My Best Friends

I don't have a lot of friends. I never have. I've just never been the I have to have a lot of friends type.

Wanna know something else? Every friend I have made me be their friend. I tried as hard as I could to be antisocial, unfriendly, and pretty much an all around jerk to make them go away. 

Turns out, that kind of stuff is what makes real friends stay. Every single one of them saw through that tough outer shell that I have and got to know the real me. (See also, yesterday's post)

For that reason, I feel like it's disrespectful to pick out one and say that he or she is the "best." They all show me their best self and I do my best to show them the same. 

Every single one of my friends is awesome and special to me. I know I don't tell them as often as I should that I love them and admire them. But I do. 

I don't tell them enough I'm proud of them. But I am. 

I don't talk to them as much as I should. I always say that I'm going to get rid of them. Some of them I even threaten with murder. But they take all terroristic threats with love so don't be calling the people on me. 

So instead of me talking about my best friend. I've decided to tell you why my friends are the best. I made a list. Because that's what I do. 

Deal.

Reasons Why My Friends Are The Best

1. They get me. The weird sense of humor, sarcasm, wit, shadiness. They get all of it. And they entertain it. 
2. They know what I've been through and they don't judge me for it.
3. They always know the right moment to call or send a text to check on me or make me laugh.
4. They don't let me disappear.
5. They bail me out of jail.
6. They will always throw the first punch in a fight for my honor. 
7. They make me smile.
8. They have cute kids that don't act like heathens and make me want to punt them out of the room.
9. They believe in me. Even when I don't believe in myself.
10. They know I'm not as hard I try to make folks believe, but they never call me on it.
11. They send me snacks because they know my options here in the frozen tundra are slim.

So there. Ten reasons plus a bonus on why my friends are better than your friends. 

You mad?

Questions for An Unemployed American

Unemployed American Beauty asks: Ms. Winkle, what are creative things people can do to make money in this shutdown??


It goes without question that federal employees are some of the most intelligent and talented individuals on Earth.  So, it shouldn't be hard for us to come up with ways to make a little extra scratch while awaiting Congress to get their shit together. Right?

So here's a list of some things that you can do to make money while the lights are out for the U.S. Government. 

Tee's List of Things You Can Do to Make Money While the Lights Are Out for the U.S. Government

1. Bake Sales.  Get out your pots and pans and bake up your tastiest tarts and treats and head to a high traffic location.  I suggest Capitol Hill.  I mean those jabronis are still getting paid, why couldn't they spare a Jackson or a Franklin for a few cupcakes? Someone suggested that some of Minnie's Terrible Awful be added to the menu. I ain't saying that's right... but I do understand.
2. Tutor.  Find some kids and teach the hell out of them.  If this shutdown has taught us nothing it's that America's educational system needs a complete do-over.  The Tea Party doesn't know how a bill becomes law. Congress doesn't know simple math.  Democrats don't know how to play well with others. None of the fools understand that nothing from nothing equals nothing!  If all else fails you can teach the kids to write an angry letter so they can tell folks how they really feel.  The Kid is sharpening his #2 pencil as we speak.
3. Dance. Honey use what you got to get what you want. Do something strange for a piece of change. Get up on your elbows and show the boys what you know.  Apparently, there are a lot of openings for these kinds of gigs on Craigslist.  I know you probably think it's wrong of me to suggest that you do some shake dancing. And well, you're right.  I considered telling you to teach a dance class to the members of Congress since they are the only folks with money these days.  But those fools are already great at dancing.  They shuffle off to Buffalo around all the damn issues.  They have the ole soft shoe situation on lock, so all we got left is the pole.  You might see me out there.  I got dibs on all the quarters, I got a few Crown Royal bags that need filling.
4. Chill. If I've learned nothing in these long hours as an unemployed American, I've learned that doing nothing is hard damn work!! I mean, the amount of energy that it takes to sit still and not do a damn thing? Chile... let me tell you something.  Ratchet hoes need to teach a class on how to properly not be shit.  Because I'm certain I'm doing it all wrong.  I keep trying to think of things to do, when what I really should be doing is eating cheesesteaks, Oreos, watching Maury, and waiting on our unemployment checks.  Think about it, the average government employee has been working for like 107 years.  Folks need a break.  We all need to drink a tall glass of sit the hell down and let the brown envelopes roll in! 
5. Beg. Get yourself a cardboard sign and hit the streets.  Most panhandlers I see are at intersections. You know, making sure they awkwardly look every driver in the eye and guilt them into handing over scratch.  I say you hit a spot like Charlie Palmer's.  I figure if you put something clever on your sign like "Congress had a shutdown and all I got was this lousy sign" or "#blamecongress" or "If you want me to leave... call Harry Reid (and put some change in this cup)." You'll probably get a few dollars before security tosses you out onto Constitution Avenue.   

Well, that's all I can think of right now.  I mean there's also selling plasma, ova, sperm, roses, orange, eggs, kidneys, limbs, and co-workers on the black market, but you asked me for creative ways to make money.  I'm pretty sure that stuff is standard. 

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 4: 10 Things You Would Tell Your 16 Year Old Self

10 things that I would tell my 16 year old self? This one is hard. Mainly because I barely remember what I was doing 20 minutes ago, let alone damn near 20 years ago. But I guess, I'll try...

1. Don't stop running. Ever.
2. Do not take your abs for granted. You won't have them forever.
3. Yea, he's cute...but he's not the reason your world should turn.
4. Explore your options. 
5. This is it homie. You won't be getting any taller.
6. Study. You won't be able to bullshit your way through college like you did high school.
7. Be nice.
8. Smile.
9. Don't be afraid to try something new.
10. Stay away from high heels. Your ankle will thank you later. 

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 1 - 20 Random Facts

OK, so I'm supposed to list 20 random facts about myself. This should be easy, I'm the most random person I know.


1. I'm a speed reader. I've been honing this skill since I was a kid. Not because I have a thirst for knowledge, but because I have a ridiculously short attention span and I need things to get over with quick.

2. I can identify most songs within seconds of them starting. I don't know why or how. I just can.

3. My head is full of random, useless information about everything from pop culture to past US Presidents. One of these days I'm gonna wreck shit on Jeopardy. 

4. I suck at remembering names and faces. But I always remember what a person was wearing. Always. 

5. I've been cursing like a sailor since the 70's.

6. I live my life like it's a musical. Every important moment is assigned a song and occasionally footwork.

7. I've never told a real joke in my life, but lots of people think I'm funny.

8. I cry everyday.

9. I'm afraid of possums, heights, and deep water.

10. I require 8 or more hours of sleep daily. Anything less results in a piss poor attitude and Arnold Drummond hair.

11. My inner fat girl's name is Zenobia. She is the boss of me.

12. I always talk about drinking, but I honestly rarely drink alcohol (once maybe twice a year). I don't like feeling out of control. I also like being sober enough to be able to recall all shenanigans and tomfoolery exhibited by drunk friends. 

13. I have committed my life to living out the following mantras: "Everyone is an Unsub" and "Stranger Danger is Real."

14. I read at least one book a week.

15. I hate white dress shoes, Wal-Mart, tardiness, ashiness, and bad feet.

16. The quickest way to my heart is to make me laugh.

17. I think I'm 6 feet tall. 

18. I collect premium denim, vintage handbags, frogs, funny t-shirts, and shoes.

19. I dance like a old white lady.

20. It may not seem like it, but I'm the nicest person you know. 

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 29 -Who would you invite to the perfect dinner party? (Dead, living, historical, famous, not famous...)

Now y'all know I'm no good with parties.

How many people do I invite? Should I consider seating arrangements? Should I have ice breakers so that the dead people can get acclimated to the living, and vice versa? Will there be a cocktail hour or do we just do a free for all at a buffet? I know for damn sure I wouldn't cook for all of these people.

Should the location be intimate? Or should it be open, just in case there are fisticuffs? If folks do start laying hands on each other, do I let them fight? You know...for the sake of history? Is the dress code black tie or Ones and tees? Is entertainment necessary? I mean my entertainment is going to be the people watching, but do I have to consider the boredom of others?

If I invite a deceased terrorist, should I also invite law enforcement to balance things out? Should there also be at least one or two MD's in the building? Or at least a nurse practitioner? Should there be a photographer to capture all the greatness? Or will we treat this like a meeting of the New World Order?

So many questions!! But anyway, here's my guest list:

Guest List for the Greatest Party Ever - Or at Least the One with the Highest Odds for Ratchetness

Adolf Hitler - I know, I know. But...I have questions. Lots and lots and LOTS of questions.
Malcolm X - I need to ask him how he feels about 21st century black people.
Martin Luther King, Jr. - I want to ask him if he feels like he wasted his time.
Michael Joseph Jackson - We are going to do P.Y.T. on the karaoke machine.

Ali! Boombaye!!

Muhammad Ali circa 1974 - The Rumble in the Jungle was AMAZING! Personally, I just want to hear the man talk shit.
Mary Minor - My great (emphasis on the great please) grandmother. The love of my life. I just want to see her again. And listen to her cuss.
Samuel L. Jackson - We'll share creative ways to use my favorite word: motherfucker.
Dave Chappelle - We'll swap people watching notes.
John Stewart - I'm hoping this party will become a segment on his show.
Barack Obama - Because every party needs a certain amount of cool.
Michelle Obama - Because I invited her husband and I don't want to get cut.
Bill Clinton - Willie C. is everything. Recognize this.
Hillary Clinton - See my reason for inviting FLOTUS.
El DeBarge - I want him to sing my name in that glorious falsetto. And then we'll hug it out.
Suri Cruise - She's a friend in my head. Check out Suri's Burn Book for all of the reasons why.
The Kid - Because he won't let me party without him.
Florence Griffith Joyner - I need to do a weave check. And ask her if she juiced.
Jay-Z - I want to hear him laugh. And also start a cypher. I'm certain Malcolm X has BARS! We'll find out.
Beyonce' - See my reasons for FLOTUS and Hillary Clinton.
Rick Ross - I'll make sure to have a trough full of KFC and anti-epileptic meds.
Brian Williams - SWOOOOOOON
All of Hubby's ex-girlfriends - We need servers and places to rest our feet. Right?
Olivia Pope - My date for the night.
Huck - We have to talk. I hope he feels comfy enough with me to give me some answers.
Aaron Hotchner (and the BAU) - I want them to interrogate/profile EVERYONE. All Unsubs will be removed from the premises.
Christian Grey - He can sit in a corner and brood.  I just want to stare at him anyway.
Shug Avery -We are kindred spirits, Shug and I. I want to remix Miss Celie's Blues.
Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis - Her style was impeccable.  I want to see it in person.
John F. Kennedy - I want to watch him troll the room for ladies.
Tupac Shakur - He's the GOAT. He has to be in the cypher.
Christopher Wallace - Him and Ricky Rozay can compare bra sizes.

Written by one of the greatest rappers of all times!

Theodor Giesel (Dr. Seuss) - I know y'all lived for One Fish. Two Fish. Red Fish. Blue Fish. back in the day. You better believe his gonna have a round in the cypher too!!
Paula Deen - well somebody has to cook the food
Bobby Flay - He's helping Paula.
Christina Aguilera - Dirty on karaoke. Judge me.
Mariah Carey - We are going trade shade on Nicki Minaj, Kim Kardashian and a host of others.
Bill Maher - There will be enough black women around to make him happy.
Joe Biden - The original gangsta. He's in there for sure.
Jill Biden - Joey B.'s boo is always welcome.

Of course my family and friends are invited. No party is complete without having to deal with their special brand of foolishness. This would be a great time I think. Not that I would really participate. Y'all know I'm a social weirdo. I'd watch it all from a dark corner while taking notes to tell stories later.

30 Day Writing Challenge - Day 27: If there was a movie about your life what actors would you cast and who would they play?

I'm not going to pull a Fantasia and try to play myself.  I have way too much pride to even fool myself into thinking I can do more than just tell the story.  Some of these people I picked because they actually remind me of the people in my life, others I picked because of their body of work and the type of characters that they usually play. I'm not saying this would be a blockbuster. In fact, I'm certain it will be a straight to DVD affair.  Unless of course I go against everything I believe in and put a bug in Tyler Perry's ear. Then maybe I'd get a play and then go straight to DVD.

Anyway here you go....

The Cast of Tee's Life Story

Adult Tee - Nia Long (really we can stop right here, none of the other actors matter)

Hubby - Idris Elba or Boris Kodjoe (this is a tough one for me)

The Kid - The Kid

Big Sis - Vanessa Williams (the one that played Keisha in New Jack City)

Lil Sis -  Zoe Saldana

Lil Bro #1 - Andre' 3000 or Wood Harris (I'm leaning towards 3 Stacks)

Lil Bro #2 - Maestro Harrell

Mama : Jennifer Lewis 

Daddy: Don Cheadle

Mama in Law: Octavia Spencer

BFF #1: Tika Sumpter

BFF #2: Jeffrey Wright or Taye Diggs

1st Boyfriend: Leon

1st BFF: Gabrielle Union

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 26 - When were the happiest days in your life?

Is this question asking about a particular time period in my life when the days were happiest? Or is it asking me to specifically name when the happiest moments in my life occurred? This is important. Well, at least it's important to me. I know it's a little anal (okay a LOT) but still, my mind won't rest until I know. Blame my 9-5 for this particular mental issue. I have to figure out word puzzles like this all day long.

Anyway, since it's obvious that I won't be able to get the answer to my questions any time soon, I guess I'll go with the option that I feel most comfortable with. I'll tell you some the happiest moments in my life as they occurred.  A timeline if you will.

The Happiest Moments in Tee's Life - A Timeline 

July 1978 - I was born. This is a happy moment for the universe. Citizens express their great joy by producing great displays of affection and honor through fireworks, parades, and backyard barbecues in my honor. 

March 1984 - I won my first spelling bee. This is a big deal for me. Words will always be important in my life.

April 2000 - I became a member of Alllllpha Kappa Allllllpha Sorority, INcorporated! I'm an AKA people, really no additional explanation is needed.

August 2001 - I's married now!! Rain, tears, and terrible 4 years olds couldn't stop it.

January 2004 - And baby makes 3.

August 2008 - Life changing job offer.

September 2008 - I discover that I am within 2 hours drive of several outstanding outlet malls. Kate Spade, Coach, Nordstrom Rack, Off 5th. My life is complete. 

August 2010 - I shave my head. This was a rebirth of sorts for me. Big effin deal. Trust.

March 2011 - LASIK surgery rids me of the need for horrible face pinching spectacles.

March 2012 - I bought my first car!! This is the first car I've ever had. It's the first one that I had that wasn't gifted to me. Bought and paid with my own money. Big effin deal. Trust.

July 2012 - Laser hair removal treatments begin. My quest to be hair free is real. You will never understand how much this decision has made my soul sing.

To be continued...

I'm certain there will be plenty of other moments that make me immensely happy. I look forward to experiencing them all. 

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 25 - What Are the 10 Most Significant Events In Your Life?

When I consider "significant", I'm assuming it means "life changing". It took me a while to come up with this list. It is in no particular order.

Ten Events that Changed Tee's Life (in no particular order)

1. Becoming a mother. January 13, 2004, quite possibly the scariest day of my life. I chronicled the details of that day already. See Labor Day. Other than the pain of that day. The scariest part was knowing that I would officially be responsible for the life of a new citizen of the universe. It was now the my job to make sure that he is educated. That he eats a well balanced diet. That he stays away from guttersnipes, scallywags, and trollops. And most importantly: that he is not so messed up that his story ends up on Criminal Minds. My biggest fear in life is raising an Unsub. So far I think I've done okay, but there are days when I'm not show sure. Any mother who has ever walked in on their child writing extensive plans for how The Ninja Turtles should invade and overthrow The Power Rangers knows what I'm talking about.
2. Going to college. I'm pretty sure most people consider this a normal event in life.  But that's not so much the case where I'm from. College is a privilege, not a forgone conclusion. The school that I went to was NOT my first choice. It wasn't even my second. But it was the school that I (meaning my parents) could afford. Yes, I was given a full academic scholarship. But I still had to eat and walking around naked was still illegal back in those days. If I had gone to the school I wanted to go to (Cornell University, Ithaca NY) my parents probably would have had to sell bone marrow, kidneys, and the occasional liver to make sure I made it 4 years without starving, even with my scholarships and grants. So, I sacrificed a want because I didn't want to run track anymore and wanted to stay on the academic road. But it turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. 
3. Leaving Kentucky. I've made 2 decisions in my life that SAVED my life. This one one of them. I left a place where I was sad and lonely all of the time.  Even though I was surrounded by friends and less than an hour away from family. Being in that place made me feel like I was in shackles. I never felt like I could reach my full potential. I was wasting away. And so, I constantly prayed for change.   Eventually, an opportunity for a substantial raise and change in scenery was presented to me. I took it and I haven't looked back. 
4. Being punished in Mrs. Jones' 1st Grade Class. Okay, I was only 6 but this was definitely a life changing moment for me. So, I was in Mrs. Jones' 1st grade class at Auburndale Elementary School. We were working on spelling, or at least the rest of the class was. I was sitting at my desk twiddling my thumbs because I was bored out of my mind. I'd been finished with the assignment for at least 15 minutes. I was contemplating getting up and running a lap around the classroom. Instead, for reasons that I could not explain then and can not explain now, I yelled out in my very finest playground voice "FUCK!!" And time stood still. Mrs. Jones, a portly brunette with the kindest, gentlest manner anyone can ever have came running to my desk. Her face was beet red. She says, "TEE, what on Earth did you just say?!?!?" And I calmly sat in my desk, straightened my back and said, "I said fuck Mrs. Jones. I just said fuck.". Without saying a word she grabs me by my arm, takes me to the front of the classroom, draws a circle on the board and tells me to put my nose in it.  Now this may not seem like adequate punishment to you, but you should know that I was probably smaller than most Kindergarteners when I was in the 1st grade. And Mrs. Jones drew that circle at at least 2nd grade height! I spent recess chilling in that corner with my nose in that circle on my damn tippy toes. I'm talking THE TIPS of my damn toes! Michael Joseph Jackson had not one damn thing on me that day. Anyway, all of that to say it changed my life because I never yelled out "fuck" in class again. I didn't stop using the word. But I learned enough from that incident to know that I should probably use my inside voice when saying it.
5. My First Trip to the Principal's Office. This time it was 4th grade. Mr. Villanova was the Principal of Bloom Elementary School. I can't even remember why I was in the office. I think it was for fighting, but I can't be sure. All I remember is sitting in this high backed chair that faced Mr. Villanova's desk. I remember him looking at me with extreme disappointment on his face. He said something like, "Tee, you are one of the good kids. There's no reason you should be sitting here right now." And then he picked up the phone and called my father. He told my father what my infraction was and then he said, "I'm just calling to verify that I have permission to paddle your child." And then he shook his head grimly and hang up the phone. He stood up with a stoic expression on his face. He took me by my hand and then took me to a corner in his office where a paddle was plugged into the wall. Yes, you heard me right. The damn thing was plugged into the gatdamn WALL!! It was metal, at least 15 feet long, and had cutouts all over it. It was plugged up so that it could heat up and vibrate to induce more pain. He told me to turn around. I wouldn't. He told me to turn around again. I wouldn't. He picked the paddle up. I screamed. He sat it down. I fainted. When I came to I was still in the office. My father was there. He was laughing at me. Apparently, this is the kind of shit evil parents and Principal's do when they have good children who want to act like problem children in order to scare the shit out of them and force good behavior. It worked. I didn't get caught doing any bad shit again. Well, until middle school.
6. Being placed in the Advanced Placement Program. So apparently I'm gifted. Or at least that's what somebody told my parents. And because I was a "gifted" kid, I was placed in the advanced program.  This meant leaving my home school and being shipped to a school that specialized in teaching nerds and the socially awkward.  That school was Bloom Elementary by the way. This happening to me set me on a path that would lead to many additional significant events in my life. I met my first best friend at Bloom. I met my first real boyfriend at Meyzeek Middle School (another school that catered to future bomb builders and bosses). I met my first track coach. The most important lesson that I learned that "gifted" kids are no different than "regular" kids. "Gifted" kids just have worse attitudes. 
7. The Million Dollar Question. When I was in the 7th grade at Meyzeek Middle School, I was sentenced to detention. Don't ask me why. I had a horrible attitude, so possibilities are endless.  Anyway, I was in detention. That days teacher was a man named Ronald Ramsey. Mr. Ramsey had a reputation for being a hard ass. And also a lunatic. Now, this didn't mean that he was a bad guy. In fact, he was probably one of the best teachers in the school. He just didn't take any shit off of anybody. And for that he was branded "crazy". I could relate. So there I was in detention. Mr. Ramsey was staring at me with an attitude. I was staring back with my own. After a few minutes of this Mr. Ramsey asks me, what I've since coined The Million Dollar Question. He says, "Why are you here?" Before I could retort with my own smartass rebuttal he continued, "And I don't mean, here in this place. I mean here. What are you doing with yourself? What are you going to do with your life?" And I was struck speechless. There I was, an advanced student and I couldn't come up with the answer. Those few short sentences changed my life. I had never NOT had the answer, for anything. I didn't like how that felt. And so, I decided, that day in detention that I would find some kind of purpose. Or at least as much purpose as a 12 year old can. I joined the track team. Turns out I was pretty fast. I started paying attention in class. And I slowed down on the snarkiness to teachers (a little). 
8. The first time I saw "New Jack City". Yes the acting in this movie is somewhat questionable. But the movie is chock full of life lessons. Just say no. Be your brother's keeper. Don't date strippers. Don't get high on your own supply. Never listen to a person with a gun who sings lullabies. Keith Sweat is available for weddings. Creepy old men can pop caps with the best of 'em. It's always business, never personal. You can't hide crack under titties. Light skinned guys will always be made the scapegoat. I love this movie with everything that is in me. That is all.
9. My first Coach bag. When I was 13 my mother began a tradition of getting her daughters new Coach bags for Christmas. My first one was a black cross-body satchel with brass details. I thought that bag was the most amazing thing in life. The leather smelled delightful. It was so soft and supple. Getting that bag started a fire inside of me that still burns today. I LIVE for an awesome handbag. I graduated from Coach into more high end brands. But honestly, brand doesn't matter. Give me some soft, buttery leather; great detail on the hardware, and enough room to carry my crap and you've got a sale. Handbags are my life.
10. The bus ride to Paducah, KY. Westside Track Club was on it's way to Paducah for a regional track meet. The bus was full of young track stars. I happened to be sitting next to one of the finest young men on the team. It was June 23 and he asked me to be his girl. I couldn't believe it. But it only took me like .08 seconds to say no. I didn't want to seem desperate or anything. He asked me again about 15 minutes later and I decided to end his misery. That was almost 20 years ago. Life changer.