Rest In Peace Michael Lee Thomas, Jr. aka Louis Keyz

Keylos Santana aka Lenny Keyvitz aka Goldfangas lol

On July 5, 2015, my brother, Michael Lee Thomas, Jr., was murdered. He was 33 years old.

He was a poet.

He was a musician.

He was a chef.

He was a confidant.

He was a father.

He was a son.

He was a brother.

He was an uncle.

He was a friend.

He mattered.

He was gentle.

He was kind.

He was logical.

He was a dreamer.

He was generous.

He was thoughtful.

He was a genius.

He mattered.

I loved that man with all of my heart.

He was special.

He was a friend to those who didn’t have any.

He was an anchor for 3 sisters who were known to fly off the deep end.

He was a comedian.

He was a peacekeeper.

He mattered.

He mattered.

His life mattered, but he was still taken away.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get over the pain that I feel. I don’t know if this hole in my heart will heal. I don’t know about much of anything these days.

But what you should know is that when you post #blacklivesmatter and #alllivesmatter they aren’t just cool hashtags to put up on your social media sites for shits and giggles.

There are names behind those hashtags. There are LIVES behind those hashtags. There are families and friends who are hurting behind those hashtags. Those hashtags mean something.

One of those names is Michael Lee Thomas, Jr.

Born on July 25, 1981, taken from us on July 5, 2015.

He mattered.

He still matters.

He will always matter to me.

My Worst Date

Today we are supposed to talk about our worst date.

However, I've never had a bad date. 

I know, I know. Lucky Tee. 

I mean, what can I say? I'm amazing and everyone that I've ever been on a date with makes sure that our activities reflect my awesomeness. 

There's also an outside chance that I warned people of possible suplexes and throat chops if they presented me with some low budget Dixie Dozen/Waffle House combo. 

I have standards people. I'll make sure they are met. By any means necessary. 

So anyway, there have been no bad dates. But I have had some really odd outings with men who were not my man. These usually occurred when I was out with girlfriends. Also, they were back in the days before I went straightedge, so keep that in mind when you judge me. 

Picture it. Louisville. 1997. The Elk's Lodge.

I was home from school for the weekend and my friend, Mahogany suggested that we go to the Elk's for some fun. Now I was all about this because whenever we went epic fuckery always ensued. How was I to know that on that night, I would be feeling the brunt of it all?

So we get dressed. I'm wearing a halter top and a long black skirt with splits on both sides. It was 1997. That was the hotness, try not to judge.

I'm on the dance floor amaretto sour in one hand, other hand caressing my Halle Berry cut like I'm super fine, and getting my life to this little ditty.

Now, I don't know if you know this about me or not, but I don't like folks in my personal space. There were two people next to me and I knew them both. Imagine my surprise when a large shadow covers us all and I feel the flesh of a stranger on my shoulders. It was covered by clothing...but still.

I froze. 

I'm talking mid-move. You would have thought we were playing Simon Says in that bitch.

I look to my right and Mahogany is looking up. And not just regular up. She's a tall girl and her neck was bent back 90 degrees.

That's when I knew that I was about to be accosted by Goliath. I went into fight or flight mode. Really, just flight because I ran off that floor so damn fast you would have thought that my ass was on fire.

Never dropped that drink though.

I found a seat at a table and finished off my drink. After a few minutes my homegirls walked up to the table laughing.

"He wants to meet you," they said.
"Who wants to meet me?" I ask with disdain.
"Him..."

And there was the shadow again. This time it covered two tables and scared a white lady into not liking black guys anymore.

I said the Lord's Prayer and looked up.

Wanna know what I saw?

Yep. That guy.

His name is Mark Henry. He's a wrestler. I didn't know that. I thought he was a University of Louisville football player, or at the very least a giant murderer. I was about 98.658% certain that he wanted to take me home, lock me in the basement, and boil me in a pot of Le Petite Black Girl Stew.

I didn't say a word. I got up and walked away.

He followed.

I'm certain this is what we looked like to everyone.

I couldn't get rid of him. 

After a while, I talked to him. We had what might go down in history as the shadiest conversation I've ever had with another human being.

Him: I'm Mark Henry.
Me: That's nice. 
Him: What's your name, beautiful?
Me: That will do.
Him: What? Beautiful?
Me: Yep.
Him: So Beautiful, what are you drinking on?
Me: Water from this point on.
Him: Gotta keep that body right huh?
Me: Some of us care about that kind of thing.
*He rubs his belly.*
Him: You don't like it?
Me: No sir. I don't.
Him: Can I take you out?
Me: Why?
Him: I like you. I can tell we would have a good time.

At this point I'm afraid. Why? Because I'm certain he's a serial killer and he wants to use my skin for an arm brace.

Mahogany comes and saves me. We leave.

As we are walking across the parking lot. He shows up. If you didn't know, Mark Henry moves like a damn ninja. Never seen a big be so damn stealthy.

He asks for my number and a date again.

Mahogany turns around and yells "NO! Shit!"

And then we went home and saw on the television that he had recently signed a contract with the WWF for like $20 million dollars. 

The moral of this story? Never go to the Elk's Lodge. 

Swear this is what he looked like once that Yack took hold of 'em

Next time I'll tell you about a crush who went all Hulk smash when another man (a friend) touched my arm in a way that he deemed unacceptable. If ole boy was trying to get my attention, he got it. Dude was fine as frog hair too. Too bad he was a lunatic.

Moral of that story? Never go to the Elk's Lodge. 

Let's Make a Deal

The Warden gave me an assignment to talk about deal breakers in my relationship. I don't want to hear her mouth because I don't have any razor blades left in my stash so I'm just gonna do this to keep her trap on shutdown.

Before I begin the discussion you should know that I have been with my husband since right before I turned 16. On June 22nd, we will have been together for 20 years. This means that I have been with him for over half my life. In fact, if I do the math, I'm pretty sure it's close to 2/3. 

Just keep that lovely factoid in the back of your mind while I go through this, okay?

Back in the day, I kept a deal breaker on tap. I mean why not? I had to have something to put the fear of God and me not dealing with him in him right? A dealbreaker, to me, was a training tool. Something written down in the "Big Book of Shit That Girlfriends Do". I had to make sure I was being the proper kind of boo... so I set some ground rules.

If he didn't call me right back? We breaking up.

If he didn't remember to open doors for me or just be an all around gentleman? We breaking up.

If he didn't get my order right at Wendy's? Oh hell no! We. Breaking.The entire.Fuck.Up.

And I was serious about that foolishness. I'm really not sure why he dealt with it. Well, if you've seen me you know why he dealt with it but... I'm just saying. I'm not sure many other men would have. 

Then again... you've seen me. They probably would have.

As we got older, we made more deals. We broke more deals. And then we made the most major deal that any two people can make. 

Marriage.

We said vows. Those are like the ultimate in contractual agreements. 

And wouldn't you know it, we broke some of those promises too.

Things that I said I would never tolerate, the things that I said would be the reason for me to call it quits, none of it mattered when push came to shove and I had to make a real life decision. 

Maybe I'm a punk. 

It's possible. 

Maybe I'm a sucker. 

That's Likely. 

More than anything though I think the answer would be that I am ridiculously, deeply, wholeheartedly in love with the man that I literally grew up with. 

I can't just up and leave him because he broke some arbitrary rule that I made up for my happiness and comfort. 

That's not true. I totally have a list. 

Tee's Big List of Deal Breakers

1. Ruin my credit. I've already done that once. I won't be living that less than stellar credit life again, especially not because of something somebody else did. I'll drop him like a bad habit if Experian and Equifax tell me to.
2. Limit my time with the people I love. And by people I love I mean Justin Timberlake, Robert Downey, Jr., Idris Elba, Willie Geist, Bryan Williams, or Joe Biden. He ever tells me that I have to choose between him and one of my boos? Sayonara sweetie, it's been really real.
3. Take my handbags away. Just know that if it happens you will see me on the news. 
4. Dishonesty. Not really down for lies in any way, shape, form, or fashion. I'm too old for that kind of stress. I don't have time to be playing Inch High Private Eye on your ass and trying to figure out what you really meant or what you've been doing. Just tell me the truth and let me figure out what I want to do with it. Unless you're telling me I look better than Beyonce', then I'm with it.

He hasn't even tried to break any of these rules. He knows better. 

Seriously, in the 20 years that we've been together we've been through just about every trial that a couple can go through. If I had stuck to the rules that I set when I was 16 I know I wouldn't be with him.

I'm not saying that I'd be alone. You've seen me right?

I'm just saying that I wouldn't be with the person that I know God made for me. 

After writing all of that, I'm not sure that I made a point. Actually, I'm pretty sure I didn't. Whatever. I hope whoever is reading this got something out of it. Good night. 

It's So Hard to Say Goodbye - R.I.P. Derek Fulson

The world lost someone that I consider a friend today. 

In his 33 years he touched a LOT of lives. You would have never met a more genuine, all around delightful person. If you needed prayer he prayed for you. If you fell he found a way to lift you up.

Because he was just a nice guy.

I don't know what kind of hard times he lived through, because he showed nothing but positivity. I don't know what kind of pain he endured, because it was rare that he wasn't smiling.

I'll never forget that smile. It could warm the coldest hearts. And trust me when I tell you it did. He was the only stranger at the University of Kentucky that made me talk. And he did it with that smile. 

That smile and words of encouragement got me through some rough days during undergrad.

And a few years ago, when I was experiencing some of my darkest days he sent me smiles through text messages and inboxes.

Because that's the kind of guy he is. He was about happiness, love, and friendship. 

I just know he made a difference in my life. And I didn't even realize how big it was until I found out he was gone. 

I usually say that I live my life without regret. But I do have one now.

I never got to say thank you to my friend.

So now I say, thank you Derek Fulson. 

Thank you for being a friend to me when I needed one. Thank you for laughing with me. Thank you for laughing at me. Thank you for people watching with me in the Student Center. Thank you for keeping me from getting arrested that one time in front of Memorial Hall. Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you for listening when I tried to encourage you. Thank you for praying for me. Thank you for your smile. Thank you for your art. Thank you for baking me a cake full of sunshine when everything in my life was cloudy. Thank you for your drive. Thank you for being you.

I will never, ever forget you. 

I know right now you and St. Peter are probably laughing at my cry face, but I'm not even gonna side-eye you for it. Rest easy bruh. 

- Cheeks

Diary of an Unemployed American: Federal Freebie Edition NSFW

I've been doing my best to perfect my ability to do nothing.  Things are actually going pretty well.  Yesterday, I actually slept until 6:45 am.  #thuglife

Because I have no job and therefore have no money, I've also been spending a lot of time looking for people who will give me shit for free.  Hey, I'm pretty sure you're judging me right now, chile I ain't got no worries.  As much as I pay in taxes when I am earning money leads me to believe that I deserve as much free stuff as these two arms can carry.  Hell, if they let me toss some stuff in the hatchback of my Hyundai I'll be doing that too. 

 Picture me rollin'.

So, anyway I was talking about free stuff for federal employees.  It's pretty much everywhere if you beg correctly.  I've gotten burgers, pizza, popcorn... there's a theme here.  I probably should be requesting... oh I don't know... free rent or free cable... but husky girls gotta live to. Don't judge.

People are really trying to do their part to make life a little easier for the unemployed federal workers.  In fact, there's one company that is trying to make life super sweet for some of us that have too much time on our hands.

Imagine my surprise when this landed in my inbox.  

Company offers free vibrators to federal employees furloughed in the government shutdown

Vibrators.com says it is prepared to ship up to 200 vibrators per day to federal workers who, due to the shutdown, may "have a little too much time" on their hands.

BY DAVID KNOWLES / NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

MONDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2013, 4:14 PM

A Michigan company is offering free vibrators to government employees furloughed in the current government shutdown.

VIBRATORS.COM

Vibrators.com is offering free vibrators to furloughed federal employees for the duration of the current government shutdown. Never has a government shutdown proven so sexually arousing.

Vibrators.com recently announced the promotion, which the company says will last as long as the impasse between House Speaker John Boehner and President Obama drags on.

“Are you a federal employee that has been deemed non-essential?” an ad for the giveaway states. “Do you have a little too much time on your hands and nothing to do? Is the recent government shutdown to blame?”

Vibrators.com founder Tom Nardone came up with the publicity stunt, which has so far been warmly received by federal employees left out in the cold.

“We are going to fill as many orders as we can,” Nardone said in a comment thread of an article in Cosmopolitan announcing the promotion. “We figure we can ship out 200 or so a day without slowing down the shipments of other customers.”

With an estimated 800,000 federal employees currently waiting out the government shutdown and no clear end for the standoff in sight, Vibrators.com may yet find itself hard put to fill all of the orders it receives. That prospect doesn’t seem to be deterring the company, however. 

“As vibrator enthusiasts, we want everyone to experience the pleasure that a nice vibrator can bring to partners and individuals,” Vibrators.com said in its ad. “Besides, we know you have some free time, why not try something new?”

DKnowles@nydailynews.com 

@writerknowles

Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/company-offers-free-vibrators-furloughed-federal-employees-article-1.1478767#ixzz2h8LDjO5k

Word?

Folks are out of work.  Some people don't know how they are going to feed their kids or pay their bills... and y'all think a pocket rocket will help? Because we have more "time on our hands"?

No sir!!!

I guess it's the thought that counts. 

Somebody call me when Five Guys starts giving away cheeseburgers.  Because that's the only kind of freebie I care to take seriously. 

Questions for an Unemployed American

Somebody with a job asked: How do you think America ended up here... Polarized? Who should we blame for this shutdown debauchery?!?!

Simply put, we are in this place because people are stupid. 

Republicans are out of touch with what the people of America really need.  Democrats are too giving.  And the Tea Party is just crazy.  I can't really say much about Libertarians and other parties.  Mainly because they don't say much either.

I don't know who we should blame.  But I'm doing my damndest to blame everybody! 

I blame the President. 

I blame John Boehner.
I blame Harry Reid.

I blame every member of the House. 

I blame every member of the Senate.  

I blame the Speaker of the House. 

I blame the Minority Whip. 
I blame the pages.

I blame the interns.  

I blame Bo the Dog.  

I blame ALL of em.  

Instead of getting into pissing contests and trying to figure out whose balls are bigger they should do the damn jobs that they were elected for.  But every day they do dumb shit that convinces me that they aren't even sure what that is.

I think it's ridiculous that I'm unemployed and eating Top Ramen and scraping the bottom of Dinty Moore soup cans and these fools can't get their shit together. 

They don't even know WHY the shutdown happened.

For example, this genius out of Indiana, Representative Marlin Stutzman (R-IN) said, "We're not going to be disrespected.  We have to get something out of this. And I don't know what that even is."

Bitch!!

Are you serious? I'm over here slapping my veins like a damn heroin addict so Nurse Nellie can get this plasma and you don't even know.what.the.fuck.you.want!!

Sir. Get you entire life and have a stadium full of uncomfy ass seats!

And on top of not knowing why it happened, the dumbass dummies don't even know WHAT is happening! 

For example, apparently Michele Bachmann (R-MN) and em didn't realize that when you shut down the federal government shit like, oh I don't know, federal parks get shut down too. 

*big ass blank stare*

Sooooo.... they ain't even know how far reaching this would be? Just shutting down the government all willy nilly thinking that the only people affected would be people who sit at desks all day? 

I can't.

So anyway, to answer your question. I blame stupidity. Apparently, stupidity is running rampant in the Congressional streets.  I don't know how to fix it other than voting all of these assclowns out and starting over. 

Since that won't be happening for a while, perhaps we all can contact our Congressional representatives and let them know exactly how we feel about the shutdown and the piss poor decisions they have made.

Questions for An Unemployed American

Unemployed American Beauty asks: Ms. Winkle, what are creative things people can do to make money in this shutdown??


It goes without question that federal employees are some of the most intelligent and talented individuals on Earth.  So, it shouldn't be hard for us to come up with ways to make a little extra scratch while awaiting Congress to get their shit together. Right?

So here's a list of some things that you can do to make money while the lights are out for the U.S. Government. 

Tee's List of Things You Can Do to Make Money While the Lights Are Out for the U.S. Government

1. Bake Sales.  Get out your pots and pans and bake up your tastiest tarts and treats and head to a high traffic location.  I suggest Capitol Hill.  I mean those jabronis are still getting paid, why couldn't they spare a Jackson or a Franklin for a few cupcakes? Someone suggested that some of Minnie's Terrible Awful be added to the menu. I ain't saying that's right... but I do understand.
2. Tutor.  Find some kids and teach the hell out of them.  If this shutdown has taught us nothing it's that America's educational system needs a complete do-over.  The Tea Party doesn't know how a bill becomes law. Congress doesn't know simple math.  Democrats don't know how to play well with others. None of the fools understand that nothing from nothing equals nothing!  If all else fails you can teach the kids to write an angry letter so they can tell folks how they really feel.  The Kid is sharpening his #2 pencil as we speak.
3. Dance. Honey use what you got to get what you want. Do something strange for a piece of change. Get up on your elbows and show the boys what you know.  Apparently, there are a lot of openings for these kinds of gigs on Craigslist.  I know you probably think it's wrong of me to suggest that you do some shake dancing. And well, you're right.  I considered telling you to teach a dance class to the members of Congress since they are the only folks with money these days.  But those fools are already great at dancing.  They shuffle off to Buffalo around all the damn issues.  They have the ole soft shoe situation on lock, so all we got left is the pole.  You might see me out there.  I got dibs on all the quarters, I got a few Crown Royal bags that need filling.
4. Chill. If I've learned nothing in these long hours as an unemployed American, I've learned that doing nothing is hard damn work!! I mean, the amount of energy that it takes to sit still and not do a damn thing? Chile... let me tell you something.  Ratchet hoes need to teach a class on how to properly not be shit.  Because I'm certain I'm doing it all wrong.  I keep trying to think of things to do, when what I really should be doing is eating cheesesteaks, Oreos, watching Maury, and waiting on our unemployment checks.  Think about it, the average government employee has been working for like 107 years.  Folks need a break.  We all need to drink a tall glass of sit the hell down and let the brown envelopes roll in! 
5. Beg. Get yourself a cardboard sign and hit the streets.  Most panhandlers I see are at intersections. You know, making sure they awkwardly look every driver in the eye and guilt them into handing over scratch.  I say you hit a spot like Charlie Palmer's.  I figure if you put something clever on your sign like "Congress had a shutdown and all I got was this lousy sign" or "#blamecongress" or "If you want me to leave... call Harry Reid (and put some change in this cup)." You'll probably get a few dollars before security tosses you out onto Constitution Avenue.   

Well, that's all I can think of right now.  I mean there's also selling plasma, ova, sperm, roses, orange, eggs, kidneys, limbs, and co-workers on the black market, but you asked me for creative ways to make money.  I'm pretty sure that stuff is standard. 

Diary of An Unemployed American: Day 2

I've been unemployed for 2 days.  Well technically 2.5 since I had to work a half day the first day to "initiate shutdown protocols." Which really meant turning off my computer, locking my desk, and playing Candy Crush until they told me to leave. 

I don't know what to do with myself.  I've been trying as hard as I can to lay low and not be ratchet. I don't know how long that will last though.  If you leave me out on these streets to my own devices there's really no telling what I can get into.

If something pops off and you see me on CNN.... blame Congress. 

I woke up at 4:30 this morning like I had a job to go to.  I wonder how long it will take for me to be able to sleep until 2 in the afternoon? 

I have nothing planned today.  

Well, that's not true.  I did just plan a murder.  Well, okay, maybe not a murder.  Perhaps a simple assault.  Why? Because my husband told me to pause Duck Dynasty so he could show me this booooolshid.  

I'm certain he does these kinds of things to see what my reaction will be.  Normally, I wouldn't be so violent but I'm unemployed dammit!! So.... today's reaction will involve an ice pack for his eye. 

He can blame Congress.  I know I am.

Government Shutdown: A Journal

Hey, I know it's been a while.  I've been sleep.  Just call me Tee Van Winkle. *shrug*

Anyway, I've decided to try and keep some kind of journal during this clusterfuck that is the government shutdown.  Hopefully, I won't get red-flagged or waterboarded.

If you don't hear from me or see me call Olivia Pope. 

Random Thoughts of an Insomniac

No sleep tonight. I've been laying in the dark and playing Candy Crush Saga for hours.  Even those delightful little candies couldn't keep my thoughts at bay...

• I've started like 6 different entries since my last post. I just can't figure out a way to finish them.  I get an idea and start writing, I just can't close the way I want to.  This must be what it feels like to need a little blue pill...

• I'm only "funny" when I'm sad or super stressed.  The worse I feel the better the one-liners, pot shots, and zingers I give.   

• I'm certain I have the worst case of Mean Girl Syndrome ever recorded in history. 

• EVERYONE is an unsub. Trust no one.  Keep 911 on speed dial and your mace locked and loaded. Stranger danger is real. 

• Prince's afro makes him look like a little Vietnamese lady who trying to be down with the movement.

• Beyonce's ass bet not be pregnant.  Heffa had me jumping through hoops and learning new languages for these damn tickets.  I want to see her stop, drop, roll, pop, lock, Wop, tick, tut, freeze, flip, and flop.  I won't get that if she has a gut full of Carter. 

• I bet the person that won the Powerball is 87 year old retiree with an oxygen tank and 13 cats. 

• I wonder if I can get dual-citizenship in Colorado? 

• Why are all of the houses I want so damn expensive? Ya girl has Ace of Spade dreams on a PBR budget.

• I didn't twist my hair. Gonna be living that Arnold Drummond life today...

• Why are chin hairs so sneaky?

• No news for me for the next few days... my heart can't take it.

• Classical music makes my heart smile.

• So does A$AP Rocky.

Okay that's enough... I'm going to try to lay down for a little while. 

Random Thoughts From My Sick Bed

Well, that 30 Day Challenge was and epic failure. I can't even give a valid excuse for why I didn't complete it. I just didn't. I guess you can call me lazy. I don't mind that judgment. I am lazy. I'm the laziest person you know. If I have to pick between sitting very still and exerting no energy and doing something productive... doing nothing wins every damn time. 

Anyway, these days I've been suffering from an upper respiratory infection. I'm not sure what causes this kind of condition, but I'm going to blame it on the people that I work with. Not because I think they are contagious. Just because I like blaming stuff on them. Co-workers are the best scapegoats for when shit goes wrong in your life. You can blame them all day long and they will be none the wiser.

I'm supposed to be resting right now. But that's the gotcha gotcha. When somebody tells me to rest, I'll find every reason not too. So I guess that makes me the most stubborn lazy person you know. You can judge me for that too. 

I hate being sick. Being sick messes with my sunny disposition. When I'm sick I get mean. I gripe, I snap, I cuss, I kick (only once, and that nurse was being rough so...) So the odds of you getting cussed (that's country for cursed y'all) all the way out are pretty high. Don't take it personally. It's just a caustic combination of hormones, meds, germs, and me. Some folks would call that a Kavorkian-like cocktail. I call it "shut the hell up and leave me alone before I hurt your feelings and we all end up in tears." 

My husband and my son are used to my shenanigans when I'm unwell. In fact I haven't seen either one of them in about 72 hours. They are avoiding me. This makes me sad. Not really, they'll pay for it later. Knowing that makes me happy.

I'm not evil. I'm just sick. 

I'm all stopped up. I'm mouth breathing like Biggie Smalls. I can't hear. I'm dizzy. I'm sneezing. This is not a time in my life that makes me feel like smiling. It's all because of my coworkers. 

If I'm mean to you, blame them. If I flip you the bird for smiling, blame them. If I cut you off in traffic, blame them. If I trip your loud, obnoxious kid in the grocery store... blame me. That's all me. 

I'm starving. I'm probably the only sick person in the world that gets hungry instead of losing her appetite. I've been eating chips, salsa, pizza, candy... It's a problem. But this always happens. I get sick and I gain weight. I eat more when I'm ill than I ever do when I'm feeling okay. So I guess this means I'm the hungriest, stubborn, lazy person you know. 

Whatever. 

Well, that's about all I have today. My mind is all over the place. I didn't even share the most random things I came up with. You would really think I'm crazy if I did.

When this fog clears I'll read this and probably give a big ole WTF, like you are now. 

Until then I'm gonna stay hopped up on meds, OJ, and apple Jolly Rancher sticks. And maybe a 5 Guys burger and some fries...

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 6 - The Hardest Thing You've Ever Experienced

The hardest thing I've ever experienced is marriage. Staying married is hard work. I really don't think folks realize that. That is all. 

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 5 - 5 Things That Make Me Happy

I'm not sure how it happened, but I missed a day.  

Thursday I was supposed to do 5 things that make me the most happy right now. So, I guess I'll do that today and act like yesterday never happened. LOL

OK, so I'm probably the happiest I've ever been in my life. Let's raise the roof for prayer and meds people! Anyway, I'm so happy that it's kind of hard for me to just list 5 things. 

1. My son's smile. That gap toothed smile is the most amazing thing to me. When I see his smile I know that everything is right with the world. I know that I'm doing something right. I know that he is okay. His smile brings me so much comfort. I don't know what I would do if he ever stopped smiling.

2. Jeans that fit. When I find a pair of jeans that fit me perfectly in the butt and hips. Well, the only thing I know how to do is dance a mean little jig of thanks. Length is still an issue, but we are talking about things that make me happy.

3. Fruit Roll Ups. Every now and again I go on a high fructose corn syrup binge. Sometimes it's Haribo gummy bears. Sometimes is apple Jolly Ranchers. These days it's those amazing sheets of sugary goodness. I can't get enough of them. I'm eat 3 right now.

4. Manicures and pedicures. There is nothing better than being pampered with a good mani/pedi. I usually get the paraffin treatment when I go. That hot wax totally helps ease joint pain. The other day I went with oil and honey. Amazing moisturization there folks! Amazing! I also got a gel manicure for the first time. I have no idea what took me so long to try it, but I won't be doing anything else ever again. 

5. Qdoba queso. I'm convinced the stuff is created from the very best cheeses and bound together with angel tears. It's just that amazing. 

There you have it. The 5 things that are making me most happy at this very moment. 

30 Day Blog Challenge

I haven't been writing as much as I should, so I was looking for another blog challenge to rev me up. This morning my friend Miss.Lady over at Grace Under Fire posted this one and I've decided to roll with her. :-)

I Don't Care If You Judge Me, Scandal is AMAZING...

I love the television show Scandal. 

I believe it is the best show on television. Yes, I know that the main characters are involved in a torrid extramarital affair. Yes, I know that the show is filled with lies, debauchery, and ridiculousness. You wanna know what else I know? I know that I don’t care. The show is written masterfully and the acting is superb. The fact that Shonda Rhimes can have a nation full of men and women sitting on the edge of their seats every single week says so much for the caliber of the show.

Anyway, lately I’ve been seeing some anti-Scandal sentiment popping up on the web. Now, I have no problem with this. You are free to choose what you like and what you don’t. What bothers me is that people who aren’t fans of the show are doing their best to pull Scandal lovers into their lame, funless circle.

For example, the other day I got an email that basically asked, “As a married woman how can you love “Scandal” as much as you do?” The person went on to say that I condone affairs and objectification of black women by continuing to watch the show. 

If you are anything like me you are shooting a super supreme side-eye/blank stare tandem at the screen.

I did not bother responding to the email directly. I decided to answer it here on the blog. So I need you to please be patient with me as I formulate a response.  

So why do I love the show so much?

Well, first of all because I am grown and I right to choose and love whatever television drama I want. I’m pretty sure that’s in the Constitution.

Secondly, because even with a bullet in his frontal lobe, Fitzgerald Thomas Grant is the finest white man on prime time television right now. Well, finest after Brian Williams.

Third, I am fairly certain (not completely because I have not committed time to the research) that Olivia Pope and Fitzgerald Grant are not real people. But Tony Goldwyn and Kerry Washington do a damn good job of making me want to know more about their fictional relationship.

Fourth, the fashion. Olivia's outerwear and handbag selections are the stuff of dreams. Harrison always looks phenomenal in suspenders. Even the FLOTUS Mellie looks cute in her Tea Party chic maternity wear. 

Yes, it's true that what we see in the movies and on television everyday has probably dulled our senses to some things. But, believe me when I tell you that my eyes are wide open when it comes to trust and fidelity in my marriage and in the world around me. My opinion on infidelity remains the same: it sucks and should never happen. Nothing will change that.

The thought that watching a television show makes me a supporter of every aspect of the show is silly. That's crazy. You can be a fan of something and not like every little thing about it.

I watch Homeland, but I’m not a fan of terrorism.

I watch Chicago Fire, but I’m not a fan of arson.

I watch Fox News Channel, but I am certainly no fan of Sean Hannity. 

I am pretty well versed in seperating fact from fiction. I'm also pretty good at knowing how to enjoy myself. I would never believe that I am so deep that I cannot enjoy a great television show, for fear of how it would make me appear to the rest of the world.

I majored in Agricultural Economics people! That means I am not the one to be analyzing the social constructs of the relationship between Olivia and Fitz. I don’t give one damn about how they are going to affect society. Not one. I just want to be entertained.

As a married woman, what I need to worry about is whether or not I put myself in situations that are dangerous to my relationship. I make sure that I respect my boundaries. When I step out of the doors of my home I am cognizant of who I am and what I represent. Unless my idea of a good time is flatbacking or crack smoking, my choice of entertainment has no bearing on any of those things.

See how that works? I. Me. My. I’m cool with what I do. My husband is too.

That’s all that matters to me. And really, that's all that should matter to anyone else. 

That's pretty much all I have to say about this. In closing I would like say to all of the people who judge us married Scandal lovers:

Please and thanks. 

Promises + Lessons + Decisions = New Beginnings

Today is the last day of 2012.

The 364 days before this one have been full of all kinds of lessons for me. As I sit here writing, I know that I am light years away from where I was on January 1. I've laughed, loved, and lived a lot harder than I have in years. I feel like I look different. Like I walk taller. Like I'm 20 pounds lighter. Even my thoughts are not the same as they used to be. This year, I decided follow my homegirl Erykah Badu's advice and stop being a bag lady. 

Life is far too short to sweat the small things. And it's really way too short to spend a lot of extra time on the big things. Everything is not as important as I want it to be. Learning how to prioritize my issues has been valuable. Now I don't go off the deep end for every little thing.

It's so easy to act a certain way when you feel like you are the only person that is feeling those feelings. But I've learned that thinking that way is wrong. One of my favorite bible verses is, "What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun." (Ecclesiastes 1:9 NIV) These words have made a huge impact on the way that I live my life now. The way that I interpret them gives me comfort. There are people who have survived the same things that I have. There are people who have survived worse.

These days I find it quite selfish of me to want to whine about my horrible coworkers or my relationship problems when there are people who are literally fighting for their lives. I think I am doing a disservice to humanity to be pissed off for days because I didn't like the way somebody talked to me or because of the way I perceived a person to treat me. It's shameful to want to stay angry and be hateful, just because. 

I've decided that my happiness will not be tied to other people. My goals should not be set based on what other people are doing. I dictate the amount of joy that enters my life. 

There are so many things that I am supposed to do before I leave this Earth. I will never get them done if I keep dragging all the baggage with me. That mess is an anchor. It keeps you grounded when you are supposed to fly. 

2012 was the year for me to find my wings. In 2013, I'm going to soar.

Holiday Blessings

I know it's been a few weeks since I posted anything. I've been a little busy lately, so please forgive me. All these distractions have been good for me. This season hasn't taken a toll on me emotionally like it usually does. That's a very good thing. 

A few months ago I started a little side hustle. I've been editing and proofreading manuscripts for independent authors. I haven't really had time to post anything over here because I've been busy helping people bring their dreams of being a published author to fruition. That's pretty damn dope. 

There are lots of folks out there that are writing. I've met some pretty talented and interesting people. It's all pretty cool for a book nerd like me. I'm actually making a little money doing something that I enjoy. 

In addition to that, I've been given the opportunity to write a weekly column/blog for a new website called I Won't Settle. The site is dedicated to committing yourself to wait on (or engage in) a healthy relationship, instead of settling for whatever comes your way. My column will be called "Truth Be Told..." You may see some entries that I've posted on here, likely my faves that I felt needed to shared. Mostly, it's going to be my insights on love, marriage, and relationships in general. I'll be as honest as possible and share my experiences and hopefully help some folks out. I'll have to keep my cussing to a minimum over there, but I made a resolution about a decade ago to slow that down anyway. ;-)

So yeah, I've been having a pretty good Winter. No time to dwell on hurt and ghosts from the past, when my present is so full of blessings! 

Happy dance time....

I'm Not "Right"...But It's OK

Last week my book club discussed a book called "The Secret That She Kept".  The main character of the book was a successful Black lawyer who suffered from bipolar disorder.  I enjoyed this book, not only because it was well written, but because the topic hit pretty close to home for me.

After our discussion I decided to write about my struggles with anxiety and depression. Then I got scared and changed my mind.  This is not a subject that I'm completely comfortable talking about with others.  I was always taught to keep "family business in the family" and to "keep some secrets for ya'self" so I figured my fear was the atmosphere's way of telling me to shut the hell up.  But, talking about this has been on my heart and mind for a while now, so I've decided to put my fear aside and have a conversation with you all (although one-sided). If you don't mind.

Several years ago, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder.  Hindsight being 20/20, I now know that I've dealt with both (especially anxiety) for most of my life.  However, the way that my illnesses manifest led me to believe that it was just my personality.  I just thought it was how I was.

Getting a diagnosis didn't change anything though.  I didn't receive any treatment.  I acted like it never happened.  To me, accepting my diagnosis meant that I would be green lighting folks to call me crazy.  And while people have been calling me crazy for years, I didn't want that to be due to a legitimate mental illness.  I knew I wasn't "quite right", but again, I thought it was just my personality.  I was in denial about it for a very long time.  And because I didn't feel bad all the time, denying what was really going on was easy.  Denial kept me in a bad place for a very long time.

About four years ago, I decided that I had to get over myself and seek help.  I experienced an onslaught of life changing events that had me feeling like I was drowning in quicksand.  That's the only way I can describe my depression, quicksand.  When it gets bad, the more I move, the more I feel like I'm going under.    Anyway, all of these things made me feel like I was spinning out of control.  Because I am an anal retentive control freak who feels the need to be able to control EVERYTHING, being out of control made me feel like I was dying.  Not having control made me extremely sad and anxious, so my illnesses escalated.  I tried to work through these feelings on my own for a while.  I FINALLY realized that overcoming them would not be something I could do on my own. I needed help. So I sought out a therapist and talked about my issues with my family physician.

Doing that was the single best decision that I have ever made.  It literally saved my life.

So, I said all of that to say that I'm writing this post for the people who are out there who are feeling the heavy darkness of depression or the chest crushing pressure of anxiety. I understand. 

I have a mental illness.  My brain doesn't fire the same way that "normal" brains do.  I will never be 100%, at least not when I'm not on meds.  I'm not ashamed to share that I have to talk to someone to help me clear my head or that I have to take a pill (or two) to make sure my brain fires the way that it should. 

OK, full disclosure, I'm not ashamed anymore.  Remember I told you that I'm anal.  I like for things to go as planned.  Deviation from the plan causes problems for me.  Being diagnosed with a mental illness is a HUGE deviation.  I worked hard to be perceived as the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect student, the perfect girlfriend.  Depression and anxiety prevented me from completing my checklists for life.  I couldn't control my own feelings.  Because of that I was ashamed.  Shame led to denial.  For years I denied my illness and kept the fact that I even had a diagnosis to myself.  I didn't tell anyone.  More than anything, I didn't want people to look at me differently.  I didn't want to be judged, coddled, avoided, or called crazy (people still call me crazy, but for different reasons that I'm completely comfy with).  Shame is also part of the reason why it took me so long to seek treatment.  

I'm pretty sure some of you are wondering why I'm even saying anything now.  I know for sure that someone is thinking that I'm sharing too much.  I'm honestly not completely sure.  I just wanted to talk about it.  I felt like if I was going to live my life honestly, I had to be honest with myself and with others about the things that I struggle with on a daily basis.  Depression and anxiety happen to be a couple of those things.

Years of prayer and therapy have gotten me to a place where I can freely talk about my issues without fear of what other people think about me.  I know now that I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.  I'm not alone.  Knowing that I don't have to deal with this on my own brings me comfort.  So I guess I'm trying to bring comfort to someone out there that is feeling like they are all alone with their struggle. 

You are NOT alone.  Don't let the dark, murky feelings, scary feeling that you may be feeling overwhelm you.  Don't make any rash decisions because you are feeling low.  Don't let your fears keep you from doing things that will likely bring you joy. Don't let these things make you feel like you have no hope.  Some solutions are permanent, those are not the right decisions to make. 

Remember that. 

Understand that mental illness has no specific demographic.  All mentally ill people are not poor or homeless and walking the streets talking to themselves.  Mental illness can be an urban raised, suburban living, college educated, black sorority girl with high blood pressure and a fetish for vintage handbags.

It can affect anyone.

And anyone can recover.  Although it's a life changer, it doesn't have to change your life for the worst.  Seek help.  Find a therapist or clergyman that can help you.  Talk to you physician and see if medications could help.  Exercise, journal, blog...do something that will help you relax and bring you some joy.

A diagnosis of a mental illness is not a great thing.  I'll be honest about that.  If I had my choice, I definitely wouldn't choose to deal with the struggles of depression and anxiety.  But, that's not the path that God has laid out for my life.  I've come to the realization that it's not something that can be ignored.  It won't go away on it's own.  I'm in this fight for what might be forever.  And I've decided as long as I fight this battle in a healthy way I will be okay.  I hope that someone reading this comes to that realization too.

Enough IS Enough

Amen.

I saw this posted on PostSecret this morning. It really struck a chord with me. The idea of knowing that I am "enough" is a constant struggle for me. After seeing this secret, I immediately knew that I should write about it, but I couldn't really find the words.

It has taken me almost 14 hours to come up with the following paragraphs...

Like many females, I have struggled with maintaining my self-esteem. I have been in situations that led me to compare myself to other people. I questioned why my skin wasn't the right color. Why my hair isn't straight enough. Why my legs aren't long enough. I wondered what made other women more desirable or likable than me. I have looked to men to validate me. I have looked for permission from others to accept myself (or who I thought I was) .

Over the years, I have accepted and allowed a lot of things for no other reason than because I thought I deserved it. I thought that because I didn't measure up, what I was getting was the perfect portion for me. Only recently have I realized that I haven't been getting my fair share. That I deserve so much MORE. But I've also realized that I will never get more until I accept the fact that I that there is room inside me for what's in store.

So every day, beginning as soon as I open my eyes, I start saying positive affirmations like the one on PostSecret. Slowly, but surely, I am beginning to believe the words that I say. I'm not completely there yet. And honestly, I don't know if I will ever be 100%, but my goal is to get as close to that as I can.

I have the power. I have to believe that. I may never be the tallest, skinniest, or even the prettiest girl in the room. But I will always be the best me that I can be.

And that is more than enough.

Indifference

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference... - Elie Wiesel

IDC

Indifference. It's certainly an odd emotion. In layman's terms indifference is pretty much the point when you just don't give a shit. Just about anything that is remotely associated with whatever it is that you previously cared about you give approximately 0 damns about now.

What's odd is that it usually surprises you. You don't know that you don't care until you realize that instead of blowing your top, you're shrugging your shoulders, taking a sip of tea, and giving a big ole blank stare.

I know you've experienced it.

The point where instead of losing your mind when you find out your boo is doing things they shouldn't, you just shake you head and bid them adieu. No tears because you are hurt, just tears because you can't believe you wasted so much time dealing with a person like that.

That project at work that was sooooo important that you were losing sleep. But people keep undermining your ideas and management keeps making asinine decisions so it's affecting your productivity. Instead of flipping tables in meetings, you just let them have their way and don't even smirk at their failures.

Most people would say that this is not a good emotion. They would say that a person that just doesn't care or doesn't feel any emotion about things isn't really taking advantage of the human experience. I disagree. I think that indifference is an essential emotion. It is as important as happiness, sadness, and anger. Some things are not worth wasting heartfelt emotions like hate (although, I don't believe in hate...just extreme dislike) on. Some people aren't worth dedicating important moments of your life to.

I choose to assign happiness to things that really and truly matter. I choose to assign anger and sadness to those things too. Indifference is the black hole where all the unimportant crap dwells. They are assigned side-eyes, blank stares, and head shakes. Because honestly, most of those things are really even important enough for words.

Honestly, indifference is my goal for a lot of things. This doesn't mean that I want to live my life without feeling happiness, sadness, or anger. I'm not apathetic. What it means, to me at least, is that I don't want to dwell on tomfoolery and shenanigans that other people can bring into my life. I've found that most of the things that make me sad or angry are because of other people's decisions.

Indifference is about taking the control that those people have over you away. It's not apathy by any means. An apathetic person doesn't care about anything. A person who is indifferent about some things cares enough about themselves to not care about things that don't matter.

Take back the control that you've given others. Defy them by not caring about what they do or say. Don't let them ruin your day or take up any extra moments in your life.

And remember, nothing makes a hater feel more stupid than hitting them with one of these: