I Don't Care If You Judge Me, Scandal is AMAZING...

I love the television show Scandal. 

I believe it is the best show on television. Yes, I know that the main characters are involved in a torrid extramarital affair. Yes, I know that the show is filled with lies, debauchery, and ridiculousness. You wanna know what else I know? I know that I don’t care. The show is written masterfully and the acting is superb. The fact that Shonda Rhimes can have a nation full of men and women sitting on the edge of their seats every single week says so much for the caliber of the show.

Anyway, lately I’ve been seeing some anti-Scandal sentiment popping up on the web. Now, I have no problem with this. You are free to choose what you like and what you don’t. What bothers me is that people who aren’t fans of the show are doing their best to pull Scandal lovers into their lame, funless circle.

For example, the other day I got an email that basically asked, “As a married woman how can you love “Scandal” as much as you do?” The person went on to say that I condone affairs and objectification of black women by continuing to watch the show. 

If you are anything like me you are shooting a super supreme side-eye/blank stare tandem at the screen.

I did not bother responding to the email directly. I decided to answer it here on the blog. So I need you to please be patient with me as I formulate a response.  

So why do I love the show so much?

Well, first of all because I am grown and I right to choose and love whatever television drama I want. I’m pretty sure that’s in the Constitution.

Secondly, because even with a bullet in his frontal lobe, Fitzgerald Thomas Grant is the finest white man on prime time television right now. Well, finest after Brian Williams.

Third, I am fairly certain (not completely because I have not committed time to the research) that Olivia Pope and Fitzgerald Grant are not real people. But Tony Goldwyn and Kerry Washington do a damn good job of making me want to know more about their fictional relationship.

Fourth, the fashion. Olivia's outerwear and handbag selections are the stuff of dreams. Harrison always looks phenomenal in suspenders. Even the FLOTUS Mellie looks cute in her Tea Party chic maternity wear. 

Yes, it's true that what we see in the movies and on television everyday has probably dulled our senses to some things. But, believe me when I tell you that my eyes are wide open when it comes to trust and fidelity in my marriage and in the world around me. My opinion on infidelity remains the same: it sucks and should never happen. Nothing will change that.

The thought that watching a television show makes me a supporter of every aspect of the show is silly. That's crazy. You can be a fan of something and not like every little thing about it.

I watch Homeland, but I’m not a fan of terrorism.

I watch Chicago Fire, but I’m not a fan of arson.

I watch Fox News Channel, but I am certainly no fan of Sean Hannity. 

I am pretty well versed in seperating fact from fiction. I'm also pretty good at knowing how to enjoy myself. I would never believe that I am so deep that I cannot enjoy a great television show, for fear of how it would make me appear to the rest of the world.

I majored in Agricultural Economics people! That means I am not the one to be analyzing the social constructs of the relationship between Olivia and Fitz. I don’t give one damn about how they are going to affect society. Not one. I just want to be entertained.

As a married woman, what I need to worry about is whether or not I put myself in situations that are dangerous to my relationship. I make sure that I respect my boundaries. When I step out of the doors of my home I am cognizant of who I am and what I represent. Unless my idea of a good time is flatbacking or crack smoking, my choice of entertainment has no bearing on any of those things.

See how that works? I. Me. My. I’m cool with what I do. My husband is too.

That’s all that matters to me. And really, that's all that should matter to anyone else. 

That's pretty much all I have to say about this. In closing I would like say to all of the people who judge us married Scandal lovers:

Please and thanks. 

I AM Changing!

Amen.

I posted that on Instagram a few weeks ago. I don't even remember what the situation was, I just know that I was doubting myself and somebody came along and confirmed that I shouldn't have been feeling that way.

Well, the same thing happened today. I've been wondering if people could see that changes that I've made as well as I can see them. I've been questioning myself and wondering if what I've done is enough. I know it's not. I know I still have miles and miles of road to travel. I don't know, I guess I'm expecting a neon light or something to float above my head to let folks know there's no danger here... well not as much. 

Anyway, I'm talking a walk on my break at work. I'm feeling down and wondering what else I can do and not really coming up with anything. I duck into the ladies room and almost run into one of the women on the custodial staff. 

We had the following conversation:

Her: You are the girl from the cafeteria.

Me: Ma'am?

Her: You are the girl from the cafeteria. Every time I see you, you have a smile on your face. You always laughing and just enjoying yourself. That makes me smile.

Me: Really?

Her: Oh yes. You always bring me joy.

Me: Wow. Thank you. I guess I just don't have anything to complain about. I'm blessed.

Her: We ALL are.

Then she walked out of the restroom. 

I had never spoken to or even noticed the woman before. But to know that she had seen me. That I had blessed her life in some kind of way! When I tell you I wanted to shout and shuffle in that place? Wooo chile! Ain't no footwork appropriate enough for the magnitude of my feelings. 

SHE BLESSED ME. 

Sometimes God will knock you over the head with the answer to your questions. And for a hardheaded person like me...that's exactly what I need. And he certainly mollywhopped me today.

I have been called a lot of names in my life. But I don't ever recall a time where anyone accused me of being happy. Certainly not a person that brings joy. 

I AM changing. And somebody noticed. Epic y'all. Epic.

Beyonce' knows how I feel...

Promises + Lessons + Decisions = New Beginnings

Today is the last day of 2012.

The 364 days before this one have been full of all kinds of lessons for me. As I sit here writing, I know that I am light years away from where I was on January 1. I've laughed, loved, and lived a lot harder than I have in years. I feel like I look different. Like I walk taller. Like I'm 20 pounds lighter. Even my thoughts are not the same as they used to be. This year, I decided follow my homegirl Erykah Badu's advice and stop being a bag lady. 

Life is far too short to sweat the small things. And it's really way too short to spend a lot of extra time on the big things. Everything is not as important as I want it to be. Learning how to prioritize my issues has been valuable. Now I don't go off the deep end for every little thing.

It's so easy to act a certain way when you feel like you are the only person that is feeling those feelings. But I've learned that thinking that way is wrong. One of my favorite bible verses is, "What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun." (Ecclesiastes 1:9 NIV) These words have made a huge impact on the way that I live my life now. The way that I interpret them gives me comfort. There are people who have survived the same things that I have. There are people who have survived worse.

These days I find it quite selfish of me to want to whine about my horrible coworkers or my relationship problems when there are people who are literally fighting for their lives. I think I am doing a disservice to humanity to be pissed off for days because I didn't like the way somebody talked to me or because of the way I perceived a person to treat me. It's shameful to want to stay angry and be hateful, just because. 

I've decided that my happiness will not be tied to other people. My goals should not be set based on what other people are doing. I dictate the amount of joy that enters my life. 

There are so many things that I am supposed to do before I leave this Earth. I will never get them done if I keep dragging all the baggage with me. That mess is an anchor. It keeps you grounded when you are supposed to fly. 

2012 was the year for me to find my wings. In 2013, I'm going to soar.

Holiday Blessings

I know it's been a few weeks since I posted anything. I've been a little busy lately, so please forgive me. All these distractions have been good for me. This season hasn't taken a toll on me emotionally like it usually does. That's a very good thing. 

A few months ago I started a little side hustle. I've been editing and proofreading manuscripts for independent authors. I haven't really had time to post anything over here because I've been busy helping people bring their dreams of being a published author to fruition. That's pretty damn dope. 

There are lots of folks out there that are writing. I've met some pretty talented and interesting people. It's all pretty cool for a book nerd like me. I'm actually making a little money doing something that I enjoy. 

In addition to that, I've been given the opportunity to write a weekly column/blog for a new website called I Won't Settle. The site is dedicated to committing yourself to wait on (or engage in) a healthy relationship, instead of settling for whatever comes your way. My column will be called "Truth Be Told..." You may see some entries that I've posted on here, likely my faves that I felt needed to shared. Mostly, it's going to be my insights on love, marriage, and relationships in general. I'll be as honest as possible and share my experiences and hopefully help some folks out. I'll have to keep my cussing to a minimum over there, but I made a resolution about a decade ago to slow that down anyway. ;-)

So yeah, I've been having a pretty good Winter. No time to dwell on hurt and ghosts from the past, when my present is so full of blessings! 

Happy dance time....

Insomniac Thoughts

See that face? That's how I feel...but cuter. 

It's currently 4:42 in the am and I've been up since 12. This may not be a big deal for some, but this is pretty major for me.  You see, I NEED the 8 hours of good sleep that has been constitutionally (see the 34th Amendment where REM is discussed) allotted to me. NEED.

If I don't get my full 8 hours I'm not nice.  Ask anybody that knows me.  Lack of sleep brings the bitch out of me in the most major way.  I won't even pretend that I like you if I'm sleepy.  I'll chop you down and keep walking without a single fuck being given.

I NEED my 8 hours.  In case you didn't catch it before.

I'm usually in bed by 8:30.  Except on Sundays, Wednesdays and Thursdays.  On these days I stay up past my curfew so that I can enjoy Once Upon a Time, Criminal Minds, and Scandal.  I make sure to take a nap on those days though, so my body will still be rested.  I know you are judging me right now because I keep elementary student hours and engage in Kindergarten practices, but check this out: I don't care.  You can call me what you want, but make sure you call me refreshed.

This is why I'm so vexed about not being able to sleep:  it's making my face look like I'm one of you normal people.  We can't have that.  I take pride in being wrinkle, crack, facial hair, and bag free.  This sleep thing is trying to end me and I have no idea what to do about it.

I mentioned earlier that lack of sleep makes me mean.  Well, it also makes my mind wander to the strangest places.  For instance, about 15 minutes ago, I looked at my Twitter profile picture and legit said the following words (out loud mind you): "I got a neck like Kimora Lee Simmons!" Really? Only a sleep-deprived deviant would say such things about themselves.  But I couldn't stop myself.  And now, I'm sitting here wondering why it took me 34 years to notice these neck rolls I have and contemplating ways to destroy them.  Chin ups? Neck flexes? Neck-o-suction?

I'm pretty sure you're curious about the other weird shit I think about on nights like this? OK, I'll tell you:

• My babies with Willie Geist would be AMAZING. UH-MAZE-ING!
• I wonder if Usher knows he's a gnome?
• Ellen would so be my BFF if she just got to know me!
• Why didn't God grant me my second growth spurt? 
• The next person to touch my hair is going to get choke slammed.
• Hold up...I think that's premeditated assault or something...never mind...

And that's just the past 15 minutes or so.  Imagine having to deal with that for extra hours of awake time! I'm driving myself bonkers!

I'm not sure what's causing this insomnia, but I wish it would go the hell away.  I can't be my usual perky, chipper, up with the people self because of this.  I'm getting complaints from management and employees (read my husband and my son) about my behavior being more odd than normal.

I have to figure something out to fix this.  No drugs though.  My last experience with Ambien was like a Jimi Hendrix trip to Woodstock.  No bueno.  Also, I've heard about people doing foolish shit like sleep eating  and sleep driving on that stuff.  I'm trying not to be a fat girl with inexplicable parking tickets! 

Ugh.

I'm Not "Right"...But It's OK

Last week my book club discussed a book called "The Secret That She Kept".  The main character of the book was a successful Black lawyer who suffered from bipolar disorder.  I enjoyed this book, not only because it was well written, but because the topic hit pretty close to home for me.

After our discussion I decided to write about my struggles with anxiety and depression. Then I got scared and changed my mind.  This is not a subject that I'm completely comfortable talking about with others.  I was always taught to keep "family business in the family" and to "keep some secrets for ya'self" so I figured my fear was the atmosphere's way of telling me to shut the hell up.  But, talking about this has been on my heart and mind for a while now, so I've decided to put my fear aside and have a conversation with you all (although one-sided). If you don't mind.

Several years ago, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder.  Hindsight being 20/20, I now know that I've dealt with both (especially anxiety) for most of my life.  However, the way that my illnesses manifest led me to believe that it was just my personality.  I just thought it was how I was.

Getting a diagnosis didn't change anything though.  I didn't receive any treatment.  I acted like it never happened.  To me, accepting my diagnosis meant that I would be green lighting folks to call me crazy.  And while people have been calling me crazy for years, I didn't want that to be due to a legitimate mental illness.  I knew I wasn't "quite right", but again, I thought it was just my personality.  I was in denial about it for a very long time.  And because I didn't feel bad all the time, denying what was really going on was easy.  Denial kept me in a bad place for a very long time.

About four years ago, I decided that I had to get over myself and seek help.  I experienced an onslaught of life changing events that had me feeling like I was drowning in quicksand.  That's the only way I can describe my depression, quicksand.  When it gets bad, the more I move, the more I feel like I'm going under.    Anyway, all of these things made me feel like I was spinning out of control.  Because I am an anal retentive control freak who feels the need to be able to control EVERYTHING, being out of control made me feel like I was dying.  Not having control made me extremely sad and anxious, so my illnesses escalated.  I tried to work through these feelings on my own for a while.  I FINALLY realized that overcoming them would not be something I could do on my own. I needed help. So I sought out a therapist and talked about my issues with my family physician.

Doing that was the single best decision that I have ever made.  It literally saved my life.

So, I said all of that to say that I'm writing this post for the people who are out there who are feeling the heavy darkness of depression or the chest crushing pressure of anxiety. I understand. 

I have a mental illness.  My brain doesn't fire the same way that "normal" brains do.  I will never be 100%, at least not when I'm not on meds.  I'm not ashamed to share that I have to talk to someone to help me clear my head or that I have to take a pill (or two) to make sure my brain fires the way that it should. 

OK, full disclosure, I'm not ashamed anymore.  Remember I told you that I'm anal.  I like for things to go as planned.  Deviation from the plan causes problems for me.  Being diagnosed with a mental illness is a HUGE deviation.  I worked hard to be perceived as the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect student, the perfect girlfriend.  Depression and anxiety prevented me from completing my checklists for life.  I couldn't control my own feelings.  Because of that I was ashamed.  Shame led to denial.  For years I denied my illness and kept the fact that I even had a diagnosis to myself.  I didn't tell anyone.  More than anything, I didn't want people to look at me differently.  I didn't want to be judged, coddled, avoided, or called crazy (people still call me crazy, but for different reasons that I'm completely comfy with).  Shame is also part of the reason why it took me so long to seek treatment.  

I'm pretty sure some of you are wondering why I'm even saying anything now.  I know for sure that someone is thinking that I'm sharing too much.  I'm honestly not completely sure.  I just wanted to talk about it.  I felt like if I was going to live my life honestly, I had to be honest with myself and with others about the things that I struggle with on a daily basis.  Depression and anxiety happen to be a couple of those things.

Years of prayer and therapy have gotten me to a place where I can freely talk about my issues without fear of what other people think about me.  I know now that I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.  I'm not alone.  Knowing that I don't have to deal with this on my own brings me comfort.  So I guess I'm trying to bring comfort to someone out there that is feeling like they are all alone with their struggle. 

You are NOT alone.  Don't let the dark, murky feelings, scary feeling that you may be feeling overwhelm you.  Don't make any rash decisions because you are feeling low.  Don't let your fears keep you from doing things that will likely bring you joy. Don't let these things make you feel like you have no hope.  Some solutions are permanent, those are not the right decisions to make. 

Remember that. 

Understand that mental illness has no specific demographic.  All mentally ill people are not poor or homeless and walking the streets talking to themselves.  Mental illness can be an urban raised, suburban living, college educated, black sorority girl with high blood pressure and a fetish for vintage handbags.

It can affect anyone.

And anyone can recover.  Although it's a life changer, it doesn't have to change your life for the worst.  Seek help.  Find a therapist or clergyman that can help you.  Talk to you physician and see if medications could help.  Exercise, journal, blog...do something that will help you relax and bring you some joy.

A diagnosis of a mental illness is not a great thing.  I'll be honest about that.  If I had my choice, I definitely wouldn't choose to deal with the struggles of depression and anxiety.  But, that's not the path that God has laid out for my life.  I've come to the realization that it's not something that can be ignored.  It won't go away on it's own.  I'm in this fight for what might be forever.  And I've decided as long as I fight this battle in a healthy way I will be okay.  I hope that someone reading this comes to that realization too.

Enough IS Enough

Amen.

I saw this posted on PostSecret this morning. It really struck a chord with me. The idea of knowing that I am "enough" is a constant struggle for me. After seeing this secret, I immediately knew that I should write about it, but I couldn't really find the words.

It has taken me almost 14 hours to come up with the following paragraphs...

Like many females, I have struggled with maintaining my self-esteem. I have been in situations that led me to compare myself to other people. I questioned why my skin wasn't the right color. Why my hair isn't straight enough. Why my legs aren't long enough. I wondered what made other women more desirable or likable than me. I have looked to men to validate me. I have looked for permission from others to accept myself (or who I thought I was) .

Over the years, I have accepted and allowed a lot of things for no other reason than because I thought I deserved it. I thought that because I didn't measure up, what I was getting was the perfect portion for me. Only recently have I realized that I haven't been getting my fair share. That I deserve so much MORE. But I've also realized that I will never get more until I accept the fact that I that there is room inside me for what's in store.

So every day, beginning as soon as I open my eyes, I start saying positive affirmations like the one on PostSecret. Slowly, but surely, I am beginning to believe the words that I say. I'm not completely there yet. And honestly, I don't know if I will ever be 100%, but my goal is to get as close to that as I can.

I have the power. I have to believe that. I may never be the tallest, skinniest, or even the prettiest girl in the room. But I will always be the best me that I can be.

And that is more than enough.

Indifference

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference... - Elie Wiesel

IDC

Indifference. It's certainly an odd emotion. In layman's terms indifference is pretty much the point when you just don't give a shit. Just about anything that is remotely associated with whatever it is that you previously cared about you give approximately 0 damns about now.

What's odd is that it usually surprises you. You don't know that you don't care until you realize that instead of blowing your top, you're shrugging your shoulders, taking a sip of tea, and giving a big ole blank stare.

I know you've experienced it.

The point where instead of losing your mind when you find out your boo is doing things they shouldn't, you just shake you head and bid them adieu. No tears because you are hurt, just tears because you can't believe you wasted so much time dealing with a person like that.

That project at work that was sooooo important that you were losing sleep. But people keep undermining your ideas and management keeps making asinine decisions so it's affecting your productivity. Instead of flipping tables in meetings, you just let them have their way and don't even smirk at their failures.

Most people would say that this is not a good emotion. They would say that a person that just doesn't care or doesn't feel any emotion about things isn't really taking advantage of the human experience. I disagree. I think that indifference is an essential emotion. It is as important as happiness, sadness, and anger. Some things are not worth wasting heartfelt emotions like hate (although, I don't believe in hate...just extreme dislike) on. Some people aren't worth dedicating important moments of your life to.

I choose to assign happiness to things that really and truly matter. I choose to assign anger and sadness to those things too. Indifference is the black hole where all the unimportant crap dwells. They are assigned side-eyes, blank stares, and head shakes. Because honestly, most of those things are really even important enough for words.

Honestly, indifference is my goal for a lot of things. This doesn't mean that I want to live my life without feeling happiness, sadness, or anger. I'm not apathetic. What it means, to me at least, is that I don't want to dwell on tomfoolery and shenanigans that other people can bring into my life. I've found that most of the things that make me sad or angry are because of other people's decisions.

Indifference is about taking the control that those people have over you away. It's not apathy by any means. An apathetic person doesn't care about anything. A person who is indifferent about some things cares enough about themselves to not care about things that don't matter.

Take back the control that you've given others. Defy them by not caring about what they do or say. Don't let them ruin your day or take up any extra moments in your life.

And remember, nothing makes a hater feel more stupid than hitting them with one of these:

What About Your Friends?

Although people having piss poor judgement of character has been around for eons, I'd like to blame Facebook for the problems that most of us face with this issue today. I think people really begin to think that the people on their friend's lists are really and truly their friends.

This troubles me. I currently have 346 people on my friends list. While I know all of them, only 5 or 6 (maybe 7) are people who I call friend. I know that most people on Facebook are voyeurs. They really just want to see what you are talking about so that they can go back and talk about it with others. Now, this isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes you want to get the people going.

What bothers me is that these days people use the word "friend" too loosely.

A friend is NOT a person that uses your words against you. A friend is NOT someone who uses information that you unwittingly provided to aid in evil deeds or participate in the ruining of the lives of others. A friend doesn't "like" you and then talk about you behind your back. No ma'am. My friends at least have the decency to clown me to my face. This is why I love them.

While there are many things that I look for in a friend, in my opinion, the most important trait that a friend should have is that they know who they are. Just think about it. We all know of a person that hasn't quite found themselves yet. We see how they jump from social circle to social circle playing a role for each group. But we never can really tell which role that they play is the real them.

And this is about more than just a person networking. I totally understand that you have to wear certain masks when doing that. You don't want any potential employers or investors knowing that you are really a assclown or that you have a drinking and/or meth problem. Leave that for the people who love you and a special episode of Intervention.

A person who doesn't really know who they are is dangerous.  People like this are prone to jealousy.  And there's one thing that I know, a person should never feel that emotion towards a real friend. Why? Because whatever that person is doing should be reason for you to cheer or for you to get your shit together. But being envious of them should never enter your mind. A jealous friend does things like keep tabs on what you do at the club and then report back to your boo. A jealous friend promises to give you a ride to that interview for your dream job, but shows up too late for you to make it.  A jealous friend watches every move you make and tells all of their other friends. There are never any secrets with a jealous friend.

Cuh-ray-zee!

People who haven't found themselves emulate you for all of the wrong reasons. Does anyone around here remember Single White Female? Nobody wants a person around that wants to be them! Well, at least I don't. One of me is more than enough. If I ever wake up and somebody is hovering over me watching me breathe or if I see one of my friends dressing like me, using my mannerisms, or something else that is totally weird and stalkerish we are going to have a long conversation. And by conversation I mean some elbow drops will probably occur. The conversation is going to end with a permanent sayonara. I don't have time to be filing EPOs and perfecting my Krav Maga skills just because you are a loon.

Anyway, I'm just saying all of this so that you can start paying attention to the people that you have around you. Everyone that says that they are your friend isn't. And you shouldn't be so quick to allow people into your life because they are friendly. I'm a firm believer in giving folks a grace period to figure out whether or not you want to be around them on a long term basis or not. Ask any of my friends, it probably took me 2-3 weeks before I said one word that had any real meaning to them. Why? Because I don't trust people (we've been over this before) and I was watching how they move.

Is my system foolproof? Nope. There have been a few that got past me. But trust and believe when I found them out, the situation was rectified.

What I don't have time for these days is pettiness, gossiping, or hating. My world is only open to grown folks who's schedules are too full for foolishness. Love, honesty, and support are what me and my friends are about. We don't tear folks down, we don't live to watch folks go down in flames, and we don't sell pipe dreams. All real life, all the time.

My group of friends is a reflection of who I am. My mother always said, "You are the company you keep." It took me many years to figure how true that is. But the circle I have around me now includes everyone that is supposed to be there. It's kind of amazing.

What about your friends? Does your crew show the world the kind of person that you are? Or do they bring you down?

It's My Antiversary...I Think...

I just realized something.  A date that has been very significant to me in the past few years just passed, and I didn't realize it until about 15 minutes ago.

Forgetting a day on a calendar may not be a big deal to some, but this is a significant sign of healing and change for me.  For years, I have dreaded seeing this date on the calendar.  I would seriously cry and go into a deep depression on this day every single year.  I can't begin to describe the amount of pain that this date has caused.  But it's safe to say that on this day my life changed so drastically that I just knew in my heart that I would always remember it.

But this year I didn't.  This year there were no tears.  There was no fear.  There was no feeling of dread or impending doom.

There was...nothing.

YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!! Copious amounts of Dougie's are being hit right now.

You cannot imagine how light and fluffy I feel right now!! It is such an amazing feeling to know that an old wound has healed.

Anyway, I just thought I'd share this because I want you all to know that you can get past the worst thing that's ever happened to you.  It may take a while, but if you are patient and resilient and commit to your recovery, one of these days you might not even remember why you are being so committed.

I went from wanting to crawl inside myself and hibernate from for the entire Fall and Winter seasons to enjoying the changes in the colors on the leaves and remembering why holidays like Thanksgiving should make me smile.

I've committed myself to my happiness.  I'm no longer holding on to the things that hurt me or the things that remind me of troublesome times.  I have so much more life to live, there's really no reason for me to be wasting the time that's been given to me by dwelling on things that I can't even control.

Trouble don't last always.

Picture me rollin'.