Diary of an Unemployed American: Federal Freebie Edition NSFW

I've been doing my best to perfect my ability to do nothing.  Things are actually going pretty well.  Yesterday, I actually slept until 6:45 am.  #thuglife

Because I have no job and therefore have no money, I've also been spending a lot of time looking for people who will give me shit for free.  Hey, I'm pretty sure you're judging me right now, chile I ain't got no worries.  As much as I pay in taxes when I am earning money leads me to believe that I deserve as much free stuff as these two arms can carry.  Hell, if they let me toss some stuff in the hatchback of my Hyundai I'll be doing that too. 

 Picture me rollin'.

So, anyway I was talking about free stuff for federal employees.  It's pretty much everywhere if you beg correctly.  I've gotten burgers, pizza, popcorn... there's a theme here.  I probably should be requesting... oh I don't know... free rent or free cable... but husky girls gotta live to. Don't judge.

People are really trying to do their part to make life a little easier for the unemployed federal workers.  In fact, there's one company that is trying to make life super sweet for some of us that have too much time on our hands.

Imagine my surprise when this landed in my inbox.  

Company offers free vibrators to federal employees furloughed in the government shutdown

Vibrators.com says it is prepared to ship up to 200 vibrators per day to federal workers who, due to the shutdown, may "have a little too much time" on their hands.

BY DAVID KNOWLES / NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

MONDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2013, 4:14 PM

A Michigan company is offering free vibrators to government employees furloughed in the current government shutdown.

VIBRATORS.COM

Vibrators.com is offering free vibrators to furloughed federal employees for the duration of the current government shutdown. Never has a government shutdown proven so sexually arousing.

Vibrators.com recently announced the promotion, which the company says will last as long as the impasse between House Speaker John Boehner and President Obama drags on.

“Are you a federal employee that has been deemed non-essential?” an ad for the giveaway states. “Do you have a little too much time on your hands and nothing to do? Is the recent government shutdown to blame?”

Vibrators.com founder Tom Nardone came up with the publicity stunt, which has so far been warmly received by federal employees left out in the cold.

“We are going to fill as many orders as we can,” Nardone said in a comment thread of an article in Cosmopolitan announcing the promotion. “We figure we can ship out 200 or so a day without slowing down the shipments of other customers.”

With an estimated 800,000 federal employees currently waiting out the government shutdown and no clear end for the standoff in sight, Vibrators.com may yet find itself hard put to fill all of the orders it receives. That prospect doesn’t seem to be deterring the company, however. 

“As vibrator enthusiasts, we want everyone to experience the pleasure that a nice vibrator can bring to partners and individuals,” Vibrators.com said in its ad. “Besides, we know you have some free time, why not try something new?”

DKnowles@nydailynews.com 

@writerknowles

Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/company-offers-free-vibrators-furloughed-federal-employees-article-1.1478767#ixzz2h8LDjO5k

Word?

Folks are out of work.  Some people don't know how they are going to feed their kids or pay their bills... and y'all think a pocket rocket will help? Because we have more "time on our hands"?

No sir!!!

I guess it's the thought that counts. 

Somebody call me when Five Guys starts giving away cheeseburgers.  Because that's the only kind of freebie I care to take seriously. 

Diary of An Unemployed American: Day.... 3, I Think But Don't Quote Me On That...

I'm not sure how long I've been unemployed.  It feels like forever.  All of the days are beginning to run to together.  I haven't been this out of it since that one time in undergrad when I thought it would be a good idea to mix NoDoz and Pepsi.  

I don't understand how people live this aintshit lifestyle.  Doing nothing is hard damn work.  








Right now I my head is half full of twists... I look like a strange hybrid of Gary Coleman and Coolio.  And let me tell you honey... that picture you see in your head ain't nowhere near how unacceptable I'm looking right now. 

I blame John Boehner.  His coif is always perfection.  But I'm walking these streets looking like depression and dastardly deeds. 

My nails look like I've been walking on my hands through broken glass and lava rock.  If it wasn't for this shutdown, I'd be sitting in Holly's chair getting my hands and feet dipped in hot wax and getting the leg massage of life. But let me tell you something my friend, cheese and crackers ain't cheap.  So since I don't have a job I have to sacrifice that awesomeness for food and water. 

That's all Nancy Pelosi's fault.  I bet my paycheck... well if I had one, that she has her nails done.  Ole well put together heffa.

I woke up this morning and I had bruises and scratches on my knee and it was swollen.  I'm pretty sure I walked into a wall or something last night.  If I had a job I would only have a reason to want to drink... but no time to act on it.  Therefore, I wouldn't play full contact sports with shit that don't move.  And my knee wouldn't look like it has it's own heartbeat.  

That's all Mitch McConnell's fault.  His old hateful ass probably put a arthritic root on me so I'd  walk around all frail like him.  Ole geriatric jerk.

Well, I guess I'll go to sleep or something.  Maybe when I wake up this nightmare will be over.