Serenity. Courage. Wisdom - Part 2

I got another tattoo yesterday. Three words on my left wrist: serenity, courage, wisdom. A while ago I wrote about why these three words mean so much to me. 

I'd been going back and forth about getting a new tattoo for several months now. So why yesterday instead of 3 months ago? Well, yesterday a friend of mine and I were talking about it so I decided to do it. But that conversation (which was EPIC by the way) is not the only reason why I pulled the trigger.

My anxiety came back. 

For months I've been good. So good that I even stopped carrying my meds around in my purse. I didn't need my 911 pack anymore because I hadn't been dealing with any symptoms. No panic attacks. No insane heart palpitations. No tears.  

But some stuff I thought I got rid of came back and combined itself with some new stress and... BOOM. That elephant was sitting on my chest again. 

I had to remind myself that I cannot change the behaviors of others. I can only change how I react to their behavior. I had to remember that everything is not worth getting riled up and angry about. Some things just aren't worth the fight. 

My peace of mind is far more important than trying to right someones wrongs.

That's what this tattoo means to me. It's a constant reminder that I am more important than whatever the struggle I am going through at the time. I may not be able to control what other people do, but I can control how I react to them.

Serenity. Courage. Wisdom. 

No a tattoo didn't give me those things. It didn't miraculously make my anxiety go away either. I certainly wasn't expecting that. But in some ways I do feel better. 

It's like I have a permanent security blanket. And constant comfort is kind of what I need right now. 

Random Thoughts of an Insomniac

No sleep tonight. I've been laying in the dark and playing Candy Crush Saga for hours.  Even those delightful little candies couldn't keep my thoughts at bay...

• I've started like 6 different entries since my last post. I just can't figure out a way to finish them.  I get an idea and start writing, I just can't close the way I want to.  This must be what it feels like to need a little blue pill...

• I'm only "funny" when I'm sad or super stressed.  The worse I feel the better the one-liners, pot shots, and zingers I give.   

• I'm certain I have the worst case of Mean Girl Syndrome ever recorded in history. 

• EVERYONE is an unsub. Trust no one.  Keep 911 on speed dial and your mace locked and loaded. Stranger danger is real. 

• Prince's afro makes him look like a little Vietnamese lady who trying to be down with the movement.

• Beyonce's ass bet not be pregnant.  Heffa had me jumping through hoops and learning new languages for these damn tickets.  I want to see her stop, drop, roll, pop, lock, Wop, tick, tut, freeze, flip, and flop.  I won't get that if she has a gut full of Carter. 

• I bet the person that won the Powerball is 87 year old retiree with an oxygen tank and 13 cats. 

• I wonder if I can get dual-citizenship in Colorado? 

• Why are all of the houses I want so damn expensive? Ya girl has Ace of Spade dreams on a PBR budget.

• I didn't twist my hair. Gonna be living that Arnold Drummond life today...

• Why are chin hairs so sneaky?

• No news for me for the next few days... my heart can't take it.

• Classical music makes my heart smile.

• So does A$AP Rocky.

Okay that's enough... I'm going to try to lay down for a little while. 

Random Thoughts From My Sick Bed

Well, that 30 Day Challenge was and epic failure. I can't even give a valid excuse for why I didn't complete it. I just didn't. I guess you can call me lazy. I don't mind that judgment. I am lazy. I'm the laziest person you know. If I have to pick between sitting very still and exerting no energy and doing something productive... doing nothing wins every damn time. 

Anyway, these days I've been suffering from an upper respiratory infection. I'm not sure what causes this kind of condition, but I'm going to blame it on the people that I work with. Not because I think they are contagious. Just because I like blaming stuff on them. Co-workers are the best scapegoats for when shit goes wrong in your life. You can blame them all day long and they will be none the wiser.

I'm supposed to be resting right now. But that's the gotcha gotcha. When somebody tells me to rest, I'll find every reason not too. So I guess that makes me the most stubborn lazy person you know. You can judge me for that too. 

I hate being sick. Being sick messes with my sunny disposition. When I'm sick I get mean. I gripe, I snap, I cuss, I kick (only once, and that nurse was being rough so...) So the odds of you getting cussed (that's country for cursed y'all) all the way out are pretty high. Don't take it personally. It's just a caustic combination of hormones, meds, germs, and me. Some folks would call that a Kavorkian-like cocktail. I call it "shut the hell up and leave me alone before I hurt your feelings and we all end up in tears." 

My husband and my son are used to my shenanigans when I'm unwell. In fact I haven't seen either one of them in about 72 hours. They are avoiding me. This makes me sad. Not really, they'll pay for it later. Knowing that makes me happy.

I'm not evil. I'm just sick. 

I'm all stopped up. I'm mouth breathing like Biggie Smalls. I can't hear. I'm dizzy. I'm sneezing. This is not a time in my life that makes me feel like smiling. It's all because of my coworkers. 

If I'm mean to you, blame them. If I flip you the bird for smiling, blame them. If I cut you off in traffic, blame them. If I trip your loud, obnoxious kid in the grocery store... blame me. That's all me. 

I'm starving. I'm probably the only sick person in the world that gets hungry instead of losing her appetite. I've been eating chips, salsa, pizza, candy... It's a problem. But this always happens. I get sick and I gain weight. I eat more when I'm ill than I ever do when I'm feeling okay. So I guess this means I'm the hungriest, stubborn, lazy person you know. 

Whatever. 

Well, that's about all I have today. My mind is all over the place. I didn't even share the most random things I came up with. You would really think I'm crazy if I did.

When this fog clears I'll read this and probably give a big ole WTF, like you are now. 

Until then I'm gonna stay hopped up on meds, OJ, and apple Jolly Rancher sticks. And maybe a 5 Guys burger and some fries...

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 6 - The Hardest Thing You've Ever Experienced

The hardest thing I've ever experienced is marriage. Staying married is hard work. I really don't think folks realize that. That is all. 

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 5 - 5 Things That Make Me Happy

I'm not sure how it happened, but I missed a day.  

Thursday I was supposed to do 5 things that make me the most happy right now. So, I guess I'll do that today and act like yesterday never happened. LOL

OK, so I'm probably the happiest I've ever been in my life. Let's raise the roof for prayer and meds people! Anyway, I'm so happy that it's kind of hard for me to just list 5 things. 

1. My son's smile. That gap toothed smile is the most amazing thing to me. When I see his smile I know that everything is right with the world. I know that I'm doing something right. I know that he is okay. His smile brings me so much comfort. I don't know what I would do if he ever stopped smiling.

2. Jeans that fit. When I find a pair of jeans that fit me perfectly in the butt and hips. Well, the only thing I know how to do is dance a mean little jig of thanks. Length is still an issue, but we are talking about things that make me happy.

3. Fruit Roll Ups. Every now and again I go on a high fructose corn syrup binge. Sometimes it's Haribo gummy bears. Sometimes is apple Jolly Ranchers. These days it's those amazing sheets of sugary goodness. I can't get enough of them. I'm eat 3 right now.

4. Manicures and pedicures. There is nothing better than being pampered with a good mani/pedi. I usually get the paraffin treatment when I go. That hot wax totally helps ease joint pain. The other day I went with oil and honey. Amazing moisturization there folks! Amazing! I also got a gel manicure for the first time. I have no idea what took me so long to try it, but I won't be doing anything else ever again. 

5. Qdoba queso. I'm convinced the stuff is created from the very best cheeses and bound together with angel tears. It's just that amazing. 

There you have it. The 5 things that are making me most happy at this very moment. 

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 4: 10 Things You Would Tell Your 16 Year Old Self

10 things that I would tell my 16 year old self? This one is hard. Mainly because I barely remember what I was doing 20 minutes ago, let alone damn near 20 years ago. But I guess, I'll try...

1. Don't stop running. Ever.
2. Do not take your abs for granted. You won't have them forever.
3. Yea, he's cute...but he's not the reason your world should turn.
4. Explore your options. 
5. This is it homie. You won't be getting any taller.
6. Study. You won't be able to bullshit your way through college like you did high school.
7. Be nice.
8. Smile.
9. Don't be afraid to try something new.
10. Stay away from high heels. Your ankle will thank you later. 

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 3: Describe Your Relationship With Your Parents

Well, I'll be damned! The people who come up with these challenges have got to be the nosiest sonsabishes that there ever was! 

Anyway, my relationship with my parents is good. I mean, they are my parents. I don't have any deep seeded hatred or ill feeling towards them because of the way I grew up. I leave all that stuff for Lifetime movies.

My parents did the best they could with what they had. They raised four pretty decent citizens of the universe. Nobody has any major charges and none of us has spent more than a few nights in the clinker...

That's it. No drama here. I love my Mama and Daddy. They love me. The end. 

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 2 - 3 Legitimate Fears

What exactly does legitimate mean in this case? I mean, if I'm afraid of something it's legitimate to me? Why I gotta spend my time trying to prove to people why my fear is real? That's silly.

But I guess if I want to participate in the challenge I've got to play nice. *sigh*

I'm afraid of a lot of things. This happens a lot with people who suffer from anxiety I think. If not, and I'm an anomaly, then sit me down somewhere and study me. Like I said, I'm afraid of a lot of things. The fact that I have to narrow the list down to 3 kind of frightens me. I'm terrified of all of these things equally. I don't want it to seem like I'm playing favorites and then something that I didn't mention comes along and shuts me down.

Let's get this over with.

Fear #1: Possums. I don't know where this fear came from. I just know that it's real. There is something about encountering a 4 foot long rat with sharp teeth and zero damns to give that changes your life forever. I ran into one on my parent's back porch back in 1995. The son of a bitch stood up on it's hind legs and hissed at me an then looked at me like I was the one that wasn't supposed to be there. As I was running away, I swear I heard him say, "When you come back make sure you run me my rent." I moved out of my parents house that day and I haven't been back since.

Fear #2: Creepy Kids. Children of the Corn murked something deep down within my soul. Since I saw the first 10 minutes of that movie, I can no longer tolerate kids with creepy voices, creepy faces, creepy clothes, creepy hair, or anything else that I would consider creeptastic. Y'all can keep all that scary stuff over there with you. Give me a fat, juicy baby that can't talk. Or a teenager that cusses and has a bad attitude. But those in betweeners who always seem to float and get possessed by the devil? No ma'am. You wanna see me cry? Have one of the little girls from Mama say hi to me. I guarantee I'll have a wet face and wet pants. I'm not for that mess at all.

Fear #3: I am deathly afraid of deep water. I don't know how to swim. I don't care to learn. I don't like to float. I don't like the way waves feel against my body. I hate feeling out of control and there is nothing that makes me feel like that more than being submerged in water. I mean it. The last time I was in water of any depth was when I got baptized. And when I tell you I held on to the preacher tighter than a fresh weave on the first of the month? Child please. I don't play those drowning games. He really could have just splashed some water on my forehead and called it a night. 

So, those are 3 of my fears. They may seem crazy to you, but they are legitimate to me. Good night. 

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 1 - 20 Random Facts

OK, so I'm supposed to list 20 random facts about myself. This should be easy, I'm the most random person I know.


1. I'm a speed reader. I've been honing this skill since I was a kid. Not because I have a thirst for knowledge, but because I have a ridiculously short attention span and I need things to get over with quick.

2. I can identify most songs within seconds of them starting. I don't know why or how. I just can.

3. My head is full of random, useless information about everything from pop culture to past US Presidents. One of these days I'm gonna wreck shit on Jeopardy. 

4. I suck at remembering names and faces. But I always remember what a person was wearing. Always. 

5. I've been cursing like a sailor since the 70's.

6. I live my life like it's a musical. Every important moment is assigned a song and occasionally footwork.

7. I've never told a real joke in my life, but lots of people think I'm funny.

8. I cry everyday.

9. I'm afraid of possums, heights, and deep water.

10. I require 8 or more hours of sleep daily. Anything less results in a piss poor attitude and Arnold Drummond hair.

11. My inner fat girl's name is Zenobia. She is the boss of me.

12. I always talk about drinking, but I honestly rarely drink alcohol (once maybe twice a year). I don't like feeling out of control. I also like being sober enough to be able to recall all shenanigans and tomfoolery exhibited by drunk friends. 

13. I have committed my life to living out the following mantras: "Everyone is an Unsub" and "Stranger Danger is Real."

14. I read at least one book a week.

15. I hate white dress shoes, Wal-Mart, tardiness, ashiness, and bad feet.

16. The quickest way to my heart is to make me laugh.

17. I think I'm 6 feet tall. 

18. I collect premium denim, vintage handbags, frogs, funny t-shirts, and shoes.

19. I dance like a old white lady.

20. It may not seem like it, but I'm the nicest person you know. 

30 Day Blog Challenge

I haven't been writing as much as I should, so I was looking for another blog challenge to rev me up. This morning my friend Miss.Lady over at Grace Under Fire posted this one and I've decided to roll with her. :-)