms. No panic attacks. No insane heart palpitations. No tears.  

But some stuff I thought I got rid of came back and combined itself with some new stress and... BOOM. That elephant was sitting on my chest again. 

I had to remind myself that I cannot change the behaviors of others. I can only change how I react to their behavior. I had to remember that everything is not worth getting riled up and angry about. Some things just aren't worth the fight. 

My peace of mind is far more important than trying to right someones wrongs.

That's what this tattoo means to me. It's a constant reminder that I am more important than whatever the struggle I am going through at the time. I may not be able to control what other people do, but I can control how I react to them.

Serenity. Courage. Wisdom. 

No a tattoo didn't give me those things. It didn't miraculously make my anxiety go away either. I certainly wasn't expecting that. But in some ways I do feel better. 

It's like I have a permanent security blanket. And constant comfort is kind of what I need right now. 

Random Thoughts of an Insomniac

No sleep tonight. I've been laying in the dark and playing Candy Crush Saga for hours.  Even those delightful little candies couldn't keep my thoughts at bay...

• I've started like 6 different entries since my last post. I just can't figure out a way to finish them.  I get an idea and start writing, I just can't close the way I want to.  This must be what it feels like to need a little blue pill...

• I'm only "funny" when I'm sad or super stressed.  The worse I feel the better the one-liners, pot shots, and zingers I give.   

• I'm certain I have the worst case of Mean Girl Syndrome ever recorded in history. 

• EVERYONE is an unsub. Trust no one.  Keep 911 on speed dial and your mace locked and loaded. Stranger danger is real. 

• Prince's afro makes him look like a little Vietnamese lady who trying to be down with the movement.

• Beyonce's ass bet not be pregnant.  Heffa had me jumping through hoops and learning new languages for these damn tickets.  I want to see her stop, drop, roll, pop, lock, Wop, tick, tut, freeze, flip, and flop.  I won't get that if she has a gut full of Carter. 

• I bet the person that won the Powerball is 87 year old retiree with an oxygen tank and 13 cats. 

• I wonder if I can get dual-citizenship in Colorado? 

• Why are all of the houses I want so damn expensive? Ya girl has Ace of Spade dreams on a PBR budget.

• I didn't twist my hair. Gonna be living that Arnold Drummond life today...

• Why are chin hairs so sneaky?

• No news for me for the next few days... my heart can't take it.

• Classical music makes my heart smile.

• So does A$AP Rocky.

Okay that's enough... I'm going to try to lay down for a little while. 

I AM Changing!

Amen.

I posted that on Instagram a few weeks ago. I don't even remember what the situation was, I just know that I was doubting myself and somebody came along and confirmed that I shouldn't have been feeling that way.

Well, the same thing happened today. I've been wondering if people could see that changes that I've made as well as I can see them. I've been questioning myself and wondering if what I've done is enough. I know it's not. I know I still have miles and miles of road to travel. I don't know, I guess I'm expecting a neon light or something to float above my head to let folks know there's no danger here... well not as much. 

Anyway, I'm talking a walk on my break at work. I'm feeling down and wondering what else I can do and not really coming up with anything. I duck into the ladies room and almost run into one of the women on the custodial staff. 

We had the following conversation:

Her: You are the girl from the cafeteria.

Me: Ma'am?

Her: You are the girl from the cafeteria. Every time I see you, you have a smile on your face. You always laughing and just enjoying yourself. That makes me smile.

Me: Really?

Her: Oh yes. You always bring me joy.

Me: Wow. Thank you. I guess I just don't have anything to complain about. I'm blessed.

Her: We ALL are.

Then she walked out of the restroom. 

I had never spoken to or even noticed the woman before. But to know that she had seen me. That I had blessed her life in some kind of way! When I tell you I wanted to shout and shuffle in that place? Wooo chile! Ain't no footwork appropriate enough for the magnitude of my feelings. 

SHE BLESSED ME. 

Sometimes God will knock you over the head with the answer to your questions. And for a hardheaded person like me...that's exactly what I need. And he certainly mollywhopped me today.

I have been called a lot of names in my life. But I don't ever recall a time where anyone accused me of being happy. Certainly not a person that brings joy. 

I AM changing. And somebody noticed. Epic y'all. Epic.

Beyonce' knows how I feel...

Promises + Lessons + Decisions = New Beginnings

Today is the last day of 2012.

The 364 days before this one have been full of all kinds of lessons for me. As I sit here writing, I know that I am light years away from where I was on January 1. I've laughed, loved, and lived a lot harder than I have in years. I feel like I look different. Like I walk taller. Like I'm 20 pounds lighter. Even my thoughts are not the same as they used to be. This year, I decided follow my homegirl Erykah Badu's advice and stop being a bag lady. 

Life is far too short to sweat the small things. And it's really way too short to spend a lot of extra time on the big things. Everything is not as important as I want it to be. Learning how to prioritize my issues has been valuable. Now I don't go off the deep end for every little thing.

It's so easy to act a certain way when you feel like you are the only person that is feeling those feelings. But I've learned that thinking that way is wrong. One of my favorite bible verses is, "What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun." (Ecclesiastes 1:9 NIV) These words have made a huge impact on the way that I live my life now. The way that I interpret them gives me comfort. There are people who have survived the same things that I have. There are people who have survived worse.

These days I find it quite selfish of me to want to whine about my horrible coworkers or my relationship problems when there are people who are literally fighting for their lives. I think I am doing a disservice to humanity to be pissed off for days because I didn't like the way somebody talked to me or because of the way I perceived a person to treat me. It's shameful to want to stay angry and be hateful, just because. 

I've decided that my happiness will not be tied to other people. My goals should not be set based on what other people are doing. I dictate the amount of joy that enters my life. 

There are so many things that I am supposed to do before I leave this Earth. I will never get them done if I keep dragging all the baggage with me. That mess is an anchor. It keeps you grounded when you are supposed to fly. 

2012 was the year for me to find my wings. In 2013, I'm going to soar.

Enough IS Enough

Amen.

I saw this posted on PostSecret this morning. It really struck a chord with me. The idea of knowing that I am "enough" is a constant struggle for me. After seeing this secret, I immediately knew that I should write about it, but I couldn't really find the words.

It has taken me almost 14 hours to come up with the following paragraphs...

Like many females, I have struggled with maintaining my self-esteem. I have been in situations that led me to compare myself to other people. I questioned why my skin wasn't the right color. Why my hair isn't straight enough. Why my legs aren't long enough. I wondered what made other women more desirable or likable than me. I have looked to men to validate me. I have looked for permission from others to accept myself (or who I thought I was) .

Over the years, I have accepted and allowed a lot of things for no other reason than because I thought I deserved it. I thought that because I didn't measure up, what I was getting was the perfect portion for me. Only recently have I realized that I haven't been getting my fair share. That I deserve so much MORE. But I've also realized that I will never get more until I accept the fact that I that there is room inside me for what's in store.

So every day, beginning as soon as I open my eyes, I start saying positive affirmations like the one on PostSecret. Slowly, but surely, I am beginning to believe the words that I say. I'm not completely there yet. And honestly, I don't know if I will ever be 100%, but my goal is to get as close to that as I can.

I have the power. I have to believe that. I may never be the tallest, skinniest, or even the prettiest girl in the room. But I will always be the best me that I can be.

And that is more than enough.

Revelations

When I started this blog it was supposed to be a form of therapy for me. My plan was to come here and discuss whatever was on my heart and my mind. I haven't written often, but when I have I tried to write as honestly as I could.  I can only write about my own personal experience. I only know about my happiest moments.  I can only recall my heartache. I can only learn from my mistakes. When I started writing about these things I was fearful.  I didn't know what people would think of me when they saw that I really do have a therapist. What would they say when they found out that I suffered from anxiety and depression?

The 30 Day Challenge that I recently completed was a great help to me. It made me use my brain in ways that I haven't used it in a very long time. But mostly, it made me open up about some things that have been going on in my life that I hadn't revealed to anyone.  It provided a way for me to look at myself in a way that I never had before.

Publicly, I've always had copious amounts of self-esteem, but I never really viewed myself as a particularly strong person.  In fact, because of some of the decisions that I've made, I saw myself as pretty weak. But completing that challenge showed me some things about myself that I hadn't realized before.

I'm a survivor. I've been through a LOT and I have a lot to say. My voice is important. My words have power. I am much stronger than I ever realized. And even if my message goes no further than this little blog, the fact that I'm even saying these things "out loud" really does make a difference.

It's taken me quite a while to realize this. However, over the past few weeks I've received emails, texts, and inbox messages from readers telling me that they see something beautiful in the way that I write. They say that something I said helped them figure out a problem that they were having. I've been told that people can see themselves in the things that I write. This is amazing to me. Because although helping others was not my intent, I'm proud that my mess has some kind of positive effect on someone.

Ain't it purrty?

I never imagined that I would get so much support and honest input and reactions from people when I started this blog. But I'm happy that it's turned out this way. I don't propose to know all the answers. In fact, I certain I don't know the answer to most. But this blog isn't about having answers anyway. I'm just writing about my life as I live it. And even though I usually end up in tears when I'm writing, I gain confidence with every keystroke. 

It took longer than it should have, but I'm seeing the purple in this situation. I think it's quite beautiful. 

30 Day Challenge: Day 19 - Write a Letter to Yourself 10 Years Ago

Dear 24 year old me,

I just thought I’d write you a letter to show you how much you’ve grown over the last decade.  You wouldn’t believe everything that’s happened since you turned 24.

You’re a mom now. Can you believe that? Close your mouth.  Yep the person that said her uterus would never be the home to a fresh zygote actually brought a life into the world.  And he is the love of your life and one of your very best friends.  There’s nothing you wouldn’t do for him.  You will protect him at all costs.  You sacrifice all of your selfish wants to make sure that he has all of his needs and his wants, plus some wants of other people because he’s spoiled rotten.  Because of your impatience with stupid children, you will make sure that he knows how to read and write before he’s 2.  Because you refuse to “wipe a grown man’s ass” he’s potty trained around that time too. He will be an awesome conversationalist, because sometimes he’s the only person you really want to talk to.  He shares your love of good music, snark, cheeseburgers, and super heroes.  There will be times when you wonder if you are making the right decisions for him.  There will be times when you are afraid that your hang ups and fears are affecting him adversely.  Don’t worry.  He’ll be just fine.  So far, there are no signs that he’s an Unsub. In fact he’s one of the most amazing and loving human beings you know.  And if you didn’t do something right, you know I wouldn’t say that.  You’ve done okay for a woman who doesn’t even like kids.

You have been married for 11 years now.  At some point during the marriage, however, your heart will get broken, shattered even.  Because of the pain from that, there will be days when you don’t want to go on. Days where you don’t shower, get out of bed, or brush your teeth.  Depression will become a major factor in your life.  Remember all of the mantras in the mirror that you always say? “I’m awesome, because God said so!” “Mirror girl I don’t even have to waste our time asking.  We both know who’s the fairest!” etc. etc.  In 10 years you hold those kinds of things close, because there will be days when you don’t feel so great about yourself.  And those rules you have? That list of things that you would never accept while in a relationship? Every single thing that you said you would never accept, you will.  I’m not telling you this to scare you or bring you down.  I’m telling you this to prepare you.  You need to know that everything about life isn’t rainbows and unicorns.  You are not immune to hurt.  You are also not immune to healing.  There will be some very tough years. Extremely tough. But bit by bit, you will build yourself up again.  You won’t be the same girl that you are right now.  But that’s not a bad thing.  Because of what you’ve learned from these dark days, you will be more independent, more understanding, and less judgmental.  Your heart will open in ways that you never imagined they could.  At 24 you are incapable of forgiving.  At 34, you won't be able to imagine a reason not to be.

If I recall correctly at 24 the circumference of your circle of trust was pretty substantial.  At 34? Not so much.  Some friendships you ended because you just couldn’t deal with the pettiness and cattiness that came with them.  Others you simply grew out of.  The ones you thought you couldn’t live without? You don’t miss.  The ones that you missed found their way back into your life somehow.  I blame Facebook.

You moved to the East Coast.  A semi-traumatic move for your Mother but it was pretty awesome for you.  You have a job that you actually enjoy, some of the people you work with are pretty damn cool, and you can breathe.  Living in that one horse town in KY stifled you. It made you feel like you were drowning.  Now every day you see people who look like you who have careers and lofty goals.  You can go to a concert without having to travel 2 hours away.  And even though you are 20 minutes away from one of the grimiest cities in the nation, you are not afraid.  That’s a big change for a person who let fear dictate her life for so long.

Let’s see, what else has happened in the 10 years since I’ve seen you?

You are seriously contemplating getting your tattoos removed.  Something you said you would never do when you got them.  You know because each one meant something and was special? Pfft!! Girl you can’t wait to take a laser to those things.  But not because you are anti-tattoo, you’re just anti-the tattoos that you have.

Your love of handbags is now bordering on addiction.  However, with the help of good consignment stores you are able to get the bags that you like without really breaking the bank all of the time.

You’ve grown 2 inches, but nobody believes you.

You went natural. And you love it. 

You have shaved your head...twice.

You stopped biting your nails and developed a nasty O.P.I. habit.

See? A LOT can happen in a decade. Certainly a lot has happened to you.  But the one thing that has happened that matters the most is that you’ve grown.  You are a much better human being at 34 than you were at 24.  I’m sure you don’t like hearing that, because at 24 you think you are the greatest thing that the Good Lord ever saw fit to create. But it's true. Thirty-four year old you runs circles around 24 year old you.

You are a better sister. You are a better mother. You are a better friend.  You are a better person overall. Why? Because you've dealt with grief with your head held high.  You've dealt with disappointment with a smile on your face.  You've conquered your fears with laughter. You still find reasons to live and love.  And you still find time to look fly. 

Love always,

You at 34

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 14 - Dream Wedding

Most girls dream of the wedding where they get to dress up like a Princess and meet Prince Charming at the end of the aisle.

Well, I did that 11 years ago.  And let me tell you something people.  It was the biggest damn headache of my life!! 

Almost 2 years of planning culminated into an event with over 400 guests, about 100 of them uninvited. There were almost 20 people in the wedding party to keep track of. A soloist didn't show up.  There was a monsoon.  The ring bearer hid the pillow so he wouldn't have to walk down the aisle.  One of my bridesmaids didn't get a French Manicure as requested. My father refused to remove his Blue Blockers.  I didn't get to eat any of the delicious food that I'd carefully selected because of my nerves and people kept talking to me. 

By the end of the night my nerves were fried!! All that meeting and greeting.  People I barely knew touching me and talking to me.  I don't know what I was thinking when I said I wanted a big wedding.  Hubby just wanted to go to the Justice of the Peace or Vegas.  The thought was an affront to my betrothed Southern sensibilities.

If I had to do it all over again, I'd hop on a plane and disappear.

So my dream wedding? Me, the man I love, and a clergy man.  Alone on a beach with white sand and turquoise water.  Wearing white linen and no shoes.  I may or may not be drunk.  The end.  I don't have time for theatrics and shenanigans. My dream wedding is about US, not the show that we can put on for everybody else.

Yep, next time it will be simpler. No anxiety attacks or Bridezilla-esque emotional breakdowns. Just us, Jesus, and an ocean breeze. Sweet.

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 8 - Has your heart ever been broken? Have you ever broken a heart?

Who wrote these questions? Sweet baby Jesus you are a meddling such and such ain't you?

Anyway, to answer the questions: yes and yes. I used to think my heart had been broken several times. Now I know that those times were just hurt feelings. A real broken heart causes real physical pain. It takes a very long time to recover from it. In my opinion, it's one of the closest times a person can come to experiencing death without completely crossing over. I've only felt that way one time in my life. I'm still not 100%. Sometimes I don't think I ever will be.

Not being able to breathe without hurting? Nausea? No appetite? Headaches? Depression? Anxiety? Been there and done all of that and some more. All because the person that I loved decided that they didn't love me as much as they should have. Or maybe they couldn't love me as much as I deserved.  I haven't quite figured it out yet, but I'm working on it.

I try not to be jaded and evil (well at least not because of what somebody else did to me, some of that is just a character flaw) and hold old hurts against new people. Nobody likes to hang around the mean old bag lady. I don't do a lot of asking "why me" or "what could I have done different" anymore. Dwelling on things that I can't control doesn't help the healing process.

It's an odd feeling realizing that the one you want to be with is the one that has the power to hurt you the most. That's why I've tried as hard as I can to never make someone experience the hurt that I felt when my heart was broken. I figured that I was doing a pretty good job until someone told me that I wasn't. It seems that I've been leaving a trail of broken hearts behind me for decades now. I mean, don't get me wrong I knew that folks were quite taken with my greatness, but I never knew that they felt bad once I moved on. But apparently, that's part of how I hurt guys the most. It's very easy for me to walk away and not give a person a second thought. Not because I don't think that they matter, mainly because I don't think they are important anymore. That's pretty harsh, huh? Damn. *light bulb moment*

And then after the heartbreak, you end up in limbo. Hurt, damaged, and angry. Still able and wanting to love. Knowing that that love can hurt you, but going after it anyway. It's like stepping into a cage at the zoo. You know there's a possibility that you are going to be ripped to shreds, but you just have to have a closer look because there's a chance that you might not get shredded.

Heartbreak sucks big ones.

The Color Purple: An Introduction

Welcome to Notice Purple.

About Me
I'm Tee. I'm a 34 year old mother of 1 rambunctious 8 year old. I'm a Cancer with Gemini tendencies.  I'm from the mean streets of Louisville, KY, but I currently reside in suburban Baltimore, MD.  I went to college for a few years. I have a job. I have an unhealthy obsession with handbags and shoes. I drive a foreign car.  I run when my bum ankle approves mobile activities. I love to read. I love to write.

Writing about inappropriate topics that make me laugh is kind of a hobby of mine. The things that make me laugh usually make other people laugh, but honestly that's kind of a side effect of things. I would never call myself a comedienne.  In fact, I really don't even think I'm all that funny.  Most of the time when people laugh they are laughing at something that I was being serious about.  Sometimes that's frustrating, not knowing if people are taking you seriously, because I'm actually a pretty serious person. But usually, I just go with the flow and laugh with them. Because the smiles and the laughter bring so much joy to my mundane life.

Mundane? Yea, my life boring as all hell. Sometimes I get adventurous and watch the wildlife in the woods behind our house from the windows. However, the fact that I have trouble distinguishing a fawn from a chiuaua kind of kills all of the fun in that. I work a regular 9-5 that stresses me out. But not enough to make me go postal...yet. I don't do much socializing, because I'm not a very social person. This doesn't mean I'm not friendly. It just means that I'm not really fond of dealing with people outside of places where it's mandatory. On occasion I'll go to happy hour with friends and wild out with a half of a margarita or a couple of sips of sangria. Oh and then there are the trips to pop tags at Target. Now that's when things really get off the damn chain!! Popcorn, Icee's and shopping?! That's living the dream right there folks!

Well, that's enough about me. I'm pretty sure you'll be learning much more about me in the future, if I keep up with writing on here like I'm supposed to.

About The Blog
I chose the name Notice Purple for several different reasons.  None of them exceptionally deep (unless you think they are...then I'm the most profound person you know).

Purple is my favorite color.  Alice Walker is my favorite author. The Color Purple is my favorite book.  But mainly I chose it because of this quote from The Color Purple: "I think it pisses God off when you walk by the color purple in a field and don't notice it."

That one quote is pretty much how I live my life.  I notice things.  I always look for the color purple.  Sometimes the purple is bright and vivid, sometimes it's a peaceful pastel.  When I find it, I point it out.  I don't ignore the obvious, even when people obviously want to ignore it.

The color purple can make you laugh, cry, or think. Sometimes it's so bright that you can't bear to look it dead on.  Other times it's so muted that you could miss it if there are other colors hanging around.

So that's what I'm going to write about here. The color purple. Because I don't want to piss God off.